The Lie and How We Told It
by IHaveIt
Summary: Their paths are getting further apart, will they ever find a way to each other? One thing is for sure: if they are to get together again, there is major sorting out to do. Rory Gilmore has decided to find the right track. Future literati fic. Rated M. It follows the events after AYITL, so spoilers. COMPLETE.
1. Deadlines

**Deadlines**

It was easy, in the beginning. Well, not necessarily easy, but words flowed and feelings were effortlessly explored because they told a simple love story, one that was never negated – she loved her mom, she loved the life she had provided for her in her childhood, and she respected what she had done to provide it. Yes, the book was easy to write during those three first chapters. Heck, even the next one was relatively straightforward at first – after all, she had asked him if he was OK being in the book (and how could he not be, after what she told him he had represented?). But as she wrote on she realized that, even though she had considered Dean to be an easy chapter, one that was neatly packed in a box in her mother's attic, not even his story, in the end, was going to be comfortable to tell. It overlapped too much with everything else. It overlapped too much with _everyone_ else. His chapter ended where all the doubts started, doubts that had had her tied up in knots for many years, and now the knots had become this ball of yarn that was slowly growing inside her and how the hell was she going to unravel it? The work had been put off for too long and the consequences were unavoidable.

Inside her book folder a pro/con file loomed, abandoned. No, she wouldn't be able to sort it all nicely in a excel file while sipping a cup of coffee. She couldn't even have coffee anymore. Neither neat Scotch. Damn.

Oh, it was typical. It was typical Rory Gilmore. She was finally committed to the book, to a project that was pure and authentic and made her happy (that gave her for maybe the first time ever a sense of completeness, a deep pride, a true purpose) and here she was again, all fucked up. All knocked up. And words were not flowing anymore. So _that_ was writer's block.

Alone in the apartment above Luke's, Rory started crying. The more she thought of her financial situation and of the choices she would soon need to face, the more she cried. Angry with herself for whining, she kicked the wall, and it hurt like hell. Well, she had it coming. She had it all coming. But crying was not going to sort things out for her, and she refused to be the victim – damn, if she was anything at all, she was the perpetrator.

It was time already. It was time to get her shit together and start owning her mistakes. It was the only chance she had of figuring out what to do with the baby and with the book, with her life. She owed it to herself.

* * *

"Rory Gilmore? This way, please."

She followed the nurse to a clean, if aseptic, office room. A middle aged woman wearing thick paste glasses sat across the desk. Rory had decided not to consult Paris on this, she would have been much too vocal about her opinion – whatever it might have been – and if she was to do this right, she would have to acknowledge that she was most of the times a bit too slow making decisions and a bit too fast agreeing to opinions that were not entirely her own.

"Miss Gilmore, go ahead. Why are you here today?"

Rory fumbled with her shirt at the prompt. "Well, I'm one month pregnant, and I wanted to get all the info in case I decided to terminate the pregnancy."

"OK, what info do you need?"

Rory sighed. "Deadlines, mainly."

* * *

"Hun, come stay the night. We'll have a Buffy marathon, it'll give you a nice heroine fix. See? I managed to introduce drugs in your life, and in your state! Ain't I the best?"

Rory smiled. They hadn't really talked much about It-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named since her mom's wedding and after Rory had acknowledged that it was Logan's. Her mom had been quietly supportive and not pushy, very un-Lorelai-like, and had simply reassured her, telling her that she would stand by her whatever she decided to do with the baby. "Thanks, mom, but I need to be alone a bit longer. I still need to figure things out."

"So… you haven't decided yet?"

Her mom's words, while uttered in a calm tone, hid a hint of dread that lingered in the air, but Rory resisted thinking about her mom's fears – or her own. "No. There are many things I haven't decided… yet. But I will. I have to. I have a deadline now. That's the only thing I've decided."

"Mmm… OK. Promise me something, then. Promise me that you'll call anytime you need to bounce ideas off. I'll be your wall, throw those balls at me, no matter what you wonder. Oh my God! That's what it really means, so that's a _wonderwall_! Will you eventually let me be the pop version of your Western Wall?"

"Always."

Rory hung up the phone and went back to her laptop. She had seven weeks before having to make a decision. Whatever the outcome, she was going to need sustenance. Financial and spiritual. The next day, she would take care of the money issue. But the night belonged to her dreams, to her book. She had decided to jump forward in time and get started with the Logan era. There was major unraveling to be done.


	2. Moving Forward

**Moving Forward**

"I've been thinking about coming over and staying in the apartment for a while, if that's OK. I've been stuck with my novel for too long and I thought a change of air would do me good. Do you mind?"

"Well…"

Jess knew there was something going on, he noticed at the wedding. Rory and Lorelai had seemed distracted and slow at quipping back. And then Luke had got all jumpy when he visited Doula last week and had pushed for their good-bye dinner taking place out of town instead of the diner. "Luke, what's going on? You can tell me, I'm a big boy now. I promise I won't be starting a fight with whoever Rory is dating now. I don't mind."

"No, it's not that. It's just that she is living in the apartment now."

"Oh. I thought she was moving to Queens" Jess stopped there. He wanted to make it at least a bit hard on Luke. He wasn't going to hand him the easy way out.

"Yeah, well… It's the book. Yeah, she's taking the book really seriously. Yeah, that's it. And she's back to helping Andrew in the bookstore and giving a hand at the diner once in a while so she can save some money and have time to focus on the book entirely. So, yeah. The book."

"OK… Are you sure you have no corpses in the apartment? You sound very secretive, uncle Luke" Jess used his tried-and-tested banter tone in an attempt to dismiss the whole thing as unimportant, but he admitted to himself that it was all sounding a bit off.

"Give me a second, I'm going upstairs. Too much audience here."

Yep. Really, really off.

"Listen, I'll tell you this just once, and let me finish before saying anything, because I won't repeat it. Whatever it is you've been trying to sell me about not having feelings for Rory, I'm not buying. I created that whole line of business, let me remind you."

"But…"

"No buts, I'm not finished" Jess heard his uncle exhale deeply on the other side. "Jeez, I know this is going to haunt me forever, but I have to say it. OK. Jess: I truly believe you are the best man Rory could hope to have in her life. I'm proud of the person you have become. I might not always have thought like that, but I stand corrected. I know you will make a special woman very happy one day. But as much as it pains me, that woman won't be Rory. I have to ask you to stop harboring hope on that regard now, because it's not going to happen. And even if it did, I don't think she'd deserve you, but it's not going to happen anyway, so, please, can you promise me to try and move forward, starting now? I really want to see someone love you as I know you would love them back."

Words got stuck in Jess' throat, and at the first attempt of a reply his voice came out a bit too high. "Don't worry, Luke. I know that ship sailed long ago."

"Good, because it's not coming back. I know you will pass on my offering, but if you ever need to talk, I'm here always, and always on your side."

"You don't need to worry, but thanks for your words. They mean… a lot. Dinner in New York next time?"

"Sure, Jess. That will be great."

He heard his uncle's phone disconnect on the other side and it sounded like dreams shuttering. He had done it. He had done it again, exactly like the last time. He felt like the saddest superhero of all time, his superpowers being kicking back people on the right track only to be ignored in return. How had he allowed that to happen again? Somehow he knew that there must have been a very decisive decision on Rory's love life for his uncle to be so categorical about it, something Luke didn't approve of – something blonde and dick-ey, to be sure.

He poured himself a glass of Scotch and rummaged in his drawer, looking for an old pack of cigarettes. He lit one, opened the window to the street and sat down in the window sill while the sounds of the city washed over him. No, he was not destroyed. He couldn't be, because he hadn't lost anything. He had never had it. He had had a dream, though, a fantasy – a really tenacious one that refused to be surpassed by real life facts time and again. But the problem was not that he had given up life in exchange of a fleeting dream. It was not that – he was no hopeless romantic, and certainly not dumb. It was just that nothing better had come up. Perhaps it was wired in his writer genes, if there was such a thing, but he was good at swallowing hard truths, and the truth was that he had known an elevated kind of love once, and it just hadn't happened to him again. He had never felt the need to brush those feelings aside by replacing them with new live images or with a shinier fancy. And anyway, he didn't think he could use someone up like that, like a mere replacement. Why had she stuck with him for so long? He had considered this many times. She wasn't the smartest, or the prettiest, or the most talented. Was it because it was unfinished business? He considered, without a hint of self-pity or fear, if he was truly lame. But, much as he tried, and even if the facts were there (she had objectively no traits that would justify such adoration; she was, after all, just as imperfect as himself), he still believed his heart had always been in the right place. It was not right for them to be apart, it was as simple as that. He knew, he had always known, that a world without Rory and him together was a slightly worse world. But that was just his humble opinion – she didn't know. She didn't believe that. And she had a right not to and that didn't make her any lesser human being. It was just the way it was.

Jess refilled his glass and raised it. "May you live a long, happy life filled with love, Rory Gilmore. I wish it from the bottom of my heart."

And just like that, he let her go. This time for good.


	3. Down and Out the Rabbit Hole

**Down and Out the Rabbit Hole**

One thing she knew: she didn't want to start a family with Logan. This she knew because she hadn't fought for it when there was no baby factor, so any fantasies of a happy family she might entertain from time to time had to come from another place – fear. Yes, it was probably that. She hadn't asked Logan to give up Odette to be with her when she had had the chance. Damn, she even had turned down his marriage proposal back in the day. Still, there was something there, otherwise her final decision would come easier. Did she love him? Yes, she did. But was it a sort of half-way-there type of love that was not so happily advertised in St. Valentine's day, one that made you stick long enough to keep on having sex with a person, to cheat on people, but not strong enough to make you want to marry? Sure, that had to exist, life was not a Disney film. Still, she was 32. She was considering having the baby. She loved Logan. Weren't those things enough to start a family with someone? It turned out they weren't.

Once the decision was made, she felt better. The decision, though, came with its own set of doubts. That was alright, she was in that journey now. She let herself go down the rabbit hole.

Well, for one, if that type of love was not enough, which was? Was there such a type of love? Had she known such type of love? She brushed through her past but quickly decided against following that train of thought. After all, she had more important things to decide.

The main point was: if she was to have the baby, would she tell Logan? At first, when she found out, she thought she wouldn't. Especially after talking to her dad. Still, her dad had had the chance to decide whether or not to be in her life, so the problem wasn't the same. She considered telling Logan. How would she want him to be involved? She dreaded Logan convincing her to start a family together. She somehow feared her own strength in the matter. It distressed her that a grand gesture from his side would make the balance tip ever so slightly and make her change her mind. She was starting to fear that she was _tippable_ like that, and she suddenly despised herself for it. She imagined a Life and Death Brigade kind of gesture, with storks carrying baby shower gifts to a newly bought family mansion, hers and Logan's. Rory shuddered. Had that been their relationship, a series of flashy events that had hypnotized her like colorful cartoons catch kids' attention on TV? Had they had the epileptic Pokémon version of relationships? Had she been _pokemoned_ by ostentation? She suddenly felt queasy and had barely the time to make it to the toilet and start puking. Boy, was being pregnant fun. She not only threw up regularly but was constantly constipated, as if her body had gone completely dumb and switched the usual direction of her passageways for fun.

OK, it could very well have been the pregnancy symptoms kicking in, but she was almost sure that her bodily reaction to a big Logan gesture meant that she didn't want to start a family with him. Which she had already stablished. But had again reconfirmed. Oh well, it was not so bad to double-check. It was important, after all. Wow, unraveling was tiresome. So, back to square one – if she were to tell Logan, and make very clear that she did not want to start a family with him, how would she want him to be involved? And the million dollar question: did she want his money? Somehow, her current situation seemed relevant to the thought process.

She was working at Andrew's bookstore.

She was occasionally helping Luke at the diner in exchange of rooming in the apartment (he had offered money, but she had refused).

She was running Stars Hollow's Gazette for free.

She was back in Stars Hollow.

She had no journalism gigs at the moment.

So, she was broke and lame. And yet she was… fine with it?

Yeah. She sort of was fine with it. Why?

That was weird. She had a very low paid job, an unpaid job and yet another unpaid venture, two of them in fields not even remotely related to her career. She was back in her hometown and avoiding the Thirty-Something Gang as if she was somehow better, which she wasn't. She realized she was self-entitled and mean to be thinking of them like she did. And yet the shame about her situation was not kicking in. Why? She couldn't resist it and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's Rory. Listen, I have a very dumb question and I don't think there's anyone else who can answer it. Or that I will trust with the answer."

"Huh? OK. Shoot, Gilmore."

She suddenly felt self-conscious. Why was she ringing Jess? "Well, you see, I'm back to living in Stars Hollow, and working with Andrew temporarily. I'm broke. The Gazette only brings me joy when I get to kick Esther's ass. And somehow, I cannot find the trigger in me to be ashamed for the situation, and I think I know why, and wanted to check if the same had happened to you in the past. I think it's because of the book. Like I have a purpose now, and it's OK that conditions aren't perfect as long as they allow the book to happen, as long as I do everything right this time. Did that happen to you? At the beginning?"

The answer was slow in coming and Rory feared she had stepped out of line calling him. Why, though? They were friendly, and it had been Jess who had…

"Yeah, I felt that. The book sort of put everything in perspective at the time. As you said… conditions were not perfect. But it was suddenly OK, if I at least managed to get that right."

"How did you do it? I mean, you were so young… How did you find that moral compass so quickly? How were you so totally cool, not truly caring about social or family expectations? How did you manage to build up those standards for yourself, alone… and without "perfect conditions", to put it lightly? I… I really admire you."

He laughed on the other side, and she felt herself blush. Where had that speech come from?

"Ror, I think you give me more credit than I deserve. If you think yourself silly for not figuring those things out earlier, don't be so hard on you. You had perfect conditions, and I think it's a bit more difficult to figure that kind of thing out without a major kick in the ass. As long as you do in the end, I guess it doesn't matter how long it takes you."

Perhaps it did. She was suddenly worried. "I hope you're right. I hope it's not too late."

"You'll be fine. And I'm glad you didn't need a major kick in the ass."

She suddenly felt queasy again.

"I need to go, Ror. Hope that was helpful."

"It really was. Take care, Dodger."

She swore she heard him hesitate for the briefest of moments, but he hung up without a further goodbye. Was it the "Dodger" that had thrown him off? She felt suddenly bad, but couldn't pinpoint why. The urge to puke came back, and that particular line of thought was abandoned temporarily.


	4. A New Beginning

**A New Beginning**

"Well if it isn't our own Jess Mariano, all pimped up and chirpy!"

Jess threw Chris a stare, but without much conviction. He was, after all, quite chirpy. "Hey! If I'm going to put up with you for a month here, you might as well keep your thoughts to yourself."

"And tell me – what fun would _that_ be?"

Jess smiled. He was quite happy to have Chris in their New York office for a while. It felt like home. "OK, let's strike a deal here. Tease me as much as you want, but not in front of her. I want to at least keep a bit of my hard earned respectability. You wouldn't want to undo all my hard work, would you?"

Chris nodded, conceding. "Done deal. But I swear I will tease you like hell when she's not around."

The doorbell buzzed and Jess threw Chris a much more convincing stare. "Well, that's the midnight bell, Mockarella. Go back to your pumpkin."

Chris jumped like a kid approaching Christmas presents, but stood still as soon as Jess opened the door and kissed his girlfriend.

"Martina, this is Chris, one of my partners."

Jess waited to see Chris' reaction when he extended his hand but was greeted by a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek instead. He loved the way Martina introduced herself to people in her Argentinian way. He imagined what would Luke's face look like if she did.

"It's so nice to meet you, Chris! Jess has told me everything about you."

Chris, dumbfounded by the kiss, was slow in replying. "Well, yeah! You too. I hope what you hear is good."

Martina threw Jess a mock shy look. "I cannot tell him everything, right?"

"Hey! What did you tell her, Mariano?"

Jess laughed and Martina grabbed both by the arm. "Just that you are like a brother to him. Come on! Let's go grab a beer."

* * *

"Let me tell you, Mariano: you have good taste."

Jess smiled and looked at the end of the bar, where Martina was greeting some colleagues from her dance company. "Yeah, she's great. I really like her."

"I can see you do. Man, you're so smitten that I feel generous and won't mock you for a couple days."

"Make it a week, Chris, and I will even introduce you to her friends."

"Careful, Mariano, or I will move in."

* * *

Jess looked at Chris, who was chatting with one of Martina's friends, and decided that he was distracted enough. He guided Martina to a dark, hidden booth. She sat beside him and put her hand around his neck, drawing him for a kiss, but he was feeling bold and threw a hand between her legs before catching her moan with his lips.

"Jess, stop. It feels too good."

Jess moved his hand just a bare inch away, enough to grab her thigh hard, his clasped fingers barely brushing her groin. "I can't see why that would be a problem."

"Someone can see us. Your friend's there."

But there was no conviction in her words, so he slowly traced his hand back to her core, stroking it softly. He felt her hand move hesitantly up his leg and just hover lightly around his crotch, a bare caress to gauge his erection.

"I want you now, Jess."

Jess kissed her hard and then got up, not giving a damn about the visible bulge in his pants. He beckoned Martina up, delicately holding her hand and guiding her to the toilet. He locked the door and pushed Martina against the wall. His hands traced her body while he got on his knees and pushed down her tights enough so as to suck her center with abandon, holding to her hips with a strong grip. He felt her grab his hair and heard her moan; in response he put a finger inside her, and she was so wet and it felt so right to be wanted so badly and want as much in return that he threw foreplay out the window. He got up, took a condom out of his wallet and rolled it up quickly. He looked Martina in the eye and recognized what he saw there— fire, lust, trepidation. She gave him a wicked smile and he grinned back. He turned her against the wall and entered her with a slow thrust from behind, but it quickly escalated from there and soon enough they were both panting and moaning to a hectic rhythm. Right before coming Jess thought that life was probably supposed to be like that – easy, straightforward– and that it would be nice for a change to not have to hold back. And he didn't. He thrusted hard and Martina came with him, and he knew he didn't have to worry anymore, as he had found someone who wouldn't want him to hold back either.

* * *

"Chris, are you staying?"

His friend smiled. "Yeah, well. I think that Lucy chick likes me."

"Well, we're heading off. You have your keys, right?"

"Yep. But with a bit of luck I won't need them."

"And even if you do, that's fine. I'll stay with Martina tonight."

And with a wink Jess left Chris at the bar and joined Martina out in the crisp New York night. They strolled for a while, relaxed.

"So, are you working tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I definitely need to stop by the office in the morning because I have a meeting with an author. But I'm free until the morning, and I was really hoping to spend those hours with you. And some of those within you."

He saw Marina blush and held her tight.

"Alright. It's just there's this performance I would like to check out tomorrow evening and was wondering if you would like to come with me. I know how you like to mock that sort of thing."

"Tomorrow I can't, I'm having dinner with my uncle." Jess saw a shadow of disappointment in her face and doubted for a moment. "You know what? Why don't you join us after the performance? My uncle loves to hate performances, I guess it runs in the family. You can tell us all about it and we will mock it together. I'd like you to meet him. He's a great guy."

Jess saw the disappointment vanish from her face and was surprised to recognize that he actually did – he really wanted her to meet Luke.

"Alright, then. Now, humor me until we get home – how exactly do you plan to get within me tonight?"

He told her, and took pleasure in the fact that, for the first time in ages, he would be able to act his fantasies out.


	5. Wonderwall

**Wonderwall**

Rory took advantage of the fact that Luke was out and got ready for the night. She stocked up on marshmallows, Pringles, Pop Tarts, red vines and Cherry Garcia. She got to her mom's house before she arrived from work and made a new batch of that soulless concoction that was decaf coffee. Lorelai arrived to find her daughter, mug in hand, sitting in the kitchen table.

"It's time, mom. Give me your best wonderwall impression."

Lorelai nodded and poured herself a coffee that she spat right after the first sip. "Ugh! I feel dirty!"

"Yep. It's godawful. It reminds me of my shitty situation every time I have one. It's like my penance. The cross I'll carry."

Lorelai sat in front of her daughter. "And… will you carry that cross… long? Like… nine months long?"

Rory exhaled. "Yes. You're going to be a granny."

Lorelai started crying.

"Mom? Are you OK? Is that your best wonderwall impression? Because it looks pretty straw-house-piggie to me – it collapsed before the first blow!"

Lorelai laughed between the sobs and hugged her daughter. "Oh, I'm just happy, kiddo. Are you happy?"

"Well, happy is a strong word. I'm sure, though. And well, I'm happy that you are not mad at me." Rory smiled, relieved.

"Mad?"

"Yeah, I mean… i've made some really shitty decisions lately… in the past years, actually, and I really feared your opinion."

"Well, to be honest, at first I was shocked. But very soon after that lovely lady that's the voice in my head started telling me not to become my mom when I was sixteen and I just followed her advice. She's a very wise lady. And beautiful."

"Say thanks to her, then."

"OK, let me get my act together. So I imagine you have decided more things and want to bounce ideas off, right?"

"Jeez, mom, you're losing it in your old age. You were the one that came up with the whole wonderwall thing."

"Oh, I've become such a softie since I'm a granny-to-be! I'm going to be a granny! I'm going to be a total GILF, I'll show you!"

"Mom!"

"Yeah, wait until I show Luke my GILF tactics."

"OK, can we move on here? I'm not getting any thinner."

"Alright, alright. Moving over. So, Logan."

"Yep."

"Logan's the father."

"I thought we had established that already".

"I'm just recapping here, I've been busy with my wonderwall business and I didn't want to mix up your facts with other customers'."

"Well, you have the facts now. So. What do you think?"

"Is it not supposed to work the other way around? You tell me what you have decided and I give you my opinion?"

"In theory, yes. See, I've made my decision already, and I think I'm pretty sure about it, but I want an unbiased opinion, so if I tell you first, you will, I know, be tainted with whatever I say, and then I won't get an honest opinion. Not that it's going to change my mind, but I still want it. Since I'm doing this right and all."

"Wow, maternity has really given you insight, loinfruit. Hey, you have a loinfruit of your own now. My loinfruit has a loinfruit! Where does that end?" Rory gave her mom an annoyed stare. "Alright, alright. So, I guess the question is… do you… love him?"

"Yes." Rory could swear she saw her mom wince.

"OK, so you are going to… try to do this with him?"

Rory exhaled. "No."

She almost saw the weight being lifted from her mom's shoulders. "Oh, OK. But kid, if you love him, you deserve a shot at happiness. Is it because you don't want to make it difficult for him? Or because you think I would…disapprove?"

"No! Not at all. I mean, this is his fault as much as mine. I do, I love him, it's just… he's not _it_ , you know?"

"Well, some people consider me an expert in the matter. So, how is he not _it_ for you?"

"God, this is hard. I mean, it's been hard to accept this, to accept the implications of what I'm going to say. I hope you won't think less of me when I tell you. I think… I think that's why we've never talked much about it before. In my heart of hearts I knew that you would speak up your mind and say the things I didn't want to hear or think but I knew true. I feel… ashamed. About everything."

"Oh, honey. I'm here for you. I know we've had disagreements in the past about certain things but… I'm done. You're a grown-up. I'll support you with whatever you decide. And believe me – no one in the entire world understands better than me that you need very low levels of drama in your situation. So, speak up. Get it out. Exorcize those demons."

"Alright. I guess… I loved the idea of him. I guessed I liked myself around him, it made me see a Rory that I thought I wanted to be. More successful. More… adventurous. More fun. It didn't necessarily make me feel those things, though. But I guess I went along with it for so long that I started confusing the appearance with the reality, and I really wanted to be that person. For so long, mom, that I feel embarrassed. You never even taught me that, and I don't know where I got it from."

"Shiny things, doll. It's the allure of shiny things, my pretty little magpie. Oh, I want pie."

Lorelai opened a cupboard and got out some of Luke's peach pie.

"You're married to him now, mom. You don't need to keep stealing his pie."

"Yeah? And how would that be fun?"

Lorelai cut a piece of pie for her daughter and one for herself. Rory opened her mouth so as to keep on exorcising, but her mom cut her out. "Wait. In the spirit of full disclosure, I think you do get it from me." Lorelai stood up and started pacing the room nervously. "Oh my god. Oh my god, you so do get it from me. I hadn't thought about it! I honestly had never thought about it, not like this, and now I cannot _unsee_ the truth! Oh, my eyes! My mind eyes!"

"Mom, I'm not following you, what are you talking about? This is just my mess."

"No, wait. Ugh. OK, here it comes: I also have been blinded by shiny things in the past."

"OK. Still not following you, magpie."

"Can't you see the pattern? Chris, Max, Jason, Chris again… None of them were _it._ And I knew! I always knew they weren't _it_ , but I tagged along, I tagged along while _IT_ , big and scary and so-totally- _it_ , was there, waiting for me, being _it_ and wonderful and real while I was a putz! I ignored the single, most precious love story I was ever going to get, and yet, somehow, I got my happy ending in the end, and with the example I set I've made you lazy, as if it were fine to avoid those big truths for as long as you wanted because somehow, magically, everything would turn out right in the end. But that's not how things work! And it's not fair! Thank god you haven't had _IT_ pining for you all this time while being completely oblivious and dismissive of their feelings. Not the clown, let's leave that clear." Lorelai collapsed on the chair, as if spent after accepting that hard truth. Rory sat still, stunned. "Because you don't know your _it_ , right?"

"What?" Where was that train of thoughts taking her?

"I mean, Pete's not _it_ , is he?"

Her mom's question snapped her out of the rabbit hole. "It's Paul. And no, he's not it."

"Thank god. I always thought your _it_ would be able to quip at your level of proficiency. Listen, do you mind if we take two minutes? I need to do something."

Rory stared at her cup, overwhelmed, and Lorelai took her phone and went outside. Rory was still able to make out the conversation from where she stood, frozen.

"Yeah, hi… All's good, yeah, I didn't want to interrupt you. I just wanted to say that I love you. I love you so much and I was such an idiot for such a long time for not realizing… I just wanted you to know that I know how stupid I was and that I'm going to make up for it every day of the rest of our lives. Yes! I'm totally fine. No, I didn't have coffee – in fact, I didn't have coffee at all! Yeah, I had decaf, actually… Oh, you're totally my soulmate. I knew one day you would understand that a Lorelai without coffee was a deranged Lorelai. I'll let you go. And I'll make it up for you later. Many times. Say hi to Jess."

Of course, Luke was with Jess. Rory hoped that the baby news hadn't been broken. She had accepted that her mom would probably have told Luke already, but couldn't find a reason to be angry about it. If that meant that her mom had had a wonderwall of her own, that was fine. She was really relieved for the way she was taking things.

"So, I guess that leaves us with the practicalities."

"What?"

"Are you OK, hon? I mean, it's good that you've figured out that you don't want to be with Logan, right?"

"Yeah, it totally is."

"And shouldn't it give you peace of mind that, if you've been reckless in the past, it was partly due to the bad example set by me?"

"Well..."

"And that all is good because _it,_ the man, not the clown, wasn't waiting for you, so no hard feelings?".

Rory felt a lump in her throat and a real, physical knot in her stomach.

"So… practicalities. Are you going to tell him? About the pregnancy?"

How could she? How could she tell him about the pregnancy? It would ruin everything forever between them, if it wasn't ruined already. If she hadn't ruined it. Which she had. Completely. She had run over his feelings with a bulldozer time and again.

"Hon? Will you tell him?"

"Who?" How did she know? Did she know who she was thinking about?

"Logan! Who else would it be?"

"Right. Logan. Yeah, I'll tell him."

"Do you know when?"

"Yeah, soon. But I want to consult a lawyer first. Will you come with me?"

"Hear hear, that sounds more focused. I really thought I lost you there for a moment."

"Huh. Yeah, I think the pregnancy is making me dumb or something."


	6. A Trojan Horse

**A Trojan Horse**

They went through all the practicalities over a ton of reheated leftover food. Rory would tell Logan as soon as possible. She didn't want him to somehow discover the truth on his own, and that would help Rory stay in control of the situation. She didn't want to raise the next Huntzberger heir; in fact, she didn't want a penny from the Huntzberger money. If Logan wanted to put money aside for the baby that was very well with her, but she wanted to raise the kid in her own terms, and the only way for her to do that was staying economically independent. If the relationship of her mother with her grandparents had taught her something, it was that.

But she still had to consider her career situation. She had her grandad's inheritance, which could do for a while, but she didn't want to spend that money, and she had already been reckless enough with it in the past, traveling back and forth London with the pretense of a book that never happened, as if she could allow herself to behave like a Huntzberger. That was the hardest pill to swallow. She had been pampered. She had never needed to get a huge student loan and repay it with hard, stable work, unlike many of her colleagues, and she could see that debauchery had made her soft.

There was only a viable way out. Freelance journalism was poorly paid, unreliable, and not really that satisfying for her. There was no way she could move on that career path with a baby in tow. And working in the bookstore was no better. Sure enough, it would allow her to have a very quiet, if simple, family life in Stars Hollow. But the money was scant and she was starting to feel trapped in her hometown already. She couldn't commit to a way of life that would end up being so unsatisfying for her in the end.

That left her with the only possible option – Chilton. Yes, she would need to get her masters to get the job, but once she did she would be in a stable, well-paid position, with reasonable work hours that would eventually suit a family life, and she even thought that teaching, although she had dismissed it at first, could be a very rewarding career path. She had seven months before giving birth, and admissions to the Comparative Literature course in Columbia were still open. If she pushed herself hard before giving birth, she could get ahead of the course to make up for the time she would be unavailable. And after the baby was born… well, she would try her best to finish as soon as possible, and if she had to work somewhere else in the meantime to make ends meet, she would have to deal with it. The masters were a sensible place to put part of her grandad's inheritance, and she would be building a stable future. And she loved literature, her longest relationship over the years.

And there was the book, her solace. Somehow, the prospect of the book made all other decisions a bit easier. She had been a complete idiot. Again. How is it that she had never thought about it, and within three minutes of seeing each other, without much info on the state of her life, Jess had so clearly pointed the path (the true path, the one of the heart) to her? How did he do it? It was like some sort of superpower he had, like he was his own ayahuasca dealer, awakening her in key moments. It was even a bit annoying. Not because of him, he was never annoying, but for her. It made her feel completely clueless. And she knew he'd be happy for her, just for making her happy, and now that she was thinking about it, she didn't think she had even thanked him for it properly.

She put a blanket over her mom, who had fallen asleep on the couch, and went to her room. So, Jess. Did he still like her? He seemed pretty cool with her at the wedding, but she had been self-absorbed and lost the precious hours they had together to catch up. Was she always like that? She really regretted having missed the chance. She knew he cared for her. Deeply. Selflessly. He did back then, when he kicked her ass about dropping Yale and not talking to her mom, and then she went to visit him in Philadelphia and messed up what they had. She hated thinking about that. It was, after all those years, a bottom low in her existence. She always avoided thinking about it, as if, by doing so, she could erase the stain that she knew would delete forever the possibility of them. Wait, was that it? Had she always counted on that possibility? It was really hard for her to think about Jess with everything else on top; she really feared the implications of that particular train of thought. But boy, had he buffed up nicely. Thinking about his body seemed much less complicated. Plus, she really wanted to. She wondered how he had got so muscular. He was a writer – was he carrying very heavy books at the publishing house? He probably was a real ladies man, how could he not be? She was sure he always had been. She felt a very uncomfortable pang of jealousy. Why was she jealous? She didn't have a right to be. But the arms. Oh, those arms. She smiled thinking about Editor McBuffin, a very hot bookworm that could talk about the great Russian writers and then pound you hard against the great Russian writers shelf in the library. Wait, where did that come from? Was the pregnancy making her super horny and cheesy? She was only two months in, but she really was. It was funny. Jess was the first real life guy she had ever masturbated to, and her first virtual orgasm. Back then, she had never invested so long in a fantasy so as to actually come, she would just rub herself aimlessly and given up after a while, content with having a small physical outlet for her fantasies She had never done it thinking about Dean. Jess was different. When they started dating, she avoided masturbating for a while. She was afraid that, by doing so, she would cross a line and that he would know, somehow, propelling things forward. It was one day, after they had been making out a bit too hard in Luke's apartment and she had felt _him_ against her hip, that she tried when she got home. And she came. She had never done so, perhaps because she was too lazy to keep going about it, but she wasn't when thinking about Jess, she just couldn't get enough. That was also the first time that she fingered herself, but she didn't imagine that he was penetrating her. Well, she tried, but then her fingers didn't seem right, she believed he would be more… present, more overwhelming. So she settled for her fingers to represent his instead, and her hands to represent his all over her.

She quit cold turkey after he left. She didn't want to, she even tried one night soon after but started crying after her orgasm, and that was a tough lesson for her, still a virgin, to learn: that at the moment of release, one could start crying so desperately, and be so open and raw, letting everything that was bottled out. So she never did again. She thought about it when he told her he loved her but quickly dismissed the idea (after all, she was over him, right?) and again before visiting him in Philadelphia. She got close that time. After what had happened with Logan, she had taken to daydreaming about Jess, about the possibility of them, his visit so near in her memory. But she had stopped herself. It was not that she felt that she was cheating on Logan or anything, it was like a barrier she had. She closed that door when he left because the abyss lay at the other side, and she would never open it again. But the arms…

Tentatively, she moved a hand down and started rubbing herself lazily. Did he still smell the same? He always smelled so good, it was clean but not perfumed, with just a sweet hint of hair wax and the smokiness from his cigarettes, and a trace of his leather jacket. But it was not the products he used or didn't use that made him smell so good, it was just… him. His pheromones would wreak havoc on her. Would they still smell the same? Like, did those things change over time? It would certainly be a pity. Logan didn't smell like that. Logan. She was surprised that the intrusion didn't freak her out so she let it slip out again easily. OK, Jess. The way Jess kissed. Where had he learnt that? Was it him or was it them together being really good at it? She was sure he was an amazing lover. He had to be, he had this thing about him, like the way he would caress her face softly but kiss her hard at the same time, as if he was in control of a great power but gentle about it, and the promise of that power aroused her like no other. And they had only ever kissed. She started rubbing herself harder, with more purpose, and imagined his hands all over her body, tracing the path he would follow with her free hand, pinching her nipples, grabbing her hips hard when thrusting, his mouth wet on her neck, sucking her, and suddenly her dry hand was not good enough for rubbing herself so she licked it and went back at it, stifling a moan against her caressing hand. She grabbed a pillow and buried her face in it, biting it, while she chose a more purposeful rhythm for her hand, but the image in her mind was never changing, never faltering, it was him entering her hard, as she knew he would do if he got the chance – as she would want him to. Just as she reached her release an image appeared in her mind, the look he would give her if he was to come with her on their first time, so long overdue, and she was surprised by what she saw in her imagination. It was a soft look, and she recognized it, it was not dissimilar to the looks he would give her still, from time to time, sweet and caring, almost with reverence. She came and right after started crying desperately, just like that last time she masturbated after he left, and she finally understood why she had kept him shut all those years, why she had put lock on top of chain on that door, and then cried some more, because it was something too big and scary for her to name, and probably lost forever.

She heard Luke's van and the entrance door opening, and then half-heard him whispering to her mom. "Lorelai… let's go to bed. I don't think I can carry you."

"Huh? OK… How was the evening?"

"It was great. Good fun."

"How's Jess?"

Rory's heart stopped when the answer didn't come quickly.

"He's really good. He looked very happy. I met his girlfriend."

"Oh, our town hoodlum has a heart!"

Rory held her tears as she heard her mom and Luke go upstairs, and then resumed crying. How could her mom had ever doubted it? Jess had the biggest, warmest heart, a beautiful contrast to that hard exterior he had had to carve for himself. But his heart was someone else's now. The feeling was still too big and scary to name, but it didn't matter anymore, as she knew it was lost forever.


	7. The Kids Are Alright

**The Kids Are Alright**

Jess had considered declining his mom's invitation. After all, things were good with Martina, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to pass the Gilmore test yet, not until a bit later in the relationship. Things were going fast. Jess asked Martina out soon after Luke's revelatory phone call, and that had only been just a month and a half ago. But it was good, and Jess was not one to chicken out once things became clear for him. Not anymore, at least. He was not naive about his past. He knew that, ultimately, he was the one to fault for his demise with Rory. He didn't go about it right. To begin with, he had prided himself at the beginning of their relationship for being the anti-Dean, a sort of bigger-than-life entity modeled after his literary heroes. The punk Jess knew that true love didn't need Winter Carnivals or carefully planned dates. He even thought she would get it when he left, that she was Catherine to his Heathcliff, Estella to his Pip, Zelda to his Fitzgerald, and that she would understand, in the way that only a real soulmate understands all things understated, that he had a journey to go through before being worthy of her. He had smugly believed that their connection, a beautiful snowflake in their colorless existence in Stars Hollow, the quirkiest ring of Hell, would stand the test of life. But he had missed the point completely. It was funny how he, who had prided himself in knowing her after all those years without real contact, had failed to grasp while they were together the single most important truth about Rory. It was not that Jess had been her Jess because he was different to Dean, it was just that he had been _him_. She hadn't forsaken feeling secure, nurtured, loved. She had just wanted to be with him. He should have provided those things for her, just as Dean (damn bag boy) had learnt to do before. He hurt her truly first, and well, after that, how could he fault her for hurting him back? Whether it was her survival instinct, fear, or a lack of feelings, the truth was that he started it all. He hoped he had learnt the lesson, and wished he never had to be on the hurting side again. It would collide with the person he had tried to become.

It worried him. He knew he wanted to move further with Martina, but was constantly comparing her expectations with his own. He hoped he was moving just at the right pace so as to get enough time to let his feelings for her grow without putting himself in the position of facing love declarations before being ready. He had avoided that type of situation for many years, and sure, it had been fun and stress-free, but he knew he would eventually need to try again. It scared the shit out of him. And he couldn't help thinking about it a lot. He was afraid of becoming a state-of-the-art robot, capable of mimicking human interactions but without fully understanding or feeling them. Well, he was not a robot, he knew that. He had had feelings before and they were very easy to recognize and name, without a hint of a doubt. But it was the first time he was trying for real to go through the motions again, and he was concerned about not being able to recognize and name those feelings anymore. And if he couldn't, did that mean that they were not there at all? It had to be simpler. He dismissed those fears for the time being. After all, it was still too soon to tell.

And there he was, waiting for Doula outside Stars Hollow's Primary School, still unsure if he would pass the test were he to meet Rory. He had arrived to a compromise with his mom and would spend the first weekend of Christmas break with them but not Christmas day, as he knew they were all getting together at the Dragonfly before Lorelai and Luke left for Nantucket. That would have been too much for him too soon. But he wanted to spend more time with his sister. He liked her. He really wanted to get to know her better. And he pitied her. He pitied himself more for the version of his mother he had had to endure, but… TJ? That was pretty pitiable. At least she wasn't involved by family connections in a cult anymore.

He was a bit early, so he took out of his bag _Book 2_ of Knausgaard series, aptly named "A Man in Love". The book was really getting to him, and he hoped for his new novel to capture at least a glimpse of what Knausgaard had so brilliantly expressed about love and life.

"Hey, Jess."

There was Lane, all cool and motherly. It struck Jess that Lane had always been cool-cool, totally unconcerned about her own coolness, and that had stuck with her over the years. He gave her a true smile.

"Hey! How are you?"

"Good, good. Well, you know, the twins are driving me nuts. I just came out of a teacher meeting because it seems they've been up to no good lately. So, yeah, how good can one be?"

"Right. Well, don't worry too much about it – they're kids, and I have a hunch that you guys have created a nurturing household for them, so I'm sure they have all the building blocks to achieve true happiness. Don't stress. Kids are punks, anyway." She gave him a weird look, as if she had seen a dog talking. "Hey, this is a pearl of wisdom from Stars Hollows most celebrated hoodlum, don't dismiss it!"

She laughed. "Sorry, for a minute there I realized that's the longest I've ever heard you talk, so my brain froze."

"No worries, I know the stare well, I get it a lot around here. So, is Zack good?"

"Yeah, well, falling deeper into the corporate trap than he would like and totally freaking out about it, but good. You know, Steve and Kwan are pretty good friends with Doula, are you here to babysit? Because we could do something together. You know, unless you were planning on alone quality time with your sister."

"That would be really cool, if Doula is up for it. I really wouldn't want to disappoint her if she just wants us to have a makeover on each other or something, but it works for me."

"Great. Because you don't strike me as a mom who won't stop talking about grades and career paths and the pitfalls of our public education system, and I could use an adult conversation on music."

"Oh, I'm totally up for that. A music conversation, not a conversation about grades. I would make a terrible middle-class white mom."

"Jess!" Doula came running to him and gave him a hug and a kiss. "Are you really here for the weekend?"

"You need to trust your eyes, kid! Do they not teach you anything at that public school of yours?"

Lane laughed. "Hey, Doula, I was saying to Jess that we could do something with Kwan and Steve, would you be up for that?"

"Cool! Can we get ice cream? Mom doesn't let me because she says it's not organic and it's full of nasties, but I love it."

"Wait, do we share moms? What do you say, Jess?"

"Whatever pushes Doula away from the organic vegetable cult and me from a makeover."

* * *

They spent the afternoon eating ice cream and playing Mario Kart in Lane's house. Lane gave him tons of recommendations for obscure bands when he confessed he had polished his tastes and would now accept post-punk as a desirable outcome in the rock genealogy, and Lane was excited to let her knowledge shine after he told him that he was really interested in the female role in punk history and that he loved the Slits and Siouxsie and the Banshees. Zack joined them for a while after work, and Jess and Doula left shortly after.

"So, what's that big book that you were reading? Can I read it?"

Jess handed it to her.

"Uh huh! _A Man in Love_! Is it romantic? Are you in love?"

Jess laughed. "No, I don't think so. It's a pretty big thing, being in love."

"Well, I'm in love with Kwan. How should I go about it?"

Jess wondered if Doula had told her mom already, or if she was confiding in him because he was her big brother. He liked the idea of that. "What does mom tell you about it?"

"Mom? She doesn't know! Please, don't tell her! Oh, I shouldn't have told you, I don't know why I did."

"Hey, don't worry! I won't tell anyone, I promise. I just didn't want to supersede mom's advice."

"What's _superseed_ "

"It's super _sede,_ S-E-D-E, and it means replacing authority, as in I didn't want to say something that would clash with what mom had said and mess up."

"But we had ice cream. That superseded her authority and you didn't mind."

"Behold the apprentice surpassing the master. You are right, you caught me. I asked about mom because I was curious if you had told her."

"Why?"

"It felt pretty cool being the person you trusted with your secrets, and I wanted to know if I was the only one. I like it."

"Of course you are. You are my brother. Plus, I trust your opinion. You've never ever worn stupid clothes."

"So that's important for the subject matter?"

"Very. Imagine I asked advice to a boy who dressed like an idiot. How could he know anything about love?"

"You make a crushing point."

"So, what do I do?"

"You know what, Doula? Even if my good taste in clothes makes me, in your eyes, worthy of your trust, I'll tell you that I've messed up big time before with girls that I loved and that I would feel uncomfortable giving you advice that could potentially make you repeat your brother's mistakes. That being said, you do you, Doula. You are, by far, the coolest kid I've ever met. Scratch _kid_ , you're the coolest person. Just make sure you don't hurt each other and stay good friends, and the rest will follow."

"And what's the rest?"

"That's a beautiful question for your mom."

"So… You messed up with girls you loved before? How many?"

"Well, I guess this whole trusting-with-secrets thing works both ways, right?"

"I suppose."

"Girl. There has just been one girl."

"Wow, you serious? You're like _thirthy_ and you've only loved one girl?"

"Thirty-two, and yeah. So, are you going to reassess your adviser hiring parameters now?"

"Nah, I still trust you. So, do you still love her? The girl?"

Jess exhaled. "Mmm… I guess that, once you've loved someone, you cannot _unlove_ them anymore. So, yeah, in a way, I do. But it's different than being in love, it's more like loving a friend or something. I wish her good things. I wish her happiness, even if that means loving guys that are not me. What do you think? Complicated, huh?"

"Very. It must be a great kind of love, then. I don't think I have that. If Kwan loved another girl I would kick her."

"Totally understandable, if unfair. To be honest, the jury is still out on how well I manage those kicker instincts myself."

"That girl's an idiot. You are for sure the best boyfriend she could get."

"I really get that a lot lately." Yeah, he definitely liked Doula, and it was nice to talk about Rory, even if in a PG-rated conversation, just for once. "So listen, how does one go about loving Kwan but not Steve?"


	8. Lying to Lane

**Lying to Lane**

"Lane, I need to tell you something."

Rory was ready to start sharing the news to her closest friends, a sure symptom, she thought, of having worked everything out. "Me too."

"Really? What is it?"

"You first."

"Now I'm not sure. How important is your thing?"

"Not very. A 2, in a scale to 10. A 1.5, maybe."

"OK, you go first. Mine's higher, so I think it's best if we leave it for the end."

"OK... I hope you don't get mad, and I don't know why you should, but I still feel bad about it for some reason…"

"Lane, focus."

"Alright. Jess was here yesterday in a playdate with Doula, Steve and Kwan."

Wow, totally higher than 1.5. "OK… Why? How? Let me get it out of the way: I'm not mad at all, why would I be? I'm just surprised."

"I don't know, he's Jess. He has like this aura about him, like he has the ability to shake everyone's life if he wishes to. Your life. I don't know, I don't spend much time in the real world, I could be imagining things."

Rory thought that it sounded pretty spot-on. "So… My previous questions still stand: why? How?"

"I just saw him waiting in Stars Hollow's Elementary and we started chatting, and it was actually quite nice, and then there's something I need to tell you but you cannot tell anyone."

"OK… that sounds worrying."

"No, no, no! It's just that…"Lane lowered her voice as if she was still gossiping in Ms. Kim's house. "Kwan is in love with Doula."

"No way! That's so cute!"

"I know! So I saw Jess there, waiting for her sister, and thought I would play matchmaker."

"You're very cunning, Ms. Van Gerbig! So, how was it? The playdate, I mean. No, Jess, actually, how was Jess?" She tried to sound nonchalant but wasn't sure if she had managed.

"He was… really nice. As in really, really nice. He loves that kid to bits, let me tell you, and she loves him back. They're quite funny to watch, actually – he talks to her as if she was an adult and she actually gets him. That kid is gifted. And she always replies with very girly stuff and then you see Jess' head exploding, trying to come back with jokes that are not corny but failing most of the times. Perhaps kids are like Jess' kryptonite, you know? Like they disarm him or something." Rory couldn't stand it anymore and burst out crying. "Rory? What is it? Did I say something wrong?"

"No, no, it's just that... I'm pregnant."

Lane put a really serious face, darted to the cupboard and came back with a box of Mallomars. "Here, for the meltdown. I used to get them all the time and chocolate would be the only help."

Rory had one Mallomar between sobs. She watched Lane watch her eat it, as if she was disarming a bomb, and started laughing in fits at the tought, but still sobbing.

"Oh my god! You are 100% pregnant!"

"I know!"

Lane hugged her hard. "Sister, welcome to the club. It's the shittiest club ever: alcohol is not allowed." That only made Rory cry and laugh harder, and it got Lane crying and laughing too. "OK, we need to calm down here! You need to tell me everything! And what has Jess have to do with everything?"

"What? Nothing!"

"Sorry, it's just that your meltdown came right after me talking about him being great with kids and I just connected the dots."

"No, there's nothing going on with Jess. And the baby… is Logan's."

"OK… Logan who's getting married? Logan in London? That Logan?"

"That one."

"Oh, OK. And… Jeez-there-are-so-many-things-I-want-to-ask-and I don't know where to begin! Give me a Mallomar."

Rory handed her the Mallomars and then told her everything about the pregnancy and what she had decided.

"I'm going to London. The day after tomorrow. To tell him. And I have a contract for him to sign."

"Wow, and… do you think he will?"

"I'm not sure, but I think he will be smart enough to take the easy way out that I'm handing him."

* * *

Rory left Lane's house and walked to the library, where she would sometimes go to write during the day if the diner was busy and she couldn't concentrate in the apartment. She selected her usual spot. It had a nice chair beside the window and a huge shelf of really outdated IT manuals on the back that no one ever checked out, which made her feel sheltered. That day, though, she was not alone in that corner. She could make out someone hushing behind the shelf.

"Tell me again why you like this spot?"

"Because it's right by the outdated IT manuals that no one ever checks and no one will kick us out for sitting here. Nobody has needed a Windows 95 manual since… well, 1995."

Jess. She couldn't decide if running or staying put.

"I love the book, Jess. Am I like Matilda a little bit?"

"A lot, that's why I got it. Minus the telekinesis. You don't have telekinesis, do you?"

"I wish. But I would tell you if I did, now that we share secrets and all."

"Good, because I have some really heavy boxes at home that I haven't touched since the last move and I could really use some help."

"OK, shhh, I'm trying to concentrate on moving things around here. Go back to your book."

Her heart was coming out of her throat. Lane had been right, only she had underrated how good he was with Doula. They were pals. They were book buddies. He had taken her to his secret reading spot. She felt something she had never felt, not even since finding out she was pregnant – maternal instinct. Towards a father. Was that a thing? Whatever it was, the feeling manifested itself with a good amount of arousal, as was usual lately. She needed to get out. She gathered her stuff untidily and darted out, only to crash against a buffed up wall.

"Stealing books, Gilmore?"

She blushed, and she knew instantly that it was the blush to end all blushes. "What?"

"Are you? You look really shaken, as if you had stolen the declaration of independence. Wait… are you stealing MS-DOS manuals for the Gazette?"

"I… I…"

"Go on, I won't tell. I'm the one that committed that fake crime in front of Doose's, remember?"

"I… I need to get out."

She circled around Jess and quickly made it to the door. She heard Jess ask Doula to stay put until he came back, and his sister asking him if "it was _her_ ". She wasn't. She wasn't the _her_ in Jess' life, whatever her name was. She never heard the reply, though, because as soon as she was near the door she started running.


	9. Lying to Jess

**Lying to Jess**

At first he froze. He couldn't believe it, Rory was running from him. Again. What had gotten into her? Had she really stolen books? What was she hiding? He managed to regain his senses quickly enough and followed her. It was Gilmore, after all – he was sure she hadn't become a runner in the past years. He caught up with her around the corner and lowered his speed to stay right behind her. She stopped at a crossing, and he took advantage to grab her arms slowly, so as not to scare her. She lowered her head when he did and seemed defeated, but didn't attempt to escape anymore, so he strengthened his hold and turned her around. She was crying. He thought he had never seen her cry; at least not like that. It broke his heart.

"Rory, what's wrong? Please, don't cry."

"I'm sorry, it's alright, I'll be fine. You can go."

He considered. For some reason he couldn't fathom, he knew she was crying because of him. Was she really, though? What had he done? He couldn't think of anything, but felt awful all the same. "I… I don't think I can. I get it, though, that you don't want to be around me right now. Can I just follow you from a distance until you get home? I really can't stand seeing you like this."

She laughed. He didn't know why but she laughed. The tears seemed to stop. "Thanks. That's very sweet. I'm fine now, I swear."

"Rory… what's wrong? Can I help?"

"No, I don't think you can. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with you."

"OK, but still, you know you can tell me, right?"

"No… I don't think I can."

"Some people consider me quite understanding. After all, I've made all the mistakes in the book."

"I doubt it. And… I can't tell you. Yet. But I will, I promise. I'm just not ready yet."

He had no clue what was going on, absolutely no clue. He had never in his life felt so clueless. He was shocked. He wondered if that's how Rory had felt when he left, or when he came back for his car and wouldn't stop running away from her. He felt terrible. But, since he had been on the other side, the least he could do was being supportive. "Don't worry, Ror, you don't even need to tell me, I'll be here for you anyway – you know that, right?"

She looked at him with doe eyes. She seemed fearful, but nodded.

"Can I suggest something? It's one of those wonderful inventions that make people instantly feel better without the need of words."

"Are you talking about… prescription drugs?"

Jess laughed. "No, Gilmore: a hug. A plain old hug. I'll give it to you, and you don't even need to do or say anything. Just stay put."

Jess saw her doubt, so he encircled her slowly, giving her time to push him away if she wanted. She didn't push him, though, so he closed his arms around her completely. At first she didn't move, but he felt her breath deeply once and then return the hug, settling to his body. For a brief moment he almost reconsidered everything he had decided during the past two months. He had missed being so close to her. He had missed her scent. He could tell she didn't use the same toiletries anymore but still smelled like Rory. But he suddenly felt her weeping against his jacket, her face nestled on his chest, and those thoughts were replaced by pure concern. She wouldn't tell him anything, he knew, so he just stood there, in that close hug, hoping that she would at least find some relief in it. After a while she stopped crying and he kissed the top of her head. She broke the hug, slowly, while he returned his hands to her arms and searched in her face.

"Feel better?"

"Yes. It really is a wonderful invention."

He smiled, and he saw her smile back. "That's what I've been told. I had never tried one, though. Beats hitting a wall, if you ask me, and hurts a lot less. That's a lesson for you, Gilmore."

She laughed. "Thanks, Jess. I will go now. Please don't worry about me, I'm fine."

He nodded, but knew he was lying – he would worry. She saw her cross the street and leave, and he run back to the library. He found Doula where she left her.

"So?"

"Is it alright if we leave now, Doula? We'll go back home."

She nodded, understanding, and followed him out of the library. "So that was her."

"How did you even know?"

"You should have seen your face when you saw her."

"And how did _you_ see it?"

"Peeped through some empty space in the shelf. Are you angry?"

"With you?" He stopped and looked at her. "Never." And he gave her a hug, which she returned with a kiss. "They're quite underrated, hugs. I'm starting to like them."

"Jess? You really must have messed badly for her to run away from you like that." That hurt, but she was right. He nodded. "Still, I also saw her from that hole, you know? And I really think she loves you back."

Jess dismissed her sister's words. He knew she was just trying to comfort him, but he appreciated it anyway. "I'll drop you home and will be back in half an hour for lunch. I need to do something first."

* * *

"Luke, do you have a minute? I need to talk to you. Alone."

Luke followed Jess out of the diner and to the back alley.

"OK, what's going on with Rory? I just met her in the library and she ran away from me. I caught her outside and she started crying big time. Is she OK? I'm really worried, Luke. Like, dead worried. Is she sick? Is she dying? It was not fair for you to tell me to move on if she is because I want to stand by her." He saw his uncle frown as if he was attempting a differential equation. Jess felt mad. "Man, are you listening?" He shook his uncle by the arms. "Is she? Fuck, just tell me already."

"No, Jess, don't worry, she isn't sick and she isn't dying, she's absolutely fine, in that sense, at least."

"Then what the hell is going on? I'm telling you, I had never felt dumb in my life and suddenly there's something I don't understand and I cannot stand it."

"I… can't tell you, kid. I really can't. It's Rory's life. She's just… figuring out stuff, but she's the one to tell you if she wants to, I cannot betray her. You're like a son to me, Jess, but… so is she. I can't say more. I'm really sorry."

Jess let out a breath and started pacing. "Well, as long as she is not dying. I guess she will tell me eventually."

"She will, I'm sure she will. So… she ran away? From you? And then started crying?"

"Yeah! She's been really weird with me lately. She was aloof at the wedding, then rang me one day out of the blue, and now this."

"That's weird."

"Wait, so what you know is going on with her has nothing to do with me?"

"Why would it?"

"Beats me! But you seem so surprised as I was of her running away from me."

"Yeah, I don't know. Have you done anything?"

"Oh, there we go. The town hoodlum wreaking havoc again. I haven't done anything!"

"Well, I had to ask! It's very weird…"

Jess stopped pacing, suddenly worried for his cluelessness being a genetic trait. "Luke, listen to me: is there anything in this situation that makes you think that what you told me over the phone is not valid anymore?"

He saw it. He saw doubt. Luke was slow in gathering his words. "And… what if it did? That ship had sailed, you told me yourself! And what about Martina? You two seem happy, Jess!"

He was right. He had lied to his uncle that day. When he saw her after four years and they were both available he had entertained the idea of a new chance for them. And he had pretended that it was not true. "I know. And I am. Was. I'm very confused right now. But listen, if there is a chance and you know, you need to tell me, because this is very serious. It's taking all my courage to be in a relationship again and it's not without its doubts, but I'm trying, I really am. It's just… it's Rory, you know? It's my life. It's not a rehearsal for the big play, it's the only shot we get and then we all die and I don't want to make it to that day wondering what could have been, and I don't want to be with someone without being 100% sure that there wasn't anything else for me to try in that regard, because I couldn't forgive myself, I just couldn't, and I don't want to feel that way anymore, you know? It's been fucking hard! I fucked up before. I fucked up and I made myself unhappy. I don't want to do it again. I swear I've become the fucking Jedi of feelings and I don't want to go to the dark side anymore. I try to be honest. With myself, with others, so I don't fuck up again. So help me out here. You should understand. You've been there, with Lorelai, right? Right?"

Luke hesitated but then smiled. He gave Jess a hug. "I know. I have. And I don't honestly know what to tell you about Rory, and that's a first, because I sure like to tell people what's best for them. But, you know what? You do you, Jess. You're way better at this than I ever was. Do what you think is right, and the rest will follow."

"Jeez, uncle Luke, do you buy love advice in my store? Because I've heard that one before."

"What?"

"Never mind."

Luke patted Jess and with a smile head back to the diner. Jess stayed in the alley for a couple minutes to recompose his cool façade, and then left the back alley absent-minded enough to bump right into Lorelai.

"Hey, step nephew! Distracted much these days?"

"Yeah, well, there seems to be an epidemic."

The quip wasn't good enough for his standards and certainly not enough for Lorelai's. He saw her coming up with a reply but then stopping. She seemed confused by his look, somehow.

"Are you OK? You seem… distressed, and the banter was no good. Come on, you can do better. We're family now, I forgive you. Give it a shot."

He doubted. He was really losing it that morning. "Lorelai?"

"Jess?" She was bewildered, he could tell.

"You're right, Lorelai, we're family. I know this offer is not going to come from your favorite relative in the world, but here it comes anyway. I know something's wrong with Rory. She hasn't told me what, but I can tell it's serious and I'm really concerned. If you, at any stage, consider that I could help Rory in any way, by being by her side, by bringing food or books, by kicking a snowman, whatever, will you let me know? I asked her what's wrong and she wouldn't tell me. I have a hunch it's a bit of Gilmore pride, I know the feeling well because I invented it. But I also know that, even at my most stupid, the unasked help of those around me made the world to me. So… will you?"

He saw shock in Lorelai's face, and was a bit surprised when he realized that even Lorelai had been probably just as clueless as everyone else in the most serious matters. "I… don't know what to say. I would really need to know that that's what Rory needs before doing so, but yeah, if I ever really know it, I will, for sure."

"Thanks. And I'll keep working on that quip for next time."

Jess made a gesture to leave, but Lorelai stopped him.

"Wait! There really is an epidemic, huh?" He smiled at her attempt to build a bridge between them. "So… you really care about her, don't you?"

"But of course, Mr. Emerson. What did you all think?"


	10. Lying to Logan

**Lying to Logan**

The six-hour flight to London was tough. She spent half of the flight puking and the other half going over her encounter with Jess. She was sure it had been the clumsiest, most desperate display of a disturbed mind in the history of humanity. And he had been… amazing. She had been a bit surprised of how well he had managed her when she thought about it on the way home, but then she wasn't surprised at all. That was Jess. He had become that person. For a moment, she wondered if he had gotten so good at communicating feelings after what had happened between them, if he had learnt a tough lesson then, but then dismissed the thought. She didn't think herself that important. She didn't think she _deserved_ to be that important, after having fucked up everything so irrevocably. She didn't deserve such a person. But he had been amazing. And she knew he would always support her, even if she didn't tell him what was going on. But, what would he do when he knew? He would probably support her still, even if he was disappointed. She cried. She didn't even have the right to think about those things. He was with someone else now, and she knew one thing: she couldn't be old Rory anymore. She couldn't destroy another relationship, and especially not Jess'. He didn't deserve it, he deserved to be happy and with someone who wasn't as fucked up as she was. And even if he was available, what would she ask of him? To start a relationship with a pregnant woman? To Jess, who had never had a father figure, as herself, when he grew up? She knew he was far too responsible to be messing up with such things. She promised herself she would stay away from him.

She thought how he still smelled the same, minus the leather jacket, the hair wax and the cigarettes. Damn, she had had a really hard time with that hug, she had just been a melting pot of feelings and she hadn't known which one to fight off the most. She had really wanted to rip his clothes apart and have him rip hers, at first. But then, she had wished for him to hold her all night and caress her, and to forgive all of her mistakes, and to whisper to her that everything would be alright, so there was that. But she couldn't think about those things anymore, that ship had sailed for her. How was she going to avoid those thoughts further on? She needed to stop if she had to stay away from him. She cried while crushed against the corner of her tiny seat by a large, snoring Hasidic jew. It was like an ironic biblical punishment. She had definitely hit rock bottom.

* * *

She met Logan in a posh, quiet cafeteria in Chelsea. She had chosen the place – she had wanted to avoid the uncomfortable moment of ordering drinks before the truth was out. She had allowed herself a real coffee, though, just that once. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and sat down with a smirk on his face.

"Let me tell you, Ace, that I've never been so intrigued in my life. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Uh, well, I need to tell you something, and I need you to hear me out before saying anything."

"Then please get started, the suspense is killing me."

Alright, here she came. There was the moment she had been preparing for all those months. She prayed to whatever gods were available to a horny, clumsy, pregnant former adulteress and underpaid bookshop assistant to help her stay strong. "Well, alright. Here I come. Alright." She took a sip of her coffee.

"Ace! Out with it, I'm dying here."

"OK…I'm pregnant. It's yours, obviously." His face betrayed shock. "So here's the part of the speech I need you to hear out before saying anything: I'm keeping the baby, but the way we left things still stands for me. I think there's a reason that we haven't been official these past years, and it's because we are not really _it_ for each other, in case you were wondering if I'm here to break your marriage or anything. I don't want any money; in fact, I won't _accept_ any money. If you feel in any way obliged in that sense towards the baby, by all means, feel free to put money aside for it. Oh, it's so weird calling it _it_. Anyways, the most important part. If all these conditions seem reasonable to you, I will be more than happy for you to be in the baby's life in any way you feel comfortable with, and we can work it out, as long as I keep the custody and control of major life decisions such as schooling. You have a right to being in its life, ugh, _its_ , and that's why I'm telling you, no hidden agenda. Oh, yeah, one last thing: I want it to be a Gilmore. I think, with the current situation, that would be the smartest. And that's it."

Logan seemed mad. "Wow, you do seem to have everything worked out. Are you sure you didn't get pregnant all by yourself?"

She noticed she had hurt him and she felt terribly bad for it, but she knew she was doing the right thing. "I truly believe this is the best way."

"Is there anyone else in your life?"

"What?"

"Because, you know, it would have been much easier to just go on with it and have whoever be the pretend dad, you know? Since I don't seem to count for anything."

"No, Logan, there's no one else." And it was true, after all. As much as she wanted, nothing was going to happen with Jess. "I think… I think it's a lot of information for you to take in now. It's taken me a long time to get here myself. I think you should think this through and we can talk about it again, I'm staying until tomorrow. Please, let's do this right. I want to do this right for you as well. Here." She got the contract out of her purse. "Check it out. Have your lawyer revise it."

"Do you think I care about any of this, Rory? It's our kid, that's how I want to think about it, not like a scandal that needs to be covered up. You are really insulting me by doing this."

"So, how would you go about it? Tell me, because two heads think better than one and perhaps you're right, perhaps there's a different way, but believe me when I tell you that I've been thinking about this constantly for two months and this is the best I have come up with, so give me a bit of credit here."

"I don't know, Rory." He had stopped calling her _Ace_. "I mean, you want the world not to know it's mine. That hurts."

"That's not it, Logan. The few people that know of course know it's yours. If you're in this, the baby will know. But I'm not marrying into your family, and you are still marrying Odette, aren't you? I can't see how a Huntzberger heir that doesn't come from your marriage would be something you wanted." Logan conceded with his face. "And do you honestly feel bad because I don't want any of your money? I work in a bookstore! I'm absolutely broke! Let me assure you that a big fat check would be the easy way out."

"Why are you working in a bookstore, anyway? You could do better, Ace. Did you go to the meeting with Condé Nast?"

"I couldn't, I couldn't do better. I could pretend that I'm doing better, pretend that I have a lavish life that would make it seem for you that I'm doing better, but it would all be a lie. I don't want to pretend anymore. I need to start with baby steps, no pun intended, and be truly independent from everyone. This is the way. It's not necessarily going to be pretty."

"So, what: are you hoping that your little book will be a best-seller, the next big American novel, and you'll have your Cinderella story? All writers starve."

"That was uncalled for, and I've heard that contempt for a writer before. I don't like it. I never said that I expected the book to save me, but it is something that brings me joy. You should be able to gauge the importance of it, because it is important for me."

"Wait, is this what it is? That Hemingway friend of yours has convinced you to join the beat side of life? Are you all buddy-buddy with him now?"

"Stop. There's nothing there. I don't like this, it's really hurting me. I truly want to do things right. I know what right means to me. I think you need to think about what it means to you and come back so we can discuss this as adults."

Logan stood up to leave but then sat back again. "You're right, Ace. I'm sorry." He put his hand on the table and Rory grabbed it. "First things, first: how are you?"

She smiled. "I'm fine. Puking at regular intervals, but fine."

"You've been holding yourself like a queen so far. And you look great." He paused. "How's the baby? It's still an _it,_ I gathered from your uncomfortable use of pronouns, right?"

"The baby is fine, and yeah, it's a mystery, still." She pressed Logan's hand. "I'm sorry if I broke the news this way. I truly thought it was best."

"I know you did. And sorry for hinting at an involvement with someone else. I was afraid."

"But I was with Paul before and you didn't mind."

"No, I didn't mind that. I would mind you having feelings for someone else, though."

"Logan…"

"I know. I know."

"Well, you don't need to worry about that." And what else could she say? She couldn't even worry about it herself.

"It's just hard, you know? This feels really final."

"What do you mean, Logan? It was final the last time as well."

"Was it? I though it was final long ago but we've still had the last two years. I thought… I don't know. That maybe, after the wedding, if we gave it some time… we would find the way to each other again."

Rory took her hand and put it back in her lap.

"Ouch."

"I'm sorry, Logan. But it really was final for me."

She hated the version of Rory Gilmore she saw through Logan's eyes. She despised it because it was real for him, because that's who she had been. She wondered if he was right. If she hadn't had the rude baby awakening, would they have eventually gone back to the old ways? He truly believed it. It was a sour pill to take.

"Don't worry. I can see that now, Ace."

She took a breath. "I loved you, I really did. I still do, and I guess I will always do, in a way, like I will always be there for you, if you need me, just not like that. You want me in your life in a way I can't accept."

"And if I didn't? Are you saying that the only problem is Odette?"

She had feared this moment more than anything else. He was handing her option B. She considered it for the last time. After all, she had destroyed all possibilities of having a chance with Jess, and it was Logan. She loved him, somehow. Perhaps they could make it work. Perhaps that would be the truly selfless thing to do, for the baby, to provide a life that would be easy. But that hadn't worked so well for her. No, it hadn't. She suddenly understood that she had been a much better version of Rory Gilmore in her first, humble years in Stars Hollow, than with all the commodities of the world when she grew up.

"I think… not, Logan. I think we're not right for each other. I think if we were, we've had many chances of figuring it out over the years. I think that's not the way to approach this. A part of me wants to say yes but it's not the part that I'm most proud of. It wouldn't be right. I need everything to be right, from now on. It's not for my sake. There something more important now."

They left the cafeteria and went different ways. Logan promised to go through the documents and think about everything so they could discuss it again before her plane left the next day. She walked to her cheap B&B. She felt sad, but she had done the right thing, and that felt good. She was going to be alright. After all, she had succeeded in the most challenging test of her life. She was finally confident that she would be able to let Jess go. She also cared for him deeply, selflessly. He deserved better. She would make right by him from then on, regardless of her own feelings. She truly wished him all the happiness in the world.


	11. Lying to Lorelai

**Lying to Lorelai**

She went straight to her mom's after the plane landed. Since she had everything figured out about the baby and had accepted that she didn't want to interfere with Jess' life, she was more comfortable with the prospect of being around Luke. She knew anyway that he wouldn't mention his nephew in front of her, there had always been a sort of tacit agreement between them since Jess left, all those years ago. But when she arrived home, her mom was alone. Lorelai hugged her at the door and stood looking at her closely. Rory thought that she was probably worried that she had changed her mind about Logan in the end.

"It's done. He has the contract. You can breath now, mom."

She did, audibly. "Don't get me wrong, kiddo, I know you have a strong will, but I know better than anyone that what you did was tough. So, how was he?"

"He was good. Mad, at first, at my coldness."

"It must have been really hard for him. I might not approve of his lifestyle, but he sure cares for you."

"I know. Still, we were supposed to meet again this morning – was it this morning? I don't know in which day I'm living anymore. Anyway, we were supposed to meet again so he could have time to go over the contract and think about everything but we didn't, in the end. He said he needed more time to consider. But he reassured me that he wouldn't stand in the way of doing this the way I wanted, and I believe him. I guess he's just… shocked." Rory thought that she saw the shadow of a doubt over her mom's face, but she didn't dwell on it. There was no overturning things anymore. "So, where's Luke?"

"Oh, he went to Liz's for dinner."

"But Luke hates TJ."

"Nah, he doesn't hate him so much. Just his Crocs."

"Yeah, right, and he likes grandma, too. Listen, you don't need to hide it, mom. I know he knows. I'm not mad."

Lorelai looked ashamed. "I'm so sorry, kiddo. I thought I would be better to you if I had a wonderwall of my own."

"You know what? I'm really glad you did, you've been great so far. If he's been helpful to you, I'm grateful." Her mom exhaled, relieved. "Mom? All these years… I feel like you've kept your opinion on things from me because you didn't want us to drift apart as we did when… you know. And I just wanted to tell you that… it's not going to happen. You don't need to be afraid of speaking your mind anymore. I actually want you too. I feel bad that you've felt that you had to because you feared the way I would take things. I know I've done things you don't approve of, and I wanted you to know that I don't approve of them either. But that's over now. I want you to be the true baby's grandma, not just a relative, after all."

Her mom started crying and hugged her.

"OK, kiddo. That's a done deal. I'm so proud of you."

"You know what? You hadn't told me that in a long while."

"Well, let's break the habit, shall we?"

They smiled at each other and cried together.

"I'll talk to Luke tomorrow, mom. I don't want him to be uncomfortable in his own house."

"He'll really appreciate you telling him. He cares for you."

"I know. And I for him."

"So! We haven't even made it to the living room. Come in, my precious baby baker."

Rory took her coat off and stepped in. Her mom had ordered a feast worthy of a movie night. She looked at her as if she had a devious design in mind. "I guess that you've chosen the film already."

"I sure have. Sit."

She collapsed on the couch. She could use a bit of entertainment. She was sick of thinking. "So, what is it?"

Her mother gave her a big grin. She knew that grin. She feared that grin. " _A Room with a View._ Someone mentioned it in passing the other day and I felt like watching it again. Plus I love the costume design. And there's naked British guys in it. There's very few instances of naked guys but not girls in films."

Fuck. Perhaps the thinking was not over, then. She didn't think she couldn't take that particular film at the moment. Her mom was staring at her.

"Not happy about my choice, loinfruit?" Yeah, she was really staring at her. Where was her mom getting at with that film choice?

"Huh, no it's fine. I loved the book."

"Good, good. Let's do it, then."

She pressed play and sit back. Over the film, at particular moments, she could feel her mom staring at her. So that's where she wanted to get at. Her mom thought she was like Miss Honeychurch, lying to everyone about her feelings. Did she also think she was as self-absorbed and posh as her? She couldn't help crying at the end of the film, though. It really did mirror her life, only it ended happily.

"Did you enjoy it, hun?"

"Well, aside from the fact that it made me feel totally shitty for not getting a happy ending, sure, it was lovely."

"Oh, but Logan really wasn't your _it_ , was he?"

"No, of course. But still, look at me." She pointed at her belly. "I don't believe guys will be queuing up to love me now."

"Guys, or _a_ guy?"

"Which guy?"

"I don't know… do _you_ know?"

"I thought we had established that the other day. Are you OK, mom?"

"Sure, hun. I was just thinking of poor Miss Honeychurch, with her true feelings all bottled up." She said it in her terrible mock British accent.

Her mom stood up and carried the leftovers to the kitchen. Rory helped her and then got her bag and took it to her room. Lorelai leaned on the door frame.

"I was just thinking the other day that, after considering how everyone turned out over the years, Logan is definitely my least favorite of your ex-boyfriends. The rest grew out fine, I guess. Except Dean. Yeah, he was a cheater, after all. Good night, hun."

Lorelai turned and left. Rory stood in her room, stunned.


	12. Hard Truths

**Hard Truths**

Jess had been in a distressed state of mind since he went back to New York. He had definitely failed the Gilmore test. But it was not only that, he was really concerned for Rory and couldn't get the fears out of his head. He accepted that he would need to be patient and wait for her to go to him, but it was hard. He felt he had been patient enough in his life already. Still, he couldn't deny the implications of what had happened to him when they met. It was tough to accept. He rang Martina's bell and went up to her apartment. She greeted him with a hug and a kiss, and somehow the whole hugging didn't feel as comforting anymore.

"Martina, I don't know how else to put this, but we need to talk." He couldn't stand the disappointment in her face. It was pretty similar to the one he felt.

"OK, Jess. Speak your mind."

"I really like you. Like, really, really like you, and believe me when I tell you that I hadn't felt like this in a really long time."

"You don't need to sugar coat it for me, Jess. Go on with the big _but."_

"Yeah, that. But I think I still have feelings for someone else, and I don't want us to go on unless I figure out if I do for sure. I feel really bad about this. I thought those feelings were gone, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm so sorry. I hope I'm doing the right thing by telling you."

Martina's face sunk, but she nodded. "Yeah, thanks for telling me. I really appreciate it."

"Martina…"

"No, I'm serious, thanks for telling me. I can see it's the truth. I really believe you didn't know before. You're not as hard to read as you think you are." She gave him a small smile, but it vanished in a glimpse. "Has anything happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"Between you and this other person. Have you… been together?"

"No, of course not. I wouldn't do that."

"Yeah, well. It's a pity, really. I thought so too, that you weren't like that."

"And how is it a pity, then?"

"It's a pity that you are the type of person that I thought and we can't be together, that's all."

And then it happened. If it had ever happened before, Jess didn't want to remember, because it was scary, but he started crying. "I'm so really sorry. I thought I was ready but I guess I wasn't."

"Hey! Don't be." Martina hugged him and laughed. "You have a talent for breaking up with people, Jess. Why am I comforting you?"

Jess laughed too. "I don't know! But you shouldn't."

"It's weird, I know I shouldn't, but I still can't not do it. Is that crazy?"

"Beats me. Life is crazy, I try not to dwell too much on it."

"Hey, Jess… don't be too sorry. I wasn't there yet either. No hard feelings."

"Now you are the one sugar coating."

"I'm not, I swear! I won't lie, I'm really disappointed. But… I get it. You cannot _unfeel_ feelings, it's just not possible, and even if you carrying yourself properly about it makes me… more disappointed, I respect it. I appreciate it. You're a decent guy."

"Thanks. It means a lot."

"Just… be happy, or whatever. So I don't need to feel sorry about this."

She stood up, and he followed suit. "You too. You're great. If I had a say in the matter, I would choose you."

"I'm not so sure about it, but thanks anyway. Take care, Jess."

She kissed him on the cheek and he left.

* * *

He spent the next couple of days trying not to think about everything. If he had learnt anything over the years was that it was not wise to make decisions while being a mess. He still didn't know what was going on with Rory, and he settled to waiting until he did to figure out everything. An unknown caller surprised him one morning.

"Hello?"

"Mmm… Hi, Jess. This is Lorelai."

"Well, hi. Is everything alright?"

"You are right. I can see why I call from my side could sound like the seven trumpets."

"No, it's not that, it's just… really, is everything alright?"

"Yeah, sorry, everything's alright and everyone's alright. So… listen, I heard you are not coming to Christmas dinner."

"Well, I have stuff to do in the city…"

"Santa, is that you?"

Jess laughed. Lying to Lorelai was tricky. "OK, OK. I just didn't want to make things complicated for anyone."

"Meaning Rory."

"Or you. Perhaps I don't want you to scold me for drinking your beers."

"OK, I'm getting old here. Listen, do you remember the last time we talked?"

"Vividly."

"Well, I still don't know anything in that regard, so it's not why I'm calling. But… Luke would really like you to be there, and even if I don't know if, as I was saying, you could be… helpful, I just want you to know that, at least in what concerns me, you wouldn't be… _un-helpful_. Does that make sense?"

"Hardly."

"OK, throw me a line here. Let me put it in a different way. Me, Lorelai Gilmore, would like you to come. It would mean a lot to me."

Jess was baffled. "Why?"

"I… really want to get to know you better. In case one day you become… helpful. As in you stay friends with Rory. I don't want to wonder why she takes advice from you being a hoodlum and all. I want my mind changed. I think it's time we at least took that step. And then you're my step-nephew. How's that for a life plot-twist, huh?"

Jess didn't want to read more into Lorelai's speech than what she was saying, but the appeal was too big. "You're right. OK, I'll be there."

"Great. You can stay at the Dragonfly in case you don't want to be around TJ when he's had too much punch."

"Wow, that's really nice, Lorelai. You know TJ is into Crocs now? He won't stop talking about them, or wearing them, which is really disturbing. I'll take your offer as long as I can pay for the room, otherwise it will be my mother's couch and TJ's drunk snoring and Croc parading."

"There's no way in hell you're paying."

"It's non-negotiable."

"I closed the inn for the day to have the dinner and everyone's off, it won't even be like a real inn, you won't have room service, and I'm not sure anyone will be staying there in the end, so in a way, if you stay, you'll be doing me a favor, guarding the house and all."

"You really have a knack for convincing people."

"It's one of my most celebrated traits."

"OK, Lorelai, you win. Thanks a lot."

"Thank you. See you in a couple days."

He guessed he would be figuring out everything soon enough. He dreaded the moment.


	13. Talking to Luke

**Talking to Luke**

Rory waited until Luke had closed down the diner to go downstairs. She helped him with the tables while he cleaned up the kitchen, and when she finished she poured a decaf for herself and sat on the stool in front of the kitchen entrance. When Luke went out he jumped, scared.

"Hi."

"Jeez, you really scared me there. I had forgotten you were here."

"Do you… want to sit down, Luke? I need to talk to you."

Luke nodded and lifted a finger as if asking her to wait. He went to the fridge, grabbed a beer and sat on the stool beside Rory's. "I'm ready now."

"I know you know that I'm pregnant, but I just wanted to tell you myself. I also wanted to tell you myself that I'm keeping it, that I'm going to do this alone – as in Logan-free – and that, well, I think I'm sorting everything out now. In case you were wondering."

"That's great to hear, Rory. Thanks for telling me." He awkwardly got up and hugged her briefly before sitting back. "OK. So is there anything else you need to tell me?"

"I was just wondering if you would like to be on the scaring-Taylor team once the news have been broken. I have a lot of ideas around _Rosemary's Baby_."

Luke laughed.

"Sure, kiddo. I'd love that. So, are you telling everyone over Christmas?"

"I… I don't want to tell my grandmother yet, not until I've settled papers with Logan. I fear she would throw a tantrum at Mitchum or something. I guess that, once that is settled, not even she would risk their family suing me for breaching a legal agreement. So I won't be joining you over the holidays in Nantucket. I guess mom will fill you in whatever excuse she thinks best for my not going."

"I think that's very sensible. You still don't show it, so I guess you still have a bit of time. What about the town people?"

"Yeah, I'll do that soon, but… I want to tell someone else first."

"Who?"

"Jess."

Luke nodded, understanding, and didn't seem surprised. "He'll really appreciate it. He's been worried for you."

"Luke?" She toyed with her cup's handle. "Do you think… he'll hate me?"

"I… don't really know. But… I don't think he has it in him. The ability to hate you, I mean."

She started crying. "I really hope so. It would kill me if he did."

She didn't see Luke standing up, her eyes were all blurry. He hugged her, less awkwardly this time. "Why don't you tell him that, kiddo? He has a right to know." He broke the hug and looked at her.

"But… I don't think it would be fair to him, since he's now happy and all, and I'm… you know."

"I don't think you have the power to decide what's fair for him, and neither do I. I think he will be the only judge of that. But I still think he would like to know, regardless. He's coming over tomorrow, for Christmas dinner. Did you know?"


	14. Christmas Presents

**Christmas Presents**

It was a crisp Christmas morning. Jess feared that snow would slow him down so he left Brooklyn early, but the roads were fine, so he stopped the car in a gas station right outside Stars Hollow to make a bit of time. He didn't want to be too early, and he was a mess. He didn't sleep well. He spent the night trying to fight off images of Rory naked. He had become, over the years, quite good at not masturbating to his wildest dreams. The only problem was that, in order to not do it, he had to forgo masturbation at all. Once he was at it, it was impossible to stop the images from coming in, and he always felt really sad afterwards, because he couldn't have the real thing. But he had given up last night. He considered for some hours not doing so, but then again, he hadn't masturbated _at all_ lately – after all, Rory was back in his life, and there was no fighting back images at that stage. He accepted, in the end, that if he was to spend the day near her, it was probably safer to get some release. And, since he was doing it purposefully, he didn't fight the images back.

It was amazing what fifteen years of repression could do. It was plain unhealthy. It was _wrong_. They had such a chemistry, it was sinful to not have it realized in a physical way. It went against nature. And he was very physical, but it was not only that. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to be with someone with such strong feelings, but he was pretty sure it would be life-altering. He was always torn, in his fantasies, between gentle and wild love-making. He wanted to lift her up and enter her against a wall roughly, to really feel her clench around him, to make her come and still have her beg him for more, and then give it to her. He wanted to thrust her doubts away, to make her realize she would never need another one, to spoil her for the rest. He wanted her to see that it was worth it, in the end, to have someone want you so completely and to not be afraid of taking it all in. Although, in a way, he feared the feeling, too. It was undeniably overwhelming. He wondered if she was afraid of that too, if that was the reason they had never been together; if she was simply scared. It was understandable. The feeling was really powerful. He knew that, somehow, she could always see that hunger in him, much as he tried to be gentle while kissing her. And he would also love that, too, being gentle, caressing her with a feather touch, kissing her every nook and cranny, even the most overlooked ones, like her ankles, or the fold behind her knees, or in between her fingers. He wanted to lick her softly, to use nimble fingers to go around and inside her, to hold her close at night, to fall asleep breathing in her neck, her smell all around him. In the end, he was glad he had masturbated - the smallest thought or detail triggered his longing too fast.

He decided it was time to face his fears, but before he carried on he went to the public toilet and splashed his face. He had spent thirty minutes that morning deciding what to wear. He hadn't taken that much time in dressing since high-school – since dating Rory, actually. In the end, he had settled for a snug, dark green merino sweater and a pair of black jeans. The hair just had to be its own way – there was no taming that beast. He accepted that he was as ready as he was ever going to be, as absolutely clueless of the situation as ever, and as deep in as always, so he drove away.

He found Doula sitting at the stairs of the inn. He was really glad he hadn't gotten the presents out of the trunk yet.

"Jess!" she gave him a hug. "You need to come see the reindeers."

She dragged him to the stables. He only realized after a while that they were holding hands all the way. "Hey, cool!"

"Oh, they're just reindeers, Jess: grow up. We just came so I could tell you that your girl is here!"

"You're really mischievous, Doula."

"It's Lorelai's daughter! I hadn't realized! You're almost cousins. It's like super weird."

"That's the smallest of my problems at the moment."

"Cheer up, you look good! Really un-stupid clothes, well done."

He smiled. "Well, your dress is great, too. And I'm very happy you approve of my outfit. It took me ages to decide."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and I'm not proud of it."

"OK, let's go back. No, wait, let's make a plan."

"Alright. What for?"

"Huh… two signals. One to get you out of a situation and one to… I don't know. Two seemed to make more sense. Anything you can think of?"

"The getting out one is fine. I'll… give you two winks." They shook hands. "Let's do this, partner in crime."

"No, wait!" His sister seemed worried.

"What's up, kid?"

"Nothing, just that… Kwan is also here."

Jess kneeled and put a hand on Doula's shoulder. "Doula, you would be the best girlfriend a boy could wish for. Just be yourself. And remember everything about the way he acts and I'll dissect it for you later."

He kissed her and then both headed back to the inn, hand in hand. He was asking her about _Matilda_ when he suddenly saw Rory, standing alone at the door of the inn. She was smiling shyly at him. Doula let go of his hand.

"We forgot one signal for _get out_. We'll do… blinking with both eyes!"

And just like that, Doula darted away. Jess approached Rory being very aware of the beating of his heart.

"Hi."

"Hey."

He couldn't tell if she just blushed or if her face had already been flushed from the winter cold. She wore her grey coat open, as if she had been inside and had just put it on to go out shortly. He wondered if she had gotten out just to greet him. She looked really good. She was wearing a loose aquamarine sweater and black skinny jeans with some old trainers, and looked less made up than she did lately, which he liked. The color of the sweater really complemented her eyes. He suddenly realized they hadn't said anything for a while.

"Quick, Gilmore, come give me a hand." She followed him to his car. He got out of the trunk a big bag, and from the glove box a small wrapped-up present. He handed her the bag. "Can you put these under the tree yourself? I don't want Doula to see."

She smiled. "Sure."

"And this one's for you." He handed her the wrapped present.

She looked surprised. "Can I open it?"

"Yeah, I guess it would be pretty lame otherwise."

She didn't even glare at him for the remark, she just left the bag on the ground and unwrapped the bundle happily. "Jess…"

It was an old copy of Oliver Twist. "It's a first Alta edition, not a real first one. Those are hard to come by. But I find the covers of the Alta's to be much prettier."

She looked up and smiled as if she kept a secret. She was definitely blushing. "Thanks. Yours is by the tree. I'll go bring these by the kitchen now." She grabbed the bag and started to walk but then stopped and turned. "Do you think… we can talk? Later? After dinner?"

Jess nodded, and she went through the back. He headed for the main entrance. He would have never confessed it, but he was a bit worried about how everyone would take his presence – after all, he was still town hoodlum to most. But he quickly realized he shouldn't have worried at all. Luke gave him a big hug that was less awkward than usual. His mom was beaming and telling everyone how well his son was doing and how handsome he was. TJ was just… well, TJ, happy to show off his Crocs. Lorelai gave him a quick hug, and smiled to him while thanking him for coming and for the present she had already spotted with her name under the tree. Michel, his husband, Sookie, Jackson and their kids were there, too, and all seemed OK with his presence. It was a relief to have Zach and Lane as well, at least he could start a conversation with them. Well, and there was Ms. Kim, who glared at him as soon as she saw him, and who he avoided as well as he could. He greeted the Van Gerbigs with a small nod and a smile, and they returned it.

"I've been checking everything you recommended, Lane, thank you so much. You know, I had hated _Heaven or Las Vegas_ back in the day but…" Rory joined them, smiling. He had lost his train of thought completely. OK. Cocteau Twins. He brought back his Mariano blank stare. "Yeah, I've really enjoyed it this time. I'm quite obsessed."

"Really? It was the easter egg of the whole collection, I wanted to check your shoegaze tolerance there. And I didn't go for _My Bloody Valentine_ or anything harder, I just went with the girliest shoegaze I could think of, to its true dream pop roots. Since you were into strong female leads and all."

For a second, Jess thought Rory was beaming when she turned to hear his reply, just as his mom did earlier showing him off. He thought he was losing it. "Well, I'm a believer now. Not a Bieber fan, just a Cocteau Twins one. It's weird, when I put it on I imagine it would have been Emily Brönte's favorite had she lived now, it's all very dark romantic…" He saw Doula winking at him repeatedly from a corner. Liz was trying to rub a stain off her face and he could tell his sister was mortified. "I need to go, I'm on brother duty."

He went and enquired Liz about her business, distracting her from Doula, but then Liz ran off to ask TJ if he had warned Ms. Whatever that her shipment was delayed. Jess exhaled, relieved that he wouldn't need to bear that conversation, and went back to Doula to check how she was doing, but she strongly closed both eyes. He turned and saw Kwan approaching her and traced back his steps. Someone grabbed him and pushed him behind the stairs. It was Rory.

"What was _that_?" She was whispering.

"What?" He lowered his voice too, unsure of what was going on. He just knew she was really close to him.

" _That_ , with Doula. She made you a signal. Do you have a code? I saw her winking at you to help her get rid of your mom and then when Kwan approached her she made you a sign. Was it for you to get out? Why did she want you out?"

Damn Gilmore. Wait, had she been spying on him? "I cannot tell you, it's a secret. I can't betray her."

He saw Rory think hard. She was really cute. "I see… No, you can't betray her. Still… OK. You can't tell anyone that I told you. Especially not Lane. We're talking serious stuff here. Like, life-changing stuff. I've never ever done this, and I've done some pretty bad stuff. I hope I'm doing the right thing here… because I'm betraying my friend so that you don't betray your sister, Mariano!"

"What is it? Jeez, the intrigue is killing me."

Rory got close to whisper the answer in his ear. She smelled of a light vanilla conditioner and sweet Rory pheromones. He repressed the urge to grab her and kiss her passionately against the wall and then with a sweep carry her up her stairs to his room, regardless of the audience.

"Kwan is in love with Doula."

He was stunned. He forgot about the kissing. "Are you serious?"

Rory nodded. "Come on! Say something! Did I do right, Mariano?"

She did. She really did. He felt truly happy for the first time in a while. "You know what? You just made my Christmas. She's going to be so happy. Wait, should I tell her? What do you think? Jeez, I suck at this. I told her earlier that I would dissect everything Kwan did and I don't even know if boys still smack the girls they like anymore. Do they? Damn, I'm a terrible matchmaker."

Rory dropped her head to one side, smiling at him. "Oh, don't worry about it. I think you're just perfect."

Had she just said he was perfect? She was blushing again and receding, she sure had realized that what she said had come out different than she expected. Should he kiss her now? He was seriously considering it when Lorelai showed up.

"Come on, it's time to open the presents!"

They all gathered around the tree. The kids went at it first – there was no stopping them. He watched how Doula opened his presents first, and he felt a pang of pride. He had gotten her the whole Roald Dahl collection of children's books, and a Super Mario video game he hadn't spotted at Lane's. He knew she didn't have a Wii at home, but that way she would have an excuse to go play regularly with Kwan.

His mom scolded him. "Jess! You know we don't allow a console at home!"

He looked at Doula, who was staring at him. "Yeah, well, I messed up. I guess I'll return it."

But he winked at Doula when Liz turned her head, and his sister ran between everyone and jumped to gave him a big kiss. The whole party oohed and he was mortified, probably blushing for the first time ever, so he lowered his head. When he brought it up a while after Rory was staring at him, but she also turned her head quickly. He looked around but there was no escape, Lane was nodding and smiling at him from a corner, knowingly. Then it was an opening presents mayhem. Frederick got Lorelai a beautiful scarf that was much better than his husband's scented candle. Michel got really annoyed at Lorelai for not remembering how much she had liked it when the night manager of the Independence Inn had given her the same present once. Unfortunately TJ got Jess some red Crocs, as if he would want to draw attention to himself when wearing them. Liz got him the latest best-seller, which he couldn't have cared less for, but was grateful for the gesture, and Luke and Lorelai got him a beautiful navy jumper.

"You know, this is a present I won't actually return. I really like it. And the size seems OK."

"Well, Lorelai chose it, so there you go."

He kissed his step auntie. "Thanks, Lorelai. Would you mind selecting my present from TJ next year as well?"

She laughed and agreed. "I guess, since we're all a big Croc cult now." She opened his present next, and was shocked.

"I know Rory got it once for you but lost it. I found it in a vintage vinyl store a couple years ago and got it for you. It might be even the same one." It was the Go-Go's vinyl signed by Belinda that Rory forgot in the bus after visiting him in New York.

"I… I don't know what to say. And you've kept it all this time?"

"Well, yeah. You're family, after all. I know we haven't been close but I always thought I could give it to Rory or to Luke so they could give it to you, but then you invited me, so it worked out perfect. Thanks for inviting me."

"Thanks for coming, Jess. You've left me speechless, and that's a first."

Lorelai turned and left and he knew she was going to tell Rory, so he took advantage of the fact that she would not be watching him and looked for her present under the tree. It was definitely a book. He opened it and saw it was Oliver Twist, Alta edition, the exact same one he had gotten her. He was flustered. He got up and turned around. Rory was staring at him from across the room, with a face he thought was probably mirroring his own shock. She turned and left, avoiding his gaze. For perhaps the first time since she went to Philadelphia, he had the feeling that they had a chance. But the memory of the last attempt and the acknowledgement of the depth of his feelings scared him. He was terrified, but also hopeful.

They all moved to the dining room for the feast Sookie had prepared. He felt Rory's gaze on him whenever he was not looking at her. As soon as they finished eating he said goodbye to Doula and left without telling anyone else, headed for the bridge.


	15. Telling Jess

**Telling Jess**

The sunset was near. She headed for the bridge, she had a hunch she would find him there reading, waiting for her. And she had been right. He was arched over a big book, deeply concentrated. She sat beside him, close enough so that their coats would brush if they moved. It was only after she had settled herself that he raised his head and looked at her. His face was blank, but kind. She could tell he was wearing his Jess mask so as to hide his emotions. Which, she didn't know.

"Hi, Gilmore."

"Hi, Dodger." His mouth twitched for a brief second, but he regained his blank face quickly enough. She saw it, though.

"Is the book good?"

He handed it to her. "If you're wondering if I have gone soft over the years and I'm reading a romantic novel as did Doula, let me jump ahead and tell you that it's not."

She looked at him. He was smiling. "No worries, I know it. I haven't read any of them, though."

"I can lend you the first one, if you want. Though this one's better."

"Thanks for the vinyl, Jess."

He looked at her, his face serious. "Thanks for the book. You have good taste."

She doubted. She needed to get going before he was too nice to her and she couldn't finish what she had come to do. "Jess…"

He grabbed the book, put it aside and looked at her. "I'm here."

"I need to tell you something. A lot of things. But I'm really afraid."

"I have to confess that I lied to you the day of the hug. I've been really worried about you. I don't know what it is that you think would be so horrible, but if it's any help, you are doing me a favor by telling me. I don't want to worry anymore."

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"I went to Luke and asked him if you were dying right after seeing you. I was that worried."

Her heart started beating faster. She repressed a sudden urge to cry. It would have been a release to do so, and she didn't deserve a release, or being comforted. But, by stopping herself, she just made her heart beat even faster.

"I'm truly sorry, I… I don't know where to start."

"Can I tell you my theory?" He was trying to make it easier on her. It broke her heart.

"Yeah… I'm really intrigued."

"Like, if it is what I think it is, I don't know why you would be so upset about telling me, but who knows?" He looked at her, curious. "You cannot laugh, you need to promise me." She nodded. "OK… I think… you've become a lesbian and are finally giving your romantic relationship with Paris a shot." She laughed. He was really trying to make it easier for her, and he was succeeding. "Hey, don't laugh! Have you seen you too? You are like the Odd Couple. If it's not that, I can't understand why you've stayed friends for so long."

She totally forgot the reason for the conversation. "So, you wouldn't mind if I became a lesbian?"

She had hit a sore spot. His face went blank again. "OK, I was trying to break the tension with my theory, but that doesn't mean that I'll let you put the focus on me now. We can talk about me some other time."

He wasn't angry but he was dead serious. The nervousness came back. "OK. I'm pregnant."

She saw shock in his face, but he didn't go back to his blank stare, he just looked confused. "And… why would that be bad? Why would it be so hard to tell me? You really scared me there. Is the baby OK? Are you… happy about it?"

She didn't know what to make of his reaction, but she decided that, if she was to do things right, she would need to be sincere regardless of what she believed he thought. "Don't worry, the baby is fine. It's supposed to be the size of a passion fruit now. I don't even know what size that is, like, I don't think I've ever eaten an apple in my life. And… I'm really scared. I actually haven't been happy about it… yet. Which is weird, because I've decided to have it, I just couldn't not to, but the happiness hasn't kicked in. I… I needed to figure out too much stuff and without doing that, I don't think I'll be able to be happy for a while."

He bumped her affectionately. "Congrats, Gilmore. You're going to be a mom. I know you'll be a terrific one."

"I really don't want to cry, but did you know that you've been the only person that has said that to me?" She repressed a sob.

"Hey, I imagine everyone around you is concerned for the same practical reasons as you are, so perhaps they haven't had the chance to see it as something good for the world. I'm just more… detached of the situation. I still don't see why it would be a problem to tell me."

She looked at him and saw him nervous, there were many hidden questions behind his statement. Was that really happening? Was he asking her what was going on with… _them_?

"I… Can you let me explain some other things before going back to that? And can you not say anything until I'm finished? I let you make it easier for me earlier but I don't want you to do it anymore, I don't deserve it and I feel really guilty about it."

"Ror…"

"Please. Just this once. It's going to be uncomfortable, so if you agree you will need to accept that."

She saw the look of apprehension on his face and doubted if she could go till the end, but he nodded, so she didn't have time to think about it anymore. She exhaled. "I don't like the person I've been these past years. Do you know how I found out I didn't like it? It was the book, really. You pointed the single thing that made sense to me in a really long time. And it's something good, something amazing. And nothing had been, for a really long time. And I realized how I had pretended so. I wanted to believe I was in control but I wasn't and I knew, but just kept on pretending." She stopped. She needed to regain strength for going on. "I've… done things I'm not proud of. Right now you probably think you don't want to hear them but I need to tell you about them because I… OK, I'll leave that for later, I swear I'll tell you why, but I need to do this horrible thing first. The baby is Logan's, _blonde dick at Yale_ to you. We were cheating on our couples with each other for some years. I decided to quit after I started writing the book but this…" her hands hovered over her belly "…happened, and I think that, if it wasn't for the baby, I wouldn't have had this rude awakening. The book would have made me happy but perhaps I would have messed up sooner or later again, thinking that there were no consequences to my acts. But at least I know that I need to do everything right from now on so I don't become the source of my own unhappiness again. I couldn't stand it. And I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings by my selfishness in the process anymore. Especially those of the ones I care most. I need to become the mother the baby needs." She looked at him and he nodded, understanding. She nodded back and continued. "You know I cheated on Dean with you, what you don't know is that I slept with him soon after you visited me at Yale. He was married. I broke his marriage. I don't think it was going well anyway but I still did. I've made a reckless dent in my trust fund and grandad's inheritance." A single tear fell when she thought about her grandad. "I somehow think he would hate me now for being pregnant and having decided to raise the kid on my own, which I'm going to do, in case you were wondering. But it doesn't matter anymore. I failed to see over the years that I shouldn't have been thinking about the opinions of others when figuring out my life. It was a flawed way of assessing. For my grandparents I was fine as long as I was not dating someone below their status. For Logan I was fine as long as I behaved like a rich heiress. My mom… she has been good. She really calls me on my bullshit. But she stopped doing so after a while. I guess she was worried about losing me as she had done before. Isn't that a horrible thing? That my mom, who's done everything for me, would be worried about losing me for calling my bull? I must really be a horrible person. But even if I look up to her, she has also misconceived things in the past, like she never saw any good in you." She lowered her head. She couldn't look at him for the last part. "I have the feeling that, for you, I'm fine as long as I'm happy and being fair to others. Nothing more. And those are the only standards I will set for myself from now on. And I need to thank you. I haven't done so and that just shows you how selfish I've been." She forced herself to look up. Jess looked like a ghost. "Thank you. For pointing the book to me. And for yelling me about dropping Yale and being angry at my mom. And I'm sorry for what happened in Philadelphia. As much as I've fucked up everything else over the years, I could somehow be fine if I hadn't done that. But I did, and it's only fair that you know that I'm sorry. Well, and for everything else I've told you so far, which is a lot."

She stopped and let him gather his thoughts, if it was even possible. He scratched his head and looked at the pond. "You didn't say why it was so hard to tell me about the pregnancy."

She hesitated. "No, actually."

"Why?"

"Because I don't think that you would need to hear anything else if you hated me for what I just told you."

"But, even if I did, wouldn't it be nice to finish what you have started? You've made it this far."

"OK, I'll tell you: it's just that I didn't want you to think badly about me. I couldn't stand it."

He seemed confused. He was not buying it. "That makes no sense, Ror. There's still another reason behind that."

She was shaking. "I… can't."

"But why?"

"Because… It's not fair."

"You cannot be the judge of everything, Ror. If there's anything that concerns me, I need to know."

She started crying. She had promised herself she wouldn't do that to him. She stood up. He looked up from where he was sitting. He suddenly looked tired and sad. "I… won't be that person anymore, Jess. Not with you. I could never forgive myself. I know you are happy now, and I don't want to mess that. I wish you all the happiness in the world, from the bottom of my heart."

She turned and walked away quickly, hoping that she had done the right thing, but unsure about it. Was Luke right? Did Jess deserve to know, regardless? She heard leaves crushing behind her and his hand on her shoulder. She turned.

"Ror, if that's the only reason why you wouldn't tell me, let me clear it out. I broke up with her."

Her stomach turned. She felt dizzy. "Why? I heard Luke telling my mom a while ago that you were very happy… with her."

"That doesn't matter now. I told you I wouldn't let you put the focus on me yet. Now you know. So tell me – why?"

"I can't. I'm really scared."

"Believe me, I know the feeling. But you'll be forever scared of what's behind the door if you don't open it."

"Did you know? Before you did?"

"As well as you do."

She took a deep breath. "OK. I didn't want to tell you because I was scared that, when I did, I would forever ruin the possibility of us."

She exhaled and looked at Jess. He smiled a very small smile. "And how do you think that would work? Us, I mean."

"I don't know."

He smirked. "I thought you had it all figured out now."

She looked away, shyly. "Well… not all. I didn't want to think about this."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't want to get my hopes high."

"What do you want, Ror?"

"Well you certainly are not trying to make it easier on me now!"

He laughed. She had cracked and he laughed about it. He seemed almost… happy. "Go on, give it a shot, Gilmore. The sky's the limit."

"Please… don't be cruel. I know I haven't been the best, but… you haven't even told me if you hate me and if you do, it really is going to crush me." She lowered her head, embarrassed, but then felt Jess hand close on top of hers.

"I'm sorry. You are right."

She looked up. He was smiling at her, and she recognized the soft look from her fantasies. His hand was shaking a little bit. What was she saying? Was she saying that she wanted to start a relationship with him while being pregnant? Did that equal that she wanted Jess to be the dad? She hadn't allowed herself to think about the possibility of them because she thought it was lost forever, and now it was in front of her, holding her hand. Would he still want to give it another go? She realized that the figuring out was not finished, not by a long shot, but what was sure was that he would need time to process everything before even considering those questions himself. After all, she had confessed some horrible stuff and was pregnant. She wanted to kiss him wildly, but she controlled herself.

"Why don't you… think about everything I've told you and… I'll come up with an answer to your question and then we can… brainstorm together? Believe me, no one else knows better than me how unsuitable I am to be asking anyone out." That had totally slipped her mind.

"Are you asking me out, Ror?"

She felt like running away but quickly decided against it. She decided to be brave instead. "That would be the first part of my answer, for sure. But I can come up with much better things… if the sky is the limit." She blushed but didn't turn her face to hide it.

"OK, Ror. I think it's a sensible plan." He let her hand go, and the separation physically hurt her. "Thanks for telling me. I know better than anyone how hard that was, and I really respect what you did. It is a lot to take in at the moment but I will think about it as quickly as I can. And my first sentiment still stands."

"Which one?" She was confused.

He leaned, and after kissing her on the cheek, he whispered, "Congrats".


	16. Doubts

**Doubts**

Conflicting feelings came in waves. Rory wanted to go out with him, and that made him happy. But Rory was pregnant with Logan's baby, and that was a dramatic and complicated twist. Rory had done a brave thing acknowledging her mistakes, and he was proud of her for that. But she had made those mistakes, regardless, and some of them concerned him genuinely. It was true that he had made mistakes in the past. But when did isolated mistakes become character traits, forever ingrained into someone's personality? Was Rory a serial cheater? He didn't know.

He had always known there was an element of delusion in love. He had loved Rory as nobody else – had he mistaken the feeling with the object of affection? Who was Rory, really? Perhaps he was just better than the rest at seeing her better side, and worse than everyone else when assessing her mistakes. That worried him. He hadn't been by her side when she slept with Dean. Did she actually lose virginity with him? That made him shudder. He hadn't been there when she cheated on poor P., whoever he was, or when she pretended to be a rich heiress. Would he have loved that Rory as well? He wasn't so sure. He would have probably despised her. But she had also acknowledged her mistakes, and in the end, wasn't real love about accepting people as they truly were?

Did he, though? Did he love Rory? Was that the way to tackle the whole situation? Should one really do anything to be with the person they loved? Perhaps not, perhaps one should do whatever was rationally better for oneself. But, could he be happy, moving forward, without giving their feelings a chance? Could he try to go back to Martina and leave things as they were with Rory, forever to wonder what could have happened? What was the choice he would be most comfortable living with for the rest of his life?

The main question was an entirely different one, though. The whole thing was not about of love anymore, or about wanting to be with each other, or about working out all their history, but about something much more complicated – which didn't make the rest of the questions any less hard. He understood perfectly well which question he needed to answer first, and it was if he would be eventually be willing to be the father to Logan's kid. As simple and life-changing as that. After that, he could tackle the rest.

Surprisingly, that question was really easy to answer. Yes, he wouldn't mind. He felt Luke was almost like his father. Rory did, too. How could he deny a kid of a parent on the grounds of genetics? He had been a fatherless child, and couldn't have cared less if his father figure hadn't shot the sperm. Of course it hurt – it hurt like hell. Of course he would like it to be otherwise. But, ultimately, he didn't mind. He _shouldn't_ mind. He would have not respected himself if he did. He had never seriously considered becoming a parent because he had always wanted to find a life partner first. He did want to become a dad, eventually, and had sometimes thought that, when the moment arrived, adoption would be the way to go – there were too many abandoned kids in need of a parent to be sorry for not fathering a brand new one. The current scenario was perhaps not so different. But figuring out the life partner part was crucial, and he really needed to nail it. Did he want Rory to be the mother of his children? That was a much more serious question, and one he didn't have the answer for. He didn't have any of the answers.

And then, there was a question of strength. Could he stay away from Rory now that he knew she wanted him? Could he stand being in a room alone with her and not kiss her? Could he just walk away because everything was too complicated? He didn't think himself so strong. He settled for letting Rory do the thinking for a bit longer, as she seemed to had gotten better at that. He got his jacket and run up to Lorelai's house early. Rory opened the door still in her pajamas.

"Oh, hi…"

She was really cute with her hair all tousled and her quirky pink and yellow duck print pajamas. He needed to stay focused. She self-consciously felt the top of her head, where her hair was most messy.

"Are you laughing at my PJs?"

"I'm not laughing, I like them."

"I feel like I've been drained of social etiquette in regards to you. Is _do you want to come in_ acceptable? I really don't know where we're standing."

"I wanted to talk to you really quick. I didn't want to wait because this is so fucking complicated that I think the longer we think alone the craziest everything gets. Still, if you would prefer the privacy of the house," he pointed at Babette's, "that's fine."

"Mmmm… OK, come in."

He followed her to the kitchen. She sat down at the table and he chose the furthest chair, opposite her. "In the spirit of full disclosure, I will warn you though that I'm staying far away from you."

"Why?" She seemed concerned.

"Because we still haven't figured out anything but I _really_ like those pajamas on you." He saw her blushing furiously. He really liked that too. "I don't want to make it harder on myself. There are things that we need to talk about and I need to keep restraint. It's going to get really complicated otherwise."

"So, tell me."

"Can you see a way out, Ror? Because I can't, for the life of me."

She hesitated. "Do you… want to see a way out?"

"I don't know. There are too many things going on at the same time. I always thought things should be easier."

"Yeah, I know…"

They looked at each other intently. He wanted to jump the table and rip her pajamas off. And they had only been together for two minutes. He was a muddle. "So, what do we do now, Ror?"

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yeah. Like, I don't have the answers to all the big questions, but I know some things. I know I don't want to die without having kissed you again. I know I want to know everything about you, for real this time. I know I want you to know me, too. I know I want to know how it feels having you inside me. I know all of that."

It was like a punch on his stomach. He knew those things, too. He sighed, burying his face in his hands. "I want to run right now so this doesn't become the biggest disaster ever. For either of us. But… I can't."

"I'm ready, Jess. To figure everything out."

He raised his head. "Like, now?"

"Yeah, but let's not do it now." She looked at her attire, embarrassed. "But let's, as soon as possible, please. I really need to."

"Why?"

"I understand your doubts, believe me, they're mine, too. I stayed up all night thinking about everything. But I want to work them out. With you. I want to do it together so we can at least try to make a decision that doesn't make the other person unhappy."

He was surprised at how clear she had everything already. "OK."

"Do you want to have dinner with me tonight? I'm inviting. Paying. So it will be casual."

He thought about declining. He seriously considered running away. But he couldn't. "OK. I'll pick you up at 7?"

"Great."

He went to the door, Rory following him close. He stopped. He had to voice his doubts. "I have to say it, Ror."

He turned. They were very close. Rory was standing uncomfortably and, when she saw him looking at her, she crossed her arms in front of her chest – as if he hadn't noticed already she wasn't wearing a bra.

"Shoot."

"I cannot see how this could work. It's like… there are so many things against it. I would first need to know that your mistakes are not who you are. You said some very worrying things yesterday and I'm not naive, I think you still need to tell me some more about why you want this to happen, and it needs to click for me. And there's stuff I need to tell you too, about how I fucked up in the past. I also need to apologize for many things. With everything that you've decided, about the pregnancy and raising the kid alone, why do you even want to try this? I think you're in the right path. From what you've told me, I really think you should do this alone. And I know it's crazy for me to say all of this so soon, but you are not in an easy situation, Ror. There's not room for messing up."

She nodded firmly, and it reassured him. "I promise I will tell you about it later. I have thought about it." He thought he would at least hear her out. "Oh, one other thing. Are you… going back to New York soon?"

He honestly didn't want to, but he didn't want to crash in his mom's couch, and he had checked out of the Dragonfly already. "Like, I don't have to until the New Year, there's no way my writers would want to meet with me in the holiday season, with all those opportunities to drink and revel in family dramas. I thought I would see what we talked about and decide next."

"I was thinking that I could go now and get my stuff from Luke's apartment so you could stay there and I'll stay here." He didn't want to disturb her, but she must have guessed his thoughts because she resumed quickly. "I mean, I was going to, anyway, since Luke and mom went to Nantucket with my grandmother."

"I really appreciate it. Have you heard TJ going on about Crocs?"

"No need to thank me, you have more right to it than I do. And he not only told me, he gave me a pair as Christmas present."

"Jeez, me too. Red ones. I'm telling you, those things are to attraction what garlic is to vampires." They stood awkwardly in front of the door. He didn't know what to do. Rory fidgeted with her top with her arms still crossed over her chest, avoiding his stare. "Ror?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't… hate you." Her eyes remained fixed on the ground. He didn't push her to look up. It was also easier for him that way. "Like, do you hate me? For not graduating? For not taking you to prom? For being the worst boyfriend ever? For having left? Because those are things that have haunted me for a long time."

She looked up, perplexed. "I don't hate you. At all."

"You know, I didn't have the guts, back in the day, to do with you what you did with me yesterday. So… I really admire you. And… I know you've messed up and that you will need to work on that, but… please, don't be so hard on yourself from now on. After all, you are trying to do things right and have realized what you've done with amazing clarity. Some people never even get there. Own it. And the rest I promise we can talk about… without hard feelings."

He wondered if she had looked at things that way, because she seemed shocked. But even after all of her confessions, after all the big questions and doubts, he still believed that he was the one to blame for not being together anymore, so he didn't have the right to be angry at Rory for fucking up. He kissed her quickly on the cheek and left.


	17. A Real Date

**A Real Date**

Jess showed up at her house at 7:10. She imagined he was giving her extra time to get ready, and she had really needed it in the end, so she appreciated his pretend lateness. They kissed awkwardly on the cheek at the door and then Jess made her a gesture to follow him to the car. They got in.

"Is it actually a car thing? I didn't even think about it."

She nodded. She was really nervous. "Well… we're going to this Italian restaurant in Hartford. It's more _Godfather_ -y than fancy but it's really good, and they have this private table that I thought would be good for… well, talking. It seems like a place the mafia would close deals in. At first I thought about staying at home because we have serious stuff to go through, but then decided against it."

"We can stay home if you like, it's fine for me. I just want to talk."

"Yeah, well… I don't. I mean, the house seemed too… dangerous."

He nodded, understanding, and started the car. "To Hartford it is, then." He turned on the heater but Rory just took off her scarf. She wanted the big reveal to be in the restaurant. "How does this work, Ror? Is the car like safe ground and we avoid serious stuff here? Since I can't really see your face and all."

She was relieved that he at least looked as nervous as she was. "Yeah, that works." They drove quietly for a while. She imagined he was looking for light subjects to talk about as she was, finding none. She finally broke the silence. "So… wintery weather, huh?"

He laughed. "Jeez, I know. I was dying there trying to come up with something that didn't seem like a minefield. Like, I really wanted to ask about how you are doing with the book but then realized that you haven't said anything about it and decided against it."

"Good call, because it falls in the serious category. But I will talk about it soon. I was planning on it."

"Great, because I really want to hear about it."

"You know what? Your topic works, actually. Jess, are you writing anything these days?"

He smiled. "As a matter of fact, I am. I have been for the last umpteen years. Since _The Subsect_ , really."

"But you published a short story collection. And I saw they published one of the stories in The New Yorker. I have the number at home. I loved them all. Particularly _Going Home_."

"I didn't know you had read it."

"I've been regularly googling you these years. I wanted to read more of your stuff."

He smiled. "I feel flattered. I don't think I deserve it."

"You sure do, so don't fish for compliments. So, how is the novel going? You've been at it… what, ten years? That's a lot."

"I know. I guess it's the second novel syndrome or something. It's getting there, though."

"Can I read anything?"

"You could, yeah, soon… Yes, I think I would like you to be a beta reader. Would you be up for that? Would it be weird?"

"Are you serious? I'd love to! I feel like it's my true calling."

"You do? I know I'm getting into muddy waters here, but I had the impression that you were not so into literature anymore. Like, I don't see you carrying books or totally absorbed reading in a corner these days. But when I suggested about the book and you seemed so happy… I don't know. Perhaps I am wrong."

He had noticed. "You're really observant, Mariano. You know, nobody had pointed that out. Not even mom. But you're right. It's one of the things I had lost… along the way. I just realized myself not so long ago. There's a bit of burnout involved as well, like I read so much in Yale and preparing to get in, that it became a sort of obligation, and I hated that books had become that. But not anymore. I miss them."

"To be honest, I get that myself. I've gone full months without reading anything. Except writers' manuscripts, I mean."

"I'm doing a Comparative Literature masters. I'm starting next month."

"Really? That's awesome. Where?"

"In Columbia."

Jess was quiet for a while. "So you'll be in the Big Apple a lot?"

"Yeah."

"That's good." He briefly looked at her and smiled. "So, why?"

"Remember the job at Chilton I was offered? I don't think it's such a bad plan, after all. For a family life, I mean. And I believe I would enjoy myself. So yeah, that's why."

"It sounds like a great plan to me. I mean, you'll be working school hours and the baby will eventually attend school, so… Unless, of course, you decide to raise your kid _The Wolfpack_ style."

She laughed. "Nah, I think I'll stick to the old, boring schooling system." She remembered a previous car ride with Jess and couldn't help but ask. "Do you think I'll manage? Like, with the kid and the masters and book? I know it's a lot."

"Is this like that Christiane Amanpour thing?" She was happy that he remembered. "Don't worry about it, Ror. You'll be fine. And hey, what if it takes you a bit longer to finish? It's not a timed race." She smiled. "Have you considered telling Chilton about it? Perhaps you can do part-time until you get your masters or something, I'm sure they have people going on leave or sabbaticals all the time."

"Yeah, I'm planning on going there when the holidays are over. We'll see."

They were quiet until they reached Hartford, but it was not so uncomfortable anymore.

* * *

They parked a bit far from the restaurant and walked in silence. When they went in a cheerful Italian old woman brought them to a private room. The restaurant looked stuck in the seventies, and the walls were covered up with black and white pictures of seemingly dodgy people eating there.

"This is awesome, Ror. Totally _Godfather I_."

She smiled and took off her coat. She had selected a slinky navy blue wrap dress that she hadn't worn since she found out she was pregnant. She still didn't show much, but she did in that dress. She chose it to make it easier on him to decide if it was going to be a problem. She saw him staring.

"You can tell."

"I know… I thought I would let you see so you could decide if it was a problem. Visually or otherwise."

"You look amazing." He looked at her with hunger.

"Thanks… you too."

He did. Under his coat he was wearing a casual grey shirt that really complimented his body. The jeans fit him as good as always. They sat down face to face. Jess made a gesture to speak but the waiter came in ordering drinks, so he stopped himself.

"I'll have a virgin Bloody Mary."

"Me too. And some water."

The waiter left the menus and left.

"You don't have to, I mean, I don't mind if you drink."

"Well, I'm going to drink – a virgin Bloody Mary. It wouldn't be fair that I took the edge off and you couldn't."

She smiled and nodded, quickly changing subject. "Well, I recommend their home lasagna, it's not the typical, it's filled with _radicchio_ and _gorgonzola_ and nuts, it's lovely. And the pesto _gnocchi_ and the _amatriciana_ pasta are good too." The waiter came in with the drinks. "Can you give us ten minutes? We're not ready to order yet."

"You sure are bossy, Gilmore." He was smiling at her, but she could see he was nervous.

"I… want to get some things out of the way first. I want to tell you what I would like to happen between us. And then I will tell you whatever you need to know and hopefully I will be able to ask you stuff, too." He agreed and she inhaled deeply. "I want us to happen. I know it's not the best time to have arrived to this conclusion but it's the way it is, I cannot undo things. I know… things will get serious soon. Really soon. I've started to show. I'm like a ticking bomb. But I haven't exploded yet. I… share all your doubts. And then have bigger doubts on top of yours. The way I see it, we could go our separate ways knowing that there's something between us that we can't work out. But it's been fifteen years since our paths split up and I don't want to risk not finding you ever again, it would be a huge mistake on my side. I don't think I could live the rest of my life knowing that I had the chance and lost it forever. I don't even think it would be fair on the child, either, to make it the reason for my unhappiness. Especially when I think that, if I took that decision, it would be partly because I'm scared. And I wouldn't expect you to wait for the conditions to be perfect, so… Here's the deal I'm offering. I don't want you to think about the big baby questions yet. They entail finding other stuff about us together first. We don't really know each other anymore. So, let's give us a month. We'll date. And during this month I promise I will answer the big Rory and Jess questions you have. And if, by the end of the month, any of us still thinks trying to figure everything out is not a good idea, we let it go, no hard feelings. I have plan B already mapped out. It's a plan I could live with for the rest of my life and be proud. But l won't close the door to this. At the moment it doesn't clash with any of the decisions I've taken about my life. And if we can't figure it out, I will let you go forever and be happy that we at least had a month together. I'll be fine as long as we are open about everything and you know that I wish you all the best."

She offered her hand for a shake. Jess looked at her hand with a puzzled look on his face. He seemed to be fighting a big war inside him. He finally took her hand softly, without shaking it, and kissed it very softly.

"OK, Ror. But the least I want to do is hurting you. If I ever think I'm about to, I'll disappear."

"You won't. I know you won't. But please, don't ever disappear again."

"But I've done it before. Hurting you." He looked sad.

"And I've hurt you too, and still you're here."

He lowered his head, her hand still on his. "OK. One month. To be honest, I don't think I have the strength to be away from you, especially now that I know you don't want me too."

She pressed his hand. "Me neither. I think… I would break myself trying. Or that I would be reckless. I want to do things right, this is too big. You are in my life anyway, I don't want us to just have sex some day because of this unbelievable tension and then be sorry about it. I want to face this. For some reason I have the feeling that you are a person who thinks outside the box. I know you're true to yourself. At least I want us get to know each other on that level – person to person. For real."

"Me too. I'd love that."

"You're like a soul friend to me, you know? One that I want badly."

"I want to kiss you, right now. And we haven't even figured out anything."

She stared at him. She wanted him to, as well. But it wasn't kissing, not really. Since he took her hand she felt they were not even talking anymore, just making love in any way they could, speaking low, looking into each other's eyes, hands touching. He softly rubbed his thumb on her palm. She closed her eyes automatically. It felt too good. It made her center pulse. It felt like sex. Holding hands suddenly was the most unchaste thing she had ever done. If he carried on she was sure she could reach her release, just with his soft touch. He kept caressing her and she gasped.

"Ror… look at me."

She did. His face was shaken with desire, his mouth slightly open – he was also panting. He put his free hand on the table and placed hers on top, palm up, using his freed fingers to caress her skin from top to bottom. Rory looked how he did it, mesmerized. He changed direction and lightly stroked the fold between her fingers. She moaned. He grabbed her hand, kissed the middle of her palm and placed it on his cheek. She stroked it. He felt warm to her touch. He closed his eyes.

"This is very unhealthy, Ror."

"Jess…"

The waiter came in and they broke contact. She felt as if she had been caught up naked.

"Ready to order?"

Rory was flushed. "I… Yeah, I'll have the lasagna. And we'll share the _bruschetta_."

"The pesto _gnocchi_ for me. And a salad."

The waiter left and Rory noticed Jess' smirk.

"I imagined you would like to split." He gave her a small smile. "How about we avoid contact tonight? For a second there I thought I would kill the poor man for interrupting."

It was the last thing she wanted, but she agreed with a nod. "I have an idea about that."

"I'm intrigued."

She must be crazy. She had never ever said anything similar out loud. "It might help at keeping each other at bay. It's just… I've thought about us being together for the first time. A lot. And I have this idea of how I would like it to be…"

"Are you talking kinky stuff, Gilmore?"

She threw her napkin at him. "Very funny." He was enjoying himself, but she was not really angry because he looked really interested. "No, it's just… since I'm pregnant and all, I thought it would be nice for our first time to… do it bare. You know… without a condom."

"I know what bare it means."

She was really embarrassed, but she went on. "So, I've been checked already since I'm pregnant and I haven't been with anybody else… and was… huh… wondering if you wouldn't mind doing the same so we can, you know, do it like that. If we do."

"Have you seriously been thinking about that?"

"Well… yeah. I'd really like to."

He was melting her with his stare. His voice came out low and hoarse. "Fuck, Rory, stop it. Do you know if they do speed checks 24 hours in Hartford? Because that's the hottest thing I've ever been told and I want to throw this table out of the way."

She couldn't stand looking at him. "Don't joke."

"I'm dying with desire here, Rory, but I'm not laughing. I'll force a doctor at gunpoint right now if necessary."

"Good, so… we'll wait so we can do it like that?"

"I'll try, but, honestly? With such build-up, I wouldn't get my hopes high on how much I will last that first time." She laughed and looked at him, but she could tell he was concerned. "I mean it, Ror. I think we should allow, I don't know… like a day for ourselves, or something, so I can be really shitty the first time and then have time to recover until I get used to you or something. This whole thing is putting a huge strain on my masculinity."

"I'd really like that. A day in bed with you. And I wouldn't mind if you didn't last. I know _I_ won't. I honestly just want you inside me, I don't care about the rest. I nearly came just there, anyway. At least we know caressing works." She smiled to him.

"You're not making the whole waiting thing easy."

"Right back at you, Mariano."

The waiter brought their food and they ate quietly. They stared at each other constantly. Jess swapped plates when he saw she was half-way done with her lasagna, even if he still had more than half his plate, but never offered her the salad. She noticed and knew she would have refused. She left the last piece of bruschetta, even if she really wanted it, and he only took it at the end, with a smile. The waiter came back and she ordered two _tiramisùs_ because there was no way in hell she was sharing dessert. She went at it with delight.

"So… we can't touch each other, we have avoided conversation during the whole date… I'd say we're pretty unsuited for each other, Gilmore."

She looked up, surprised, but saw Jess with his signature lopsided smirk. She followed the game. "Well… I guess we tried, right?"

"Right, right. I was thinking, though, that I would still like to try a kiss. Just to make sure."

Her heart skipped a beat. "I don't know… wouldn't that be dangerous?"

"At first I thought so, as well. But the more I think about it, the more I believe that perhaps we're getting all worked up for nothing. I mean… perhaps we kiss and we realize that we don't work. It would save us a lot of headaches, don't you think?"

"And how will we be able to stop, Jess?" She wasn't bantering anymore.

"Well, with your wish earlier you've made waiting sound like a reward, so there's that. And I'd still like to talk a bit more before going the whole way, so I think we should be good. Don't fool yourself. You know we were going to be all over each other the minute we stepped out that door."

She had to agree. "OK. So… is that when it's happening? As soon as we leave?"

"It could be. I think the situation will present itself clearly."

"I'm fucking nervous."

He laughed. "If it's any relief, so am I. Come on, let's get out."

They took their coats and paid at the bar. They went outside and both stopped as soon as they were out the door, looking at each other. Jess smiled and grabbed her hand slowly. "Let's walk for a while."

He took the long way to the car, across Bushnell Park. His hand was strong holding hers but his touch wasn't so hard to bear anymore as she was wearing gloves. She stroked his bare hand, thinking that he was probably cold. He looked at her when she did. She smiled.

"You know what?" He shook his head. "Nobody has ever kissed me like you did."

Jess stopped dead in his tracks, turned and grabbed her by the waist, pulling her close. But he didn't kiss her yet, he just placed a warm hand, the one that had been in his pocket, on her cheek, and stroked it softly, looking into her eyes. She mirrored his position, grabbing his waist with one hand and his hair with the other, and once they were perfectly connected, he approached her face very slowly and kissed her.

At first it was slow, just a bare caress of their lips getting reacquainted with each other. But Jess let out a ragged breath and Rory reacted licking his upper lip, and soon both deepened their kiss. The way his tongue felt on her mouth was driving her crazy, and their hold suddenly felt too soft, so she pulled Jess in at the waist. He quickly understood what she needed so he drew her even closer at the waist with both hands while pushing his hips against hers. She moaned and grabbed a fistful of his hair, deepening the kiss. She suddenly hated the coats and clothes that stood between them, and Jess must have felt the same, because he introduced both hands under her coat and clutched her waist. She sighed and kissed him harder. He slowly moved a hand up her waist, feeling her over the dress, and grabbed her on the side, right under her breast, his thumb barely brushing it. He moved the other hand flat around her hip and drew her closer with a slow hip thrust, and she was able to feel him hard against her. She whimpered and he let out a low groan. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers, but didn't move an inch of his body, that was touching hers in every place possible.

"We should stop."

"You stop," she teased.

He looked her in the eyes with an impish smile. "Careful." He caught her mouth and kissed her passionately but briefly, finally pulling away. He gave her a huge grin and she returned a coy smile. "Yeah, it still works."

He grabbed her hand and guided her to the car, and she was grateful that he had had the presence of mind to stop because she was so aroused she was disoriented. They got in the car and Jess exhaled before putting the keys in the contact, but didn't start the car.

"Ror, come here." He caressed her face and drew her in gently, and then gave her a soft wet kiss.

She stroke the back of his neck. "Are we good to move on?"

"I guess… we could try next stage."

He drove her home, placing his hand on her thigh whenever he had the chance.


	18. On Friendship

**On Friendship**

Was he mad to be giving it a go? He tried to judge himself as a bystander, imagining what he would say to a friend in his situation – and he didn't like being on the receiving end of that particular piece of advice. What were they doing? Were they just settling for a passionate month together if things didn't work out? He agreed with Rory in some aspects, though, as illogical as it all seemed. A month was not so bad. They could learn something about each other in the way. He thought he could actually live with that. Yeah, at least he would have tried. And then, some of the things Rory said stroke a chord with him, a really meaningful one. They were, in a way, still characters in their own novel. They wanted to know each other at a deeper level, regardless of how bad the situation seemed. They had known the worst side of each other, and still they were there, wanting to learn more, to feel more, to become better. She called him a soul friend. He loved that. He _felt_ that. Was that what their real connection was, and why it had endured the test of time? He also saw their relationship as a soul one, regardless of where life would take them - probably where they would need to go, even if not together. He didn't have a problem settling for something like that. It occurred to him that perhaps it was the only true way to tackle relationships. But he still wasn't ready to go separate ways with Rory – he wanted to live more things, to get to know Rory better, to enjoy whatever precious time they still had together. He rang her early in the morning.

"Hey."

"Hi." She seemed shy.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, actually. Better than in months."

"Did you think about me?"

She laughed on the other side. "Yeah. It worked really well."

" _It_ did? You mean _me_? So what, I used to not work well before?" he regretted having that conversation on the phone, he wanted to see her. "Wait, don't tell me. Would you tell me to my face?"

"I… could try. Later?"

"I actually need to be in the city today. A writer had a sudden inspiration and wants to share something. And I need to do some other stuff. But, are you working tomorrow?"

"No, today."

"OK, so what do you think about coming to Brooklyn?"

She was slow in replying. "For how long?"

"When do you need to be back?"

"Uhm… Friday evening. I'm opening the diner on Saturday and working there until Luke and my mom arrive. And then… it's New Year's Eve"

"Good, then. Pack your bags."

"Wait! I haven't agreed yet. How will that work? Am I staying with you?"

"Sure."

"Are you mad? Have you been castrated?"

He laughed. "I'll be there around noon tomorrow. If you don't want to go, that's fine, but I think you owe me a road trip, even if it's a short one."

"Somehow I feel your road trips are one-way tickets to your bed."

"Ouch! But yeah. We'll talk later?"

* * *

She rang him when she closed the diner. They had texted during the day, talking about light stuff. Jess' writer, who had previously published a decent realistic novel, had appeared with a 500 pages long manuscript for a fantasy novel, hailing it as the next _Game of Thrones_. Kirk had gone to the bookstore to return his present for Lulu, which had really upset Rory - it was the _Kamasutra for Dummies_.

"I need to know everything about that book. Like, have they removed all the cool stuff and just left the plain stuff everyone already does, like the missionary?"

She giggled. "Yeah, that and woman-on-top! And then I not only had to picture Kirk with Lulu, but I had to pity him for his poor knowledge. I feel really weird now. Is it bad that I pity him? I tried to recommend something else but he wouldn't hear anything about it."

"You must really care for him."

She doubted. "Yeah, I actually do. The world would be a much simpler place without him. It would be like losing quantum mechanics."

He smiled. He remembered how she had taken care of Kirk the day before Lorelai and Luke's wedding. He liked that Rory. "I'm glad he returned the book, though. Can I get it?"

"I… don't think so. I mean, Andrew would know I got it. And then I have a hunch that you don't need it."

"But, how can you know? I mean, knowledge never hurt anyone! I might have been carrying myself wrong all these years. I might need it."

She snorted. "So, tell me about that fantasy novel. Have you managed to read anything yet?"

"Yeah, I did, he seemed so proud of it. I was ready to hate it, but the first chapter was not half bad. But the names, Ror… Ugh. We need to have a serious conversation about them."

"Are they bad?"

"They are beyond bad. _Antanaranella_. _Hildemunth_. And then fucking Jake! How in the world can Jake be in love with a _Hildemunth_? The things I need to edit sometimes amaze me."

"Yeah? Do you get like really good stuff that has blatant mistakes sometimes?"

"Nah, not really. If it's good the writer has usually a certain control over everything. It's mostly stuff that is hard to understand, or points that don't come across as the writer would want to. And then really long arguments about changing that stuff. But usually if the writer is good the standards are up to a minimum. This guy though… I think he's doing drugs or something."

"So… what are you doing now?"

"I'm talking to you. What are _you_ doing?"

"Ha ha, very funny. I just wanted to picture you on the other side of the line."

"I'm sitting on the couch. But we don't need to do this, you know? Like you could actually see me here tomorrow."

"Yeah… I'll really like that."

"So, is that a yes?"

"I think so."

"Great. I'm looking forward to it."

"Me too."

"Are you nervous? I know I am."

She hesitated. "Yeah."

"Are you excited, though?"

"Are you, Jess?"

"I'm not embarrassed for answering that one first – I am. I had always wanted to spend more time with you. I'm really looking forward to the drive, for example. We could stop for ice cream on a cone. And I'll convince you that you are the one making the music selection when, in the end, I'll skip everything until I get to the stuff I like." She laughed. "So?"

"So, what?"

"Aren't you excited, Ror? Come on, give me something to work with!"

"Yes, Jess, I'm very excited. I haven't been this excited… ever. And scared. But definitely excited."

"What are you scared of?"

She was quiet on the other side. "You know."

"Maybe I don't. Perhaps you'll be less scared if you say it out loud."

"I'm not sure about that."

He didn't want to push her, and surprisingly, he felt comfortable talking to her, so he decided he would do the talking. "You know what? I've been thinking a lot about some of the things you said yesterday. You called me your soul friend. Did you really mean it?"

He imagined her blushing on the other side. "Of course."

"I consider you my soul friend, too, Ror. Like, I always did, but I guess I never thought back in the day that we would need to talk about it to _be it_ , you know? But I think I was an idiot. I like talking to you. I like telling you stuff and you telling me, even if it's not easy. So what I mean is that you can tell me or you can't, whatever you feel like, and I'll respect either choice, but if you do – I'll definitely like it. I'm saying just so you know."

She exhaled. "I'm worried that we won't work… in bed."

"I know what you mean. It's been too long. I'm fucking scared, too. It doesn't seem real, in a way."

"I'm also worried about working too well, you know? It's all really overwhelming."

"Let's make a deal. No pressure. Let's just have fun, and if it turns out we're shit at it, we'll laugh about it together, which will also be fun. At least we'll still be friends. That's very important to me."

"OK. Let's do that."

"But then you can't go tell your friends how shitty I was, promise me. And especially not your mom."

She laughed. "OK. I promise."

"Done deal. So, I'll see you tomorrow at 12?"


	19. A Short Road Trip

**A Short Road Trip**

It took her the whole morning to get ready. She first showered and shaved carefully, going over the same spots repeatedly so as not to leave any patches. She didn't even know if they would be having sex yet, but she could imagine that the stuff Jess had to do the previous day had something to do with getting checked – she just hoped no doctors were harmed in his fervor. Since she had lost her underwear box she only had plain underwear, and reluctantly settled for a very simple black cotton combination. And then she fretted over clothes. She considered dresses and skirts, but finally decided on a plain cotton shirt and jeans - she didn't want to feel too formal. He arrived to her house at noon. She opened the door slowly and only half-way.

"Are you sure you want to come in?"

"Quick, Gilmore. There's prying eyes."

She let him in and stood puzzled. He smiled and grabbed her face with both hands, kissing her with force. She stood confused at first but gave in quickly, grabbing the hair at the base of his neck with both hands and kissing back with the same hunger. He lowered his hands, tracing her body, until he reached her hips and lifted her. She closed her legs around him and he pushed her against the wall, thrusting against her center. She moaned, and he rubbed against her harder, making her whimper.

"I love how you sound, I had never heard it. I want to hear more." He thrusted again and got the sound he was looking for. He nuzzled her neck and then looked at her.

"What has gotten into you?" She was bewildered.

He shrugged and smiled. "I'm just happy for the trip."

She looked in his face and liked what she found, so she grinned and petted his face tenderly. "You are special. Wild, but special."

He gave her a quick kiss on the mouth. "Then come to the wild side before I tear your mom's house down. Your doctor papers are in the car."

He put her down gently and went to her room to grab her bag. He got a water bottle and a couple bananas, throwing one at Rory. "You should eat some real food, Gilmore. I don't want you collapsing after all the kissing and talking we are going to do. You seem really wobbly after I kiss you."

She put her hair behind her ear and blushed, lowering her head.

"I'm sorry, am I going too fast?"

She shook her head. "No, it's funny… I always thought you would be like this, you know? In my fantasies. I could always tell you were restraining yourself. I wanted to know that part of you. Thanks for showing me." She gave him a shy smile.

"But…"

"But nothing. I'm scared, but I knew that already. I guess it's a side of the coin of wanting you so much."

He kissed her on the cheek. "If it's any consolation, it's the same for me with you. Are you sure you want to go?"

She nodded and grabbed her coat.

"Rory?" She turned. "I've… never been totally like this with anyone. So… you're right. I'm a bit wild. I'm not used to it. I'll try to be less wild."

"I've never been like this either and… you're exactly like I pictured you in my dreams. That's why you are you. I wouldn't want you to hold back."

* * *

They talked about music and books. Rory agreed to the banana in exchange of stocking up on Pringles. They stopped for burgers and ice cream on a cone. They bantered like in the old times. Rory enjoyed herself truly for the first time since she found out she was pregnant.

"So… how is it, Ror? Can we talk about it?"

"About what?"

"Being pregnant. How is it? I won't ever be pregnant. I'm curious."

She doubted about going that path, but she could see he was honestly curious. Was that what getting to know each other meant? She decided to give it a go. "It's… fucking weird. There's a baby growing inside me. Inside me! Can you imagine? I feel like that _Total Recall_ alien. At least I stopped puking."

"Thank god. I'm one of those people, you know. I puke empathically. So, can you feel it?"

She laughed. Jess seemed really interested and not at all weirded out. She didn't know if it was wise to be talking about it, but it felt right, so she just let it flow. "I did, yeah, a while back. It was very weird, not like moving, but like a flutter towards my womb but from the inside. I don't even think you could start to grasp what it means to feel something fluttering in your womb."

"OK, explain then."

"Why?"

"I don't know, I find it fascinating. I couldn't ask my mom when she was pregnant with Doula, she was all hippy about it, _everything is amazing_ and _angels come and kiss the baby out of you._ I was just assessing there if you were as deranged as she was, but your _Total Recall_ reference proved me that you still keep a grip on reality, so go on. I'm really enjoying this. Tell me everything."

She couldn't believe how he could be such a stud and so sweet at the same time. She really liked open Jess. She more than liked him. "OK, so… are you sure? Are you sure you're not weirded out by girl stuff?"

"What do you mean? Like periods and stuff?"

"Yeah."

"Like, I am, a bit, mainly because I feel at the same time bad for and jealous of the cards you've been dealt, but I won't faint. Like I wouldn't mind if I saw your blood or anything."

"What?" She was shocked. She had never ever met anyone like Jess, who wanted to know her every facet. She was fascinated by him. She wanted them to talk about everything and had a sudden glimpse of eternity, of sharing every single detail of life.

"I'm sorry! Is that weird? But I wouldn't! Like it's natural, I don't know."

"OK… You asked for it. So, yeah, wombs. That's…"

"I know what a womb is, Rory. It's the primordial place I strive to get to when pushing."

"Hey!"

He laughed. He seemed very relaxed. She realized she had never seen relaxed Jess. Even his shoulders were relaxed. He looked amazing. "OK, back to wombs. So, how was the flutter?"

"You see, the only times I had felt it was either being really clumsy putting a tampax, like it's very sensitive those days…"

"…Like breasts?"

"Yeah, I guess, and with some… hum, primordial pushing." She moved away from reminiscing about anyone else's primordial pushing as quickly as she could. "It's not pain, necessarily, or pleasure, either, it's just… tenderness. I don't know."

"So length really doesn't matter, then, since there's nothing to tickle there?" She laughed, but avoided making any comments. "Hey, don't be afraid! I'm well endowed, you won't have complaints there." He turned to look at her. She hated how he could make her blush at will.

"Dear girlfriend, I'm really freaked out. I don't know if you want to talk about girl stuff or get in my panties."

"Get in your panties, for sure. So, the fluttering was like a clumsy tampax but from the other side, right?"

"Yeah. But more like soft fingers, well… fluttering."

"Like mine?"

"Maybe… " He could be so cocky. She carried on, she didn't want to feed the beast. "So, anyway, I told the doctor and he told me there was no way I was feeling it yet. Then I asked Lane and she told me that she totally did early on and that her doctor had told her it was normal, so I'm changing doctors. I hate it when doctors dismiss your concerns as crazy stuff, and that was my fucking obstetrician! Like I'm going to get really crazy, he should have been more gracious about it. And I totally get what you say about hippy moms, I still haven't felt that _it's a beautiful miracle_ feeling. I have a hunch it's all a paternalistic ruse to make us submissive when pregnant to contain our crazy hormones."

"I wish I could carry it for you. Are you scared?"

"Brutally scared. But I try not to think about it. I hope the miraculous feeling will kick in at some stage, hopefully before it gets bloody, or shortly after."

"Did you consider… not having it? Forget I said that, it was rude for me to ask."

She actually didn't mind. She wanted to share everything with him. "No, it's fine. I… did. I always thought that if something like this happened, in this situation I mean, like not planned, I would. I even went to the clinic to get info. It's funny, I just… couldn't."

"Well, I imagine it's not something one does happily, and it's good that you had the choice to decide what was right for you. Not that I have a fucking clue in the matter. I'm just mansplaining things to myself here, not to you."

"Are you training for Doula's teenage years?"

"You know what? In a way, yeah. Like a feel responsible, especially since I cannot imagine TJ being very good about these things. I just don't want her to have no one to go if things go bad with her like… well, with me, back in the day." Rory burst out crying. "Ror, what's wrong?" There was an exit to a gas station and he took it. He pulled up the car and hugged her. "Hey, I'm here, did I say anything wrong?"

He was an idiot. He was a complete idiot. He was perfect and he still thought he had screwed up. "You? You are amazing, how could you think that?"

"Then why are you crying?"

"I'm so sorry! I'm sorry you had to go through everything alone and you had no one, and that everyone was so unsympathetic and even if you were a punk the adults around you were worse! They should have known better! They should have been there for you!"

She felt him wipe her tears and kiss her on the cheeks once, twice, and then kiss her mouth until she stopped crying. She didn't want him to hold her anymore, she wanted to hold _him_ , to tell _him_ that everything was going to be alright. She needed him to know that she was there for him. She took her belt off and climbed to straddle him awkwardly, and started kissing him hard. He seemed confused but grabbed her waist after a while. She wanted to grind against him, but there was no way to do it in the car seat. She settled for tracing his chest and arms with her hands.

"Ror, stop, you're driving me crazy, and we won't make it very far if we end up in the police station."

She slowly stopped and went back to her seat. "Sorry. Pregnant meltdown."

"I love your pregnant meltdowns, don't be sorry. Horny seems to be always in the equation, so it works for me. Here, have a cookie." She smiled. He was beyond good. He shifted on his seat uncomfortably. "I just need to calm down for a little bit before leaving." She leaned on the seat and smiled to him. "Don't put that Rory face or we'll be here till midnight. Hey, why don't you show me your infamous Rory stare? I still haven't seen it."


	20. Telling Rory

**Telling Rory**

Jess' apartment was ten blocks away from where she used to live. She wondered what life could have been like if she had met him there some day, if she could have stopped everything from turning out the way it did. But, in a way, she had a hunch it had not been so bad, after all.

The apartment was in the top floor of an old two-storey building. It had high ceilings and big windows, and it was remodeled as an open space, which made it feel bigger than it was. It kept some old industrial elements like metal beams, and was minimally decorated except for the wooden bookshelves all over. One of them served as a separating wall for the main bedroom.

"Wow. It's beautiful. I love it. It suits you."

Jess was glowing. She could tell he was proud of what he had achieved and she was proud for him. "I'm glad you like it. The lease it's not bad since I refurbished it and they agreed to a long term contract. I did most of the stuff myself with Luke's help – there was no way he would allow me to hire anyone, or I afford it. Shall I give you the tour?" She nodded and he grabbed her hand. "This is the kitchen that gave me this scar." He pointed his hand. "I was stubborn and thought I could rip the old cabinets off with Bob the Builder tools. I learnt the lesson the hard way."

"Poor you." She kissed his hand.

"So… yeah, that's the couch that hit my balls, poor me, huh?"

She punched him in the arm. "As if I was going to fall for that one."

"Oh, but you will." He winked at her but he was just teasing her, she could tell he had no intention of finishing the tour. "That's my beloved faucet. You turn the hot water from the right tap because I'm an idiot." She was loving the Mariano way of giving tours, and she was loving picturing him in DIY mode, getting angry at inanimate objects. "Hey, come see the bathroom, I put all those fucking tiles myself. And the hot water is turned the wrong way as well here, in all faucets really, just so you know. I figured it would make everything cohesive, since I had messed up already."

"Makes sense."

"That's my writing table full of my embarrassing clutter."

She made a gesture as if asking if she could check it out and he nodded. It was an old wooden desk, one that she could picture being sold at Kim's Antiques. It had what were probably writers manuscripts all over. They were all scribbled in the margins, as he would do back in the day with any book. She smiled. He had found a way to do what he was best at. "I can really picture you here." She looked around the living room, trying to appraise quickly if a second desk could fit. She felt him grab her face and kiss her, and he was smiling when they parted. "What about the bookshelves?"

"I had them all made by this really cool old carpenter across the street. Turned out he's a poet in his spare time so we now edit James Carpenter's poems in exchange of my beautiful wooden shelves, and the ones in the office."

"No way! And his pen name is James Carpenter?"

"It's actually his fucking real name. He's such a character. And he's not half bad at poetry, I'm telling you, but Chris is the one that's in charge of that, I really suck at it, so who knows. Perhaps I just love my shelves too much." He moved to the window. His attention shifted quickly. She wondered if, on top of having been a gifted kid, he had been hyperactive as well. "If you look out that window there's the shared garden. The tenants downstairs are this cool quiet gay couple, they're chill, but it's a sort of tacit agreement that I don't use the garden but keep the use of the terrace for myself. I'll show you later." He opened a door to a very messy guest room. "That's were I keep the corpses and where the guys stay when they come over." He closed the door and turned around the separating wall. "And that's my bed."

It had fluffy pillows and a cream duvet with a brown throw on top. It looked really cozy. "It's a cool bed."

"Shhh… can you hear it?"

"What?"

"It says _come, Rory, come_." She punched him again, and he kissed her quickly on the lips. "So, do you want to wrap yourself up and head out? There's this place nearby that has a very nice heated beer garden, we could go there to talk."

He took her hand. "So there is going to be talking, then?"

"Not if we don't get out."

* * *

"Tell me again why we don't stay inside?"

"I swear it's warmer out, you'll see."

It actually was, and since it was early there was no one. It was the perfect place for talking. They ordered some decaf coffee and pie, and cozied up together under a blanket, sitting side by side.

"So, why don't you have a go today?"

She really wanted to, so she was quick to oblige. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You don't beat around the bushes, do you?" he rubbed her hand nervously. "I messed up. The day of Kyle's party I went to buy the tickets for prom and they told me I was not graduating. Like I passed the exams and everything but I had missed too many classes and they wouldn't even let me buy the tickets. Luke had told me that if I didn't graduate I would have to leave. And then my dad showed up, and I thought perhaps I could crash there because I had literally nowhere to go." She could tell he was having a really bad time. "I… was a chicken. I didn't want to tell you that I had fucked up because I knew you were the only person in the world that supported me and I didn't want to fail you, I couldn't stand it. It's not because I thought you wouldn't have understood, you know? It's just that I thought I would never forgive myself if I failed you. Turns out I failed you anyway and then I couldn't forgive myself all the same." She rubbed his hand and kissed him on the cheek. "Well, yeah. And then I was cocky, you know? I thought I was being like a literary character in one of the beat novels we used to read, and that I would, you know, get out of there and get better to be worthy of you, and that you would understand and that we would find each other eventually, because, to me, we were like the characters of the most amazing novel ever, you truly were my heroine. I really thought it would be like that. If I had thought for a moment that any of this would happen I would have done differently. But turns out that we didn't, and you don't even need to feel bad about anything that happened later between us because I was the one that messed up forever. I'm very sorry, Ror. You don't know how much I've missed you."

She knew, she knew very well. She started crying and she felt Jess squeeze her hand, but he didn't kiss her, because he was crying too. She hugged him and they both cried silently on each other's shoulder. After a while they separated and Jess gave her a shy smile.

"And why did you run? When you came back?"

"Because everyone told me how you had moved on and then I realized I had fucked up. And I was in a pretty bad place then."

She hesitated for a moment. "So, why did you tell me that you loved me?"

"Because you confronted me and it was the only thing on my mind all the time so I just blurted it out."

"And why did you drove away?"

"Because it didn't matter that I loved you. I still was a mess and you had moved on. I needed to get my shit together."

"And when you came to Yale? You had your shit together, then?"

He huffed. "Well… Please don't laugh. It's not that I was much better personally, but I was pretty desperate about having lost you. Like, I drove away and then had time to think about it and realized how final my mess-up had been. Then I went to Stars Hollow for Liz's wedding and I sort of made my peace with the part of me that was angry at my mom, and Luke and I fixed things and I… got some self-help books." She couldn't believe what Jess Mariano was confessing. " _Learn to love_ and stuff like that, and I read them all and made the exercises and everything, and then went to visit you and threw everything I had read out the window and made a fool of myself at Yale. I still thought I knew better. I'm quite cocky, you know."

"I'm speechless." She couldn't believe what Jess Mariano was confessing. She really admired him.

"I'm not surprised."

"I… would have said yes. If you had been… less explosive about everything, or if you had explained yourself, I would have probably come."

"I saw you with Dean and I was reckless. I still think it was better that you didn't, though. I hadn't learnt my lesson yet."

"But in Philadelphia…"

He looked sad. "Yeah. I think we would have been fine then. At least concerning me. Do you hate me?"

She looked up and shook her head. "I think I understand everything. And I think you were right all along, Jess. I sort of saw us like novel characters, too, but I made myself forget about it because it hurt too much. And I don't think it was only you who needed to go through everything. Like, I won't say you didn't fuck up regarding me, because you did, but I see it in the light of everything that has happened recently, and I don't think I could have understood and be here without having gone though the same. Like I don't think there could have been real forgiveness without understanding, does that make sense?"

"Yeah… I hadn't really thought about it that way."

"For the book… I've revised everything. In my past. And at first I avoided you like the plague. Can you imagine? Like a sorted Logan pretty quickly, even with the baby stuff, but kept avoiding going back to your chapter. And then… it doesn't matter."

He grabbed her face and made her look at him. "There's nothing you can tell me that would be bad, even if it hurts. Please tell me."

"But it's not bad… it's just hard. To talk about it." She breathed. "I had a talk with my mom, when figuring out stuff. She kept on telling me she had spoilt me for having set the example of having Luke always in her life and going from man to man and not realizing that Luke was _it_ for her all along, and that thank god that I wasn't like her. I had just told her that I didn't want to be with Logan. And then she rang Luke and he was with you. I went to bed and started thinking about us, about how amazing you were about the book and how you always got me and how… good you looked and… I masturbated." She was really embarrassed but she went on. She realized that she had never been so outspoken about her true feelings in her life, not without having to adjust her discourse for the other person, and she felt good. It was an awakening. "I hadn't done it since you left. I was a bit traumatized after that time because when I came I started crying and I was awful for a really long time, and it took me a lot to bottle up those feelings. I really wanted to, though, when you told me you loved me, or when you came to my grandparents', but I didn't because I knew that, if I did, I would open the pandora box. Anyway I did the day Luke visited you, and sure, just like the last time, as soon as I came I started crying and it all flooded out and I realized what you meant for me and, well, that's a bit of the reason for the meltdown in the library. Well, and because you looked hot and were amazing with Doula. And I knew you were with someone and I'm pregnant and that's the moment I decided I would let you go, because I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve it. I wouldn't want to harm you in any way… like I did with the rest. You deserve to be happy. I still think about it that way, you know?"

Jess seemed amazed. He started stroking her face as if he couldn't believe Rory was real, and then kissed her, softly at first, but then passionately, unable to repress a moan. She kissed him back, wishing that their stars could finally align. She wondered if their feelings would have time to be rekindled as renewed, whole people.

"Tell me, Ror. Tell me what you think about when you masturbate, so I can do it to you."

She felt her core beating. He was stroking her neck and planting light kisses all over her face. "I… I'm always split between rough fantasies and gentle ones." She couldn't believe she had said that out loud. He grabbed her waist strongly.

"Me too… it's always the same. I want it all. And… I couldn't masturbate thinking about you, either. I would always be destroyed afterwards." She couldn't believe it. Her inside was on fire. "Did you think about me, Ror, when… we were together?" He was looking at her with lust. She thought she couldn't take it.

"Yeah… I was really afraid you would be able to tell. But I always thought… you would be the first."

He placed his forehead on hers."And… are you ready now?"

She was scared. She was burning. She was ready. "Yes."


	21. Release

**Release**

They climbed up the stairs hand in hand, giving each other shy looks, giddy with anticipation. As soon as they crossed the door the apartment felt heavy, and they were slow to warm up to each other, respectful of what was going to happen between them. They didn't turn on the lights, the gleam of the city at dusk being soft and warm as candlelight. They took each other's hands and kissed lightly, their bodies not touching; it was just their hands caressing slowly. They intertwined their fingers and they kissed a little deeper, and for a while their tongues and lips were the whole focus. At some point Rory sighed, the touch of Jess' lips too long missed. He lifted his hand and caressed her face. She traced her way up his arms and grabbed them tight, but it didn't seem tight enough, so she drew closer to him. Jess gasped when he felt her clothes barely brushing his. He moved his hand away from her face and she whimpered when she lost his touch, but he had to do it. He took Rory's coat off and then his. They dropped on the floor with a thud, already forgotten. Since they had completely lost contact they felt shy again, their heaviest layer of protection removed. He grabbed her hand and kissed her softly. He guided her to his room but they resumed their kissing as they had done before, standing up beside the bed, afraid of moving too fast too soon. Jess placed his hand on the back of her neck and drew her in to deepen his kiss. She grabbed his hips and pulled him close and he reciprocated grinding softly, sideways, against her. She felt him hard, and whimpered, and he smiled against her lips before licking them and brushing his tongue against hers. She retraced the path back to his arms but then kept on, feeling the muscles on his chest down to his stomach. He lowered his head and kissed her neck softly until she moaned, and then opened the top button of her shirt to kiss her collarbone. He felt her shudder when he undid that button, so he moved away for the time being, he didn't want to rush things. But she too wanted to get rid of clothes and started undoing his shirt, anxious to touch his bare skin. He stopped all action to be able to watch her do it. She did it slowly but with a sure hand, her nimble fingers brushing his skin fleetingly, until she reached the final button. His shirt lay half opened and she felt the revealed space with one hand, top to bottom, until she reached the path of hair that went beyond his pants. He kissed her grabbing a fistful of her hair, then, both her hands resting on his chest, feeling him breath heavily. She broke the kiss after a short while so she could move on discovering him, his skin burning her hand. She brushed his shirt past his shoulders and let it fall on the floor, letting out a ragged breath. For a moment he felt exposed, but then saw Rory's face in awe, and then she felt her fingers tracing his muscles, his nipples, his stomach, as if he was trying to read him. He wanted more badly, he wanted to be able to see and feel her skin with his hands as she was doing, and then press against her delicate skin, but he went about it differently and sunk slowly to his knees to overcome the awkwardest moment quickly, getting rid of that uncomfortable piece of clothing that was pants. He looked up before proceeding to make sure she was OK with it. She gave him an encouraging smile while taking her sneakers off. He undid the button and zipper of her pants and took them off, and then her socks, and quickly stood up again, because he didn't want to be so far from her mouth so soon. He encircled his arms around her to kiss her, careful so as not to brush his rough jeans against her soft skin. He kissed her neck and smelled her deeply, and stood there while his hand traveled up her waist and over her shirt. He wanted to feel Rory's breasts in every possible way before getting rid of all the layers. He closed his eyes against her neck and his hand against her breast. She was wearing a padless bra and he loved the feeling, because beneath her clothes he could feel her nipple hardening. He needed to get rid of the shirt. He undid her buttons less gracefully that she had done, but was surprised when he took her shirt off, because he didn't settle his look in her simple black cotton bra and panties, trying to make out what was behind them. No, his gaze settled in her stomach, in her tiny little bump. He felt her shudder and looked up. She looked afraid.

"Ror…" He said her name but was saying something else entirely.

She hesitated. "Say… say something. Do you hate it?"

At first he didn't understand the question – it didn't belong there, in the perfect bubble they were creating. But then it dawned on him that she had probably been afraid, not only about everything else that was happening between them, but about how he would react in that exact moment. "Can… I?"

She didn't understand the question, as if it was too perfect for her imperfect self, as if it couldn't be. So she forgot about words and their meaning and just focused on him, who was gazing at her longingly. She was terrified, but she nodded. His hand traveled down between her breasts until he reached her belly, and then caressed it softly, and it didn't make sense, because she felt suddenly happy about everything, and nothing, not even the pregnancy, was left out. She started crying and he hushed her, grabbing her face with both hands, kissing her everywhere, licking her tears, but that only made her cry more. He was not put out by her tears; on the contrary, that was Rory being whole, with her desire and her fears, and she was letting herself go for him to hold her. He wanted it all – he wanted her doubts to wipe them, her fears to shoo them, and he wanted to kiss her belly so she would know that he considered that part of her too, that it was fine if they didn't talk about what it would happen for a while, but that he hadn't erased that space from what Rory was, that he still wanted to know her all. He moved away from her face and sat down on the bed. He grabbed her hips and pulled her to him. She kept on crying, but he didn't mind – he knew she would be fine when she knew, and so he rubbed his face against her belly, and kissed it, and caressed, and then he felt her hands on his hair, gently stroking him, and he didn't hear tears anymore. He looked up and saw her look at him in a way he had never seen.

"You're so beautiful, Ror."

She smiled, glowing, and touched his face, beckoning him up. She kissed him hard and he embraced her strongly, wanting to be as close as possible, but his pants were still in the way so he undid his buttons and got rid of them, and of the sneakers and the socks too. He then went back to their embrace, letting his hardness brush her forcefully now that there was no rough fabric in the way, and she embraced him hard too, wanting to feel every inch of skin available to her. He caressed her face and broke the kiss slowly, grabbed her hand and motioned her to lie on the bed. He then lay down beside her and kissed her while caressing her body from her legs up to her face.

They slowly adjusted their positions until they were on the middle of the bed. They never broke their kiss, holding each other close and grinding against each other, wanting more. Jess rolled Rory so she would be on her back, his body flush on her side, and started feeling her breasts on top of her bra. He was torn between looking how he grabbed them and looking at her, so he hoisted himself up, resting his weight on his forearm. He kissed her while he kept massaging her breast, and she moaned, she never stopped moaning, it was amazing that he could do that to her. She was making him so hard that he was having trouble not ripping her underwear off and entering her with abandon, but he remembered how he wanted to make it good for her, how he wanted to spoil her for everyone else, so he focused. He saw she was closing her legs by reflex, needing some friction at her core, and he would not deny her pushing things forward, so he firmly lowered both her bra straps, setting her breasts free.

She gasped at the abrupt progress and grabbed his hair. He looked at her hungrily and let out a moan while grinding his erection against her leg. He felt so hard, she wanted to see him fully, to indulge on how overwhelming he was, because he was, he had his boxers on but she knew he had not lied to her. Her brain shut though because he started licking and sucking her breasts, and it felt so good she wanted him to bite them, and as if he had read her mind, he did, and she squeezed her insides and swore she could have come like that, but then she didn't need to think anymore, because she felt his hand traveling down and settling on top of her panties, cradling her mound.

He could not believe that he was letting go of Rory's breasts, he would need to come back at some stage and lick them and pinch them more, but he felt her squishing and knew he needed to bring his attention to her center. He placed his hand over her panties, grabbing her whole mound. He first pressed her like that, so it would be her own flesh rubbing against her nerves. He kept his hand closed and started rubbing with slow circular motions, and he knew he was onto something good because she was exploding into a thousand different reactions – her legs were jerky, she shut her eyes with the hottest face he had ever seen, her left hand went softly to her mouth as if she wanted to suppress a moan but had forgotten why it got there, and her right hand caressed herself all the way up to her breast and grabbed it, as if missing his last touch. He couldn't take it, he couldn't take such a pretty bundle of feedback and not want to be everywhere at the same time, biting those raspberry lips, swollen by the pumping of her own blood, licking that stray hand so it would forget to try to stifle her moans. But he couldn't stop, he was irrevocably connected to her center, so he got on his knees without breaking the connection and grabbed the breast that was not receiving any attention. Her eyes opened at the touch and looked at him, as if pleading for more. She got rid of her bra and he grabbed her breast harder, and then pinched her nipple softly. She started whispering his name incoherently – and he hadn't even gotten into her panties yet. He took the plunge and stopped his rubbing motion to take the panties off slowly. Fuck, there was Rory naked. He felt joy, it was like an exquisite, delicate machine laid off in front of him, and he wanted to figure out all the quirks and buttons. He settled for rubbing her nub softly first while he figured out what to do next, but the pull was too strong and he couldn't resist putting a finger inside her. She cried and clutched around him, and he softly moved his finger while his thumb caressed her nub. She was so wet it was sinful.

She needed to stop him, she didn't want to come yet. She wanted him inside her, not focusing on her but letting himself go. She didn't give a damn about coming, which she would do soon, or about how long it took, she just wanted them joined, to feel his weight, to hear him panting close to her ear. She wanted _him_ to come. She grabbed his wrist and pulled him to her.

"Stop… it's too good."

He looked confused but then he seemed to understand, he had to – after all, they both wanted the same from each other. He brought himself up and started taking his underwear off, but she stopped him and pushed him softly on the bed to lie on his back. He looked worried.

"I'm too far gone, Ror."

She nodded, breathing raggedly. "OK. I'll just take them off, I swear."

He watched her toy delicately with the waistband of his boxers, and then caress him softly over the fabric. He twitched, and he prayed she didn't tease him anymore. She finally took them off, slowly. She seemed enthralled by him, but somehow afraid to touch him. At last she run a finger across his length and he couldn't take it anymore. His voice came out low and husky.

"Come here."

She did, laying beside him. He turned so they were both on their sides, face to face. Their bodies weren't touching except for his throbbing erection. He caressed her face.

"Can I hurt it?"

She shook her head.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded, softly. "I need you, Jess."

He also needed her. He hovered over her and placed himself between her legs. He kept his weight on his forearm and sank to kiss her, brushing her center with the motion, causing both to moan. He caressed her face. He wanted to tell her what it meant to him to be there, but somehow words didn't belong in that moment. She moved her hips upwards, as if asking him in. He lowered his gaze and positioned himself at her entrance. He looked back at her, and only when he saw her looking into his eyes he entered her with a slow thrust.

* * *

He took it slow, at first. He wanted to feel her all around him, to caress her body, to kiss her, to look into her eyes. She was so wet and warm that it was killing him, he couldn't get enough, and he reveled in each moment. But then she started making it hard for him to be slow and gentle – she was grabbing his hips strongly, whimpering, moving her legs up so he could go deeper, her body asking for more. It was madness.

She wanted him to let go, to possess her, to abandon himself, to stop restraining everything. He caught up eventually and started plunging deeper, and she started crying – it was too much to take, it was all too powerful, and his name came out incoherent between short breaths. He didn't stop. He didn't stop thrusting, harder and harder each time.

He felt her starting to clench around him and he thought he couldn't take it, so he pressed on, he was getting there too. It was beautiful. The air stilled and she quit moaning, barely panting, her limbs twitching, as if her core was sucking all her strength. But he wanted her to have more, so he brought a hand between them and started rubbing her nerves while entering her with the same strength.

It was an attack on all her senses. She was coming already when she felt him rub her, and at first it seemed a crazy thing to do, he was mad to attempt that, to be so ambitious. She thought she couldn't take it, she couldn't take that much. She cried and clutch his shoulders, but he didn't stop, he only plunged deeper. He started groaning in her ear, and she knew he was finally letting go, so she let herself go too. She took the plunge and accepted everything – the depth of her feelings, his unrestrained desire, his strength, his boldness, his beauty – and got a twofold release.

She arched her back underneath him and moaned long and loudly, and only then he came warm and hard inside her.


	22. Intimacy

**Intimacy**

He didn't pull out. He didn't have to, and so they were able to stay connected, limbs entwined, just looking at each other, until the waves of ecstasy receded. Jess slowly started to notice the world around themselves – the warm light, the distant sound of a car passing by, the temperature of the room. He extended his arm to grab the throw and Rory sighed, as if afraid of loosing contact so soon. But he didn't plan to, and just covered them as well as he could so he didn't have to. Rory smiled shyly when he was back looking at her. He smiled back, and she caressed his face. He closed his eyes, enjoying her loving touch. He couldn't believe he was there, still inside Rory, her warmth so close, her sweet smell all around him, and that he would be able to hold her all night, to wake up by her side, to bring her back to life with kisses, to make love to her again, and then some more. He wanted to make sure. He opened his eyes. She was still looking at him.

"I thought I lost you there."

He shook his head. He wanted to ask her a thousand things but was afraid of speaking. "So, today is our day, huh?"

She laughed. "Already thinking about that?"

He nodded. He liked what her laughing felt like with her body all around him.

"You're such a stud."

He laughed and kissed her. "Go on, confess it – you love it."

She blushed and looked at him intently. "Yeah, I love it." He smiled back. "But I can't feel my limbs anymore. I'm afraid I lost them."

He run his hands softly over her thighs. She sighed. "Nah, I think you're alright. But I'm a bit concerned. What do we do now?"

She seemed worried. "What do you mean?"

"I don't want to pull out but I want to bring you a glass of water." He saw relief on her face. "Like, do we stay like this forever now? Is it not going to make it weird at work?"

She laughed again while caressing his arm. "I guess we could telework."

"And how would we skype?"

"Awkwardly. But seriously, I don't need anything right now. This is perfect."

He stroked her face. "Yeah."

"So… was it perfect for you too?"

She was insane. "Where you there at all? Are you serious?"

"Well, yeah! I mean, I was, but we said a lot earlier and there was such a build-up… I feel really vulnerable right now."

"You know what the problem is, Ror? That whichever way I put it – and it hurts saying this, because I'm a writer – is going to dampen what just happened and I really don't want to."

She smiled. "Thanks. That was perfect."

"So?"

"So, what?"

"So, I have a heart, too! Say something, woman!"

She laughed and he stroked her back. "I cannot surpass what you said! Trying is a huge burden!" He feigned hurt. "You're an idiot. You know how it was but you just want me to be embarrassed saying it so I blush."

"Well… yeah. You get so pretty. Still, it would be nice. "

She smiled and kissed him. "Alright. You've ruined me for the world. There. Happy?"

He grinned. He had never felt happier. "Very."

"So, on the count of three?"

He nodded and she started the countdown. "Wait!" She seemed confused. He kissed her hard, catching her unawares and using the distraction to pull out. He broke the kiss and looked at her. "Better?"

She kissed him back, pressing all her body against his. "Thanks." Her stomach rumbled.

"OK, so… food?"

"What time is it?"

"Who cares?" He looked over her shoulder anyway and checked his alarm clock. "8:00. Great."

"Great, how?"

"So I can hunt for you and then bring you back here before you doze off. So, in or out?"

"Huh… in! We could order something."

"Or I could cook. I went shopping this morning."

"Yay! I'd love to see you cook!"

He knew that her interest was genuine but teased her all the same. "Hey, have some confidence there!"

"No, I mean it, I would really like it, perhaps I could even learn. I've been thinking about it. My wallet would be happy."

"OK. Do you want a shower first? Can I join you? Did you bring you duck PJs? Can you please wear them?"

"Yes, no, no and definitely not. I brought very serious PJs."

"Do you want one of my t-shirts? I'm scared of serious PJs, I worry they will want me to fill tax returns in the morning." He just wanted her to get comfy in some of his clothes so she would leave her smell on them.

"Yeah! What can you offer?"

He sat up and put his boxers on, and then went to his wardrobe. "Very old Metallica T-shirt from days past. It's nice and over washed, so soft." He threw it at her. She took it and smelled it deeply. He loved that. "I'm a bit embarrassed to say this, but if smell is what you are after, I could lend you the jewel of the crown."

She feigned disgust, but seemed excited. "Ugh!"

"You'll be the judge of that." He grabbed a fine dark green robe from a hanger. "It's my writing robe. I wear it on Sundays when I lazy around and, well, write. It makes me feel really literary and manly."

"Meaning you don't wash it often."

He laughed. "Not so much as t-shirts, no, for some obscure reason. I'm starting to feel really embarrassed about it."

She moved forward, stretching out her hand enthusiastically. She was holding the throw to cover her breasts with her spare hand. "Give it to me! I want to assess."

He threw it to her and she dropped the throw to sink her head in it, inhaling deeply. He caught a brief glimpse of her breasts before his bundled robe covered them again. "Yes, this! Oh, it smells so good." She went at it again. "What a beauty. It's very manly."

He jumped on the bed, making a gesture to take it back from her, but she pushed him away. It was all a false pretense to get closer to her naked body. "Hey, I want it back! I don't know why I lent it to you, it's making you all weird! Give it back, Gollum!"

She turned to protect it with her body while smelling it. The throw, that had been covering her from her waist down, wasn't long enough to screen her when she turned, revealing her bare ass. She didn't have time to notice, Jess was already behind her, his whole body pressing against hers.

"That's so sexy. Are you really hungry?" He grabbed her ass and ground against it. He could not believe it, but he was getting hard again.

She sighed. "I don't know anymore."

He grabbed her breasts with both hands from behind and kissed her neck. She pressed her ass against him. He whispered in her ear, "I really like the way you smell, too."

She moaned and put her hand on top of his, as if urging him to press on, and he grabbed her breast harder. She turned her face and kissed him. His tongue went deep into her mouth. Both started grinding against each other firmly. He was really turned on by being in contact with a new part of her body and felt bold. He pushed her softly so she lied on her belly, and started caressing her back from the neck up to her thighs. He could tell she was really turned on as well, uttering incoherent sounds while squeezing her legs tight. He caressed her ass softly and then grabbed one cheek, massaging it. She started whimpering and that made him wild. He took his boxers off and put a finger inside her. She was so warm and wet, he couldn't believe he was that hard again.

"You make me so wild, Ror." She turned her head and looked at him. She was flushed, shaken with desire. Foreplay be damned. He straddled her and entered her while she never stopped looking at him, opening her mouth in a silent moan, and she was so smooth that he thought he would lose it. He started pushing softly, caressing the low of her back. She grabbed the cover of the bed and lifted her hips just so he could push harder. He grabbed her hips and thrusted more purposefully, and both cried. Soon after Rory crossed her legs behind him and his brain shut. She felt so amazing he was not going to last. He slowed down.

"Is something wrong?"

He panted. "You felt too good. I couldn't take it. I was going to explode. I'll be fine in a sec."

"That's the whole point, you idiot!" She wiggled out and sat on her knees in front of him. "Will you stop?"

He was confused. "What's wrong?"

She punched his arm. She was so sexy when she was mad at him. And naked on top of that. She used to repress all her annoyance, and he was glad she wasn't doing that anymore. "I want you to come, too, you know? Like I was so happy there because you let go and it felt amazing and it was pure you, unrestrained. I was loving it. I couldn't care less about myself."

He smiled. "Really?"

She still seemed annoyed. "Yeah!"

"But it's tough to do that! It's really hardwired, you know? I've been keeping control for years with you, I can't just revert to full ape."

"Oh, is that it?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, we'll need to start with small steps, then."

She pushed him down on the bed.

"What are you doing?"

She pointed a finger at him. He had never been so turned on. "You're not in charge tonight, I am, and I'll decide who comes first."

He let out a groan and she mellowed. She stood by his side, on her knees, and started caressing his chest and arms. She traced the line of hair until his erection, and then took it lightly with her small hand. It was the sexiest thing he had ever seen. He grabbed her breast and watched her move her hand up and down, slowly.

"Tell me… tell me how you like it." She had been so self-assured a minute ago that it was really endearing that she had reverted back to shy Rory. He recognized what was going on, it was the same for him – she also wanted to be the best for him. And she was, he couldn't string two words together, so he just let his head back and shut his eyes. She heard her concede. "Good".

She started stroking with more pressure, but kept a deliciously slow rhythm. That was Rory Gilmore masturbating him, and she was doing a great job at it. He suddenly felt a change, though, and opened his eyes to check what was going on. She was about to put his hardness in her mouth. She saw him look and warned him, "I'm not stopping till the end."

He nodded – he could barely manage anything else. And since she wasn't going to stop, he looked at her. He saw her close her eyes when she put him in her mouth. He saw her lick him while she stroke him, and moan as if she was taking as much pleasure as he was. He tried to stifle an involuntary hip thrust but only half managed. She didn't pull back, though, she actually sucked him harder and whimpered. He caressed her hair, mesmerized, and she looked up at him, his erection still in her mouth, and took him deeper, never backing off when his tip pressed the depth of her throat. He couldn't repress a hip thrust, then, and she moaned harder. He grabbed her shoulder, warning her, but she just took him deeper. He considered holding back, and for a split second he thought about getting out of her mouth. It was hard for him, it was hard to let go after so many years doing the exact opposite, and it scared him to not have to. But then she looked at him again and it was a loving, welcoming look she gave him, and so he came, collapsing on the bed. Soon Rory was by his side, holding him close, nuzzling his neck. He was suddenly afraid of their month coming to an end and embraced her strongly, searching her face for a kiss. She kissed him back chastely, with her mouth closed, but he grabbed the back of her neck and she gave in, opening her mouth to his. He roamed her body with his free hand, grabbing her hip. She squirmed under his touch and he smiled, placing his hand between her legs.

"OK, you win – you'll come last."


	23. Not a Lobster

_A/N: To all my beloved readers: I'm a bit shy about adding author notes as a mix of my own shyness and the wish for the work to speak for itself. However, I want to break the silence to apologize for the long time it has taken to publish this update and to thank everyone who is following the story for sticking around. It is true that sometimes life gets in the way, but ultimately, if updates are slow in coming from now on, know that it's because I'm trying to make the best out of the story, which is sometimes hard. A special thank you to everyone who has posted a review – this story is for you._

* * *

 **Not a Lobster**

She showered while Jess prepped everything for cooking. She worried for her stability on the wet floor, her legs still shaky from her last orgasm. She felt in a daze. He was… he had… she couldn't even gather her thoughts, the memory of his mouth licking and kissing her center still too bright. It was funny how he could feel so strong and passionate when entering her and then have such a soft hand. He was a gem. What had she been doing all of her sexual active years? It all felt a waste of time. Their first time… what he did when she was already coming… she had never experienced that, it was as if she came from two different places. Where had he learnt that? She felt suddenly jealous of his past and bad at the same time for doing so, as she didn't have the right – she could have stopped that past from happening, in Philadelphia, a long time ago. She forced herself to stop thinking about it. She saw the faucet and pictured Jess fixing the house. The image prompted her to caress her belly, hot water trickling down her body. He made her feel different, but she couldn't really pinpoint what was it about them that was so special, like it wasn't a single thing, but a thousand details. It was not like she hadn't had passionate sex before, but what they had done was different. It felt natural, intimate and feral at the same time, as if all facets of a true relationship had been finally revealed, with nuances that she had never seen or experimented before. She laughed. She had scolded him for slowing down! And it hadn't put him off; on the contrary, he had understood and let her lead. She had felt… liberated, and the feeling was exhilarating. She turned off the water and got out of the shower. She toweled her hair and dried her body, and then grabbed Jess' robe and smelled it, getting sudden butterflies. She had never ever wanted so much before to stay naked and entangled with anyone, oblivious of the outside world. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and brushed her hair, wondering. Were they crazy? Were they going to be consumed by a fiery passion? She felt dizzy. Whatever happened, it didn't matter as long as she didn't hurt him. She could live with the rest. She put on the robe and some thick socks Jess had lent her and went out. He was prepping dinner and turned when she approached him. She stopped six feet away from him. He was wearing a black long sleeved t-shirt and pajama pants, and looked relaxed and happy with his hair tousled and a beaming, crooked grin.

"Was the shower good?" She nodded and smiled. "Are you so scared of kitchens that you don't even approach them? Or is it the chef you want to keep away from?"

She laughed and closed the gap between them, hugging him by the waist. "If only I could."

He kissed her. "I can't believe you've given up control on what we're eating tonight."

She kissed him back. "I trust you."

"My robe suits you. You look amazing."

She smiled. "It _feels_ amazing – very literary and manly."

He untied the robe and put his hands under it, caressing her waist. "You couldn't look less manly." He stroked her belly. "You look like a goddess."

He kissed her softly but it made her burn all the same. If they didn't get away from each other they would soon die of starvation. "Will we ever be able to stop?"

He laughed and kissed her cheek, tying the robe belt again. "Don't worry, Gilmore. I know better than to let you starve."

She scanned the countertop. "This all looks really exotic and professional – what is it?"

"Nothing yet, but it's going to become Thai chicken soup. Grab that." He pointed a plant pot on the kitchen's window sill. She hadn't noticed, but it was full of herbs. She grabbed the one he was pointing at and he cut a leaf for her to smell. "Do you like it?"

"Yeah, it smells amazing." He grabbed another pot. "That one was Thai basil and this one's coriander. Are you one of those people?"

"Which people?"

"One of those who hate coriander."

She smelled it. "No, I don't think so."

"That's what I thought, since you're so much into Indian food and all. So, do you feel like having the soup?"

"Yeah! Why wouldn't I?"

"I am not sure how the whole craving thing works and wanted you to sample some of the highlights before committing. Thai soup it is, then."

He was so considerate and the situation was so domestic that her heart melt. He motioned her to a stool on the kitchen island and then got busy with the dinner process, doing several things at the same time. He heated a pan while he chopped and danced around the kitchen, getting pots and ingredients out of the cupboards and fridge. He looked like a pro, and seemed to enjoy himself. She was mesmerized.

"I don't know how it will taste but it looks amazing. You do, I mean."

He laughed while opening a can of coconut milk. "Thanks. I like cooking."

"And I like you." He turned and looked at her with a lopsided smirk, and then went back to stir-frying some vegetables. "I don't even want to know what they are."

"Good, because they will feel really bad if they find out you hate them, Gilmore."

He carried on and she delighted on the sight of him. The kitchen started to smell amazing, and her stomach roared. She got up and got some glasses and water, leaving them on the kitchen island. Jess finished what seemed like three independent preparations at the same time and poured everything in two bowls, garnishing everything with the herbs and lime. He got two spoons and brought everything to the island, sitting beside her.

"I hope you like it."

She took a sip and was shocked. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"What?"

"You made this?"

"Well, yeah, as that pile of dirty pots and pans will attest." She stared at him, thunderstruck. She suddenly understood what was so special about them – she loved him. She loved Jess, she _still_ did. She had loved the punk back then and she loved the caring, passionate man he had become, and she could have committed right there to having that Thai soup every day until the end of their lives. She loved him. She fucking loved him. "What? Say something, Ror!"

How was she going to say anything? How was she going to avoid blurting it out at any random moment? It was too soon, she couldn't say it. She struggled to find words. "I… this is the best thing I've ever eaten. Period."

He gleamed. "Really?" She nodded. "Are you blushing? Because you got it all wrong, it should be me blushing. I'm so glad you like it, Ror – you don't know how much."

She smiled and started eating, although she was not hungry anymore – she just needed an excuse to stuff her mouth and not spill the truth out. She was fucked. She suddenly understood why Jess had run away from her and blurted out he loved her when confronted. She wanted to run away, too. She had always known that they were something big, but somehow she had avoided thinking about themselves under those terms – she had wanted to get to know him better, to see how they were together, before even thinking about that, and accepting that she loved him hit her like a ton of bricks. But of course she did. She had been afraid of acknowledging it, it was too scary, especially in her situation. He was eating his soup slowly, looking at her constantly and smiling. He looked amazing. She had always been obsessed with his mouth, with that seeming malfunction of his lip that was sexier than any other quirk she had ever seen. She wanted to lick his whole body. She wanted to water his cute herbs and to forbid him to ever wash his t-shirts. She entertained the idea of a thousand small and big things they could do if they shared a life together, like reading on the couch on lazy Sunday afternoons, browsing bookstores, having breakfast together, fighting over control of the TV. And making love, making love _everywhere_ – on the couch, on a pub's toilet, on bank holidays. She imagined them having kids, his loving gaze on her as she would breastfeed an imaginary baby, enthralled as he had always been thanks to his sensitive writer's heart by the real, important stuff – by her body changing, by growing old, by life. Somewhere, in a warm, cosy corner of her mind, Jess started to read to their kid at night – probably _Matilda_ – and the kid loved it, loved having a real daddy, one that knew what it felt like to have no father and as a result had become the best one. So that's how it felt to recognize the father of one's future children – except that he wasn't. It was all too much. She started to cry. He jumped from his stool and hugged her.

"What's wrong, Rory?"

He was really concerned and she felt really guilty about it. She said the first thing that crossed her mind. "It's the soup! It's _so_ good."

"What? I swear I'm never making it again, I don't want you to cry over soup! Is it the hormones?"

She nodded, glad of the easy way out. "And the soup, don't forget about it."

"How could I? " He kissed the top of her head and then grabbed her face and kissed her softly. "Are you sleepy? Do you want to go to bed?"

She was, but she wasn't ready to finish the day yet, it would mean they would be a day closer to facing the glaring reality of the situation. She shook her head. "Can we play something silly on TV and laugh about it and… just talk?"

He smiled. "I'd love that."

They snuggled on the couch under a blanket. Jess spooned her and started zapping. He stopped from time to time when something bad came on, as if waiting for a cue from her to stay on the channel. She let real housewives and Kardashians pass until deciding on a lousy telefilm. "This looks promising."

She was surrounded by his strong arms and his warmth and slowly relaxed. If a month was everything they were to have together, she would at least make the most of it. She inhaled deeply and let her fears drift away for the moment. She didn't want to burden him yet with love declarations – he didn't want him to feel guilty if he decided in the end that he didn't want to give it a shot, whatever it was they were shooting at.

Jess kissed her neck and readjusted slightly behind her. "I always thought TV films were actually the way channels organized scriptwriter boot camps. Like they just throw the craziest plots at them see if they can come up with an actual script, and then get trainee directors, cinematographers and actors to film the whole thing for peanuts."

She smiled against his hand. "TV films are truly postmodernist. Vonnegut wouldn't have dared to go where this thing is going." He gently squeezed her, as if agreeing with her comment, but said nothing. She loved that they could finally express communicate like that. "Like, who could believe that guy was attacked by a lobster?"

"Ror?"

"Yeah?"

"It was a swan."

"That lobster was a swan? I'm starting to really like this film."

He whispered against her skin. "No, not the film. My black eye. At your grandma's."

She turned and looked at him. "What?"

He seemed embarrassed. "I was beaked by a vicious swan."

"Do you write TV films? Because that sure is unbelievable." She searched his face and saw he was truly ashamed. "You're shitting me."

"I wish."

"You were attacked _by a swan_?" He nodded shyly. "I'm torn between asking how it happened and why you didn't tell me."

He shrugged. "I was an idiot. All the time. I'm sorry. This answers both questions."

They looked at each other for a long time. Their faces were really close, so close that Rory could see Jess' eyebrows trembling so slightly that she knew he wouldn't know that his body was reacting like that. Was it the closeness, the openness, that was doing that to him? Whatever it was, it was happening to her, too. She realized she had never felt like she could say anything that crossed her mind without fear and it wouldn't matter, it would be welcome as long as it was the truth, same as whatever Jess could say to her. She caressed his neck. "Let's go to bed."

He nodded and both got up. Jess turned off the TV and the lights in the room, and then grabbed Rory by the hand and took her to bed. He undressed and then untied Rory's robe and let it fall on the ground, and then opened the bed and both got in. Jess lay on his back and opened his arms. Rory quickly nestled on his shoulder and he held her close. They lay like that for a long time, just caressing each other softly. Eventually Jess dozed off, but Rory didn't follow him – she still didn't want to end their day together. She didn't want to end anything. Did Jess? Would he have thought already about the fact that she was pregnant with Logan's baby – or was he doing what she had asked him to do, and wasn't thinking about the pregnancy at all for the time being? How could he be there like that if he hated her for it? Jess moved in his sleep but didn't break his embrace, he just hugged her harder. She loved how he felt, she loved being able to have his body so close. She loved him and wanted him all. She hitched her leg and placed it on his crotch while caressing his chest. He squeezed her, still asleep, and she felt him harden against her thigh. She brushed her leg against him, very slowly, so as to see if he minded the intrusion in his sleep.

"Rory…"

He lowered his arm and grabbed her butt while grinding against her, kissing her lazily, still half asleep. She wanted to tell him with her body the things she couldn't say out loud, and so she kissed him back, and caressed him, and straddled him, making love slowly to him, their bodies tangled in a dreamy haze that eventually carried both to release, and gently after that, to sleep.


	24. Good Morning

**Good Morning**

He dozed in and out of consciousness during the night. He loved awakening to Rory asleep, her naked body all over his. He never woke her up, though – he just caressed her lightly, and smelled her hair, and enjoyed the cute whimpers she would make when hugging her close.

* * *

The sunlight awoke him early in the morning, but Rory wasn't by his side. He heard a rattle of pots and pans in the kitchen. He put on his pajamas and followed the noise. Rory had cleaned up the mess from last night's dinner and was making some coffee. She was still wearing his robe.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"

He closed the distance between them and grabbed her face to kiss her. "Come back, Ror. It's still early."

"But the coffee…"

"It doesn't even do anything to you anymore – it's decaf."

She smiled and kissed him back. "OK."

* * *

The next time he woke up Rory was sleeping soundly by him. He stood still, afraid of waking her up – she looked so peaceful. He felt at peace, as well: they had finally been together in the way he had so many times dreamed of, only it had been better than a dream. Some things he could have never imagined, like the clusters of freckles all over her legs and back, or the exact proportions of her naked body, or how her sex looked – imagination was somehow mass produced, simplifying and ignoring those tiny real details that made one different and at the same time more and less perfect than any idealized fantasy. Her belly. He loved her belly. He hadn't given it much thought before seeing her naked – he hadn't really had much time to do so – but he loved it, and it was weird. He loved it at first sight, it was a beautiful thing, but he wondered if he shouldn't, if it was wrong or twisted to be so drawn to it. It was that blonde dick's creation, after all.

Yes, that. He felt suddenly very sad. He knew he didn't have a right to feel mad at Rory for being pregnant with someone else's baby, but he felt a jealousy he had never felt – and he had been _very_ jealous of Rory's love interests in the past. He still loved the belly, though – he just regretted life, cruel and cunning. Still, he had gotten a chance he thought he would never get, and everything was perfect… even if it really wasn't. But what was perfect in life, anyway? She had asked for a month as a trial, but he didn't think he would need it. The things he had always known he still knew, they weren't changed by that massive growing curveball. And there were new, unexpected things, like intimacy. He suddenly felt at home. He had settled in the past years, but he had never felt anything similar to what he had felt the day before – it was warmth, and happiness, and companionship. He had always fantasized about the flashy things: nakedness, passion, lust. But he had forgotten about the little details – about sharing food and toilet, or seeing his socks on her, perhaps because he had never known what a true home looked like. Had she felt anything similar to that? Were things unraveling as fast to her as they did to him? She moved beside him and he noticed her eyes were open.

"A penny for your thoughts, Mariano."

He smiled and shook his head. "You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine."

She stretched slowly. "Your bed is so comfortable."

"Is it the bed, really? Because you've been mostly sleeping on me."

"Was it too bad?"

He caressed her waist. "No, it was quite the opposite."

She kissed him and stroked his abdomen. "Good morning, Jess."

"Good morning, Rory. I'm glad we came back to bed – I really wanted to wake up beside you."

"Me too. I just didn't want you to clean up, which I knew you would do even if I offered to do it myself."

"When do you need to be back?"

A shadow crossed her face. "Tonight, any time is fine as long as I sleep in the diner to open tomorrow. I really don't want to go."

"I don't want you to go either."

"I'm glad."

"Did you doubt it for one second?" She hid her face against the pillow. He shook her arm. "Ror?"

"I don't know." Her voice was muffled by the pillow.

"Ror, look at me." She stayed put. "Ror, come on. What's up?"

She turned and faced him. She was wearing a full Gilmore blush. "Can we spend New Year's Eve together?"

He laughed. "Sure. Why was that so hard?"

"I didn't know if you were going to agree."

"How could I not?" She lowered her gaze and he understood she was dreading that he didn't need a month to start thinking about the big questions. "Hey, come here." He pressed his body against hers and stroke her hair. "I couldn't imagine a better start of the year than spending it with you."

She gave him a dazzling smile. "So… what about a shower?"


	25. Back to Reality

**Back to Reality**

They spent the day enjoying the ultimate battle of the bookstores in Brooklyn. They took turns to show each other their favorite places, and then had burritos for lunch before heading back to Stars Hollow. Rory tried to convince Jess that she would take the train back but he wouldn't hear anything about it, he was set on driving her back to Stars Hollow, and at 4pm both headed back to her hometown. They agreed on sleeping in the apartment together and Jess leaving very early to spend the day with Doula as to avoid any gossip before Rory could break the news to her mom. Jess was driving and bantering about how her mom's head would explode if she found out when the elder Lorelai herself rang.

"Hey, mom! How is Nantucket?"

"Getting further away as we speak. We're heading home and will be back tonight."

"Oh." She hoped she didn't sound disappointed, which she was. She was looking forward to as much time together with Jess as the day would allow.

"That, indeed – your grandma is coming with us."

She could tell her mom was telepathically trying to send a message she couldn't say aloud. "Is everything alright?"

"You can do better."

"OK, so I need to guess and you will answer yes or no, right?"

"Yeah!"

"OK… is it bad?"

"Huh huh."

"Are… you in trouble?"

"Nope."

"Am… I in trouble?"

"Huh huh." Before Rory could go on she heard her grandma on the other side. "For Pete's sake, Lorelai, stop beating around the bushes, I know what you two are doing there, I was involved in the DAR, if you remember – and let me tell you, you two are secret speech aficionados. Young lady, if you can hear me, we need to have a very serious conversation. I'm awfully disappointed on you." Lorelai stopped her mom. "OK, let's leave it here, we'll see you at home in a couple hours, kiddo. By the way, it wasn't me."

And like that, she hung up.

"That didn't sound like a cheerful Lorelai-Rory exchange, everything alright?"

She hesitated. She had hoped for a bit of buffer with Jess and suddenly the situation was exploding in her face. "They're coming back from Nantucket already – with my grandma. She knows."

Jess looked confused as he drove on. "Did Lorelai tell her? I can't believe she did that."

She knew there were only two possibilities, although she dreaded discussing them with Jess. "No, she didn't."

Jess let out a breath and nodded. He took an exit at an rest area, stopped the car and looked at Rory. "OK. Go ahead." She hesitated, suddenly scared. She looked at him and saw Jess' stern face, but he wasn't angry, he just seemed… sad. She tried to gather her thoughts but he talked before she could start. "Fuck this, Rory. I know we said a month but I don't give a damn, you're pregnant with Logan's baby, there's no erasing that. Go ahead, tell me. You don't need to spare me, it's unrealistic to think that shit is not going to get complicated, and I know that. I knew since the beginning, and I'm here."

He grabbed her hand and she exhaled, relieved. For a moment she thought he was calling it quits. She kissed his hand. "I went to see Logan in London before Christmas, to tell him, and to bring a contract so I could stay… independent in the matter and do things my way. He hasn't signed it back yet. He said he didn't want to do anything I would feel uncomfortable with, but he hasn't signed it still, and that does make me uncomfortable."

"Why?"

"I… dread not being able to do things my way."

"And… what is your way?"

"I want the baby to be a Gilmore and not linked to the Huntzberger money in any way. I want to make the major life decisions." Jess stood, quiet, never averting her gaze. She decided to go on openly. "I want Logan to be in the baby's life in the way my father was never there, like… just there, you know? But not with me. I'm not sure he's going to agree to that."

"Why not?" She didn't know if it was possible, but Jess looked hopeful and defeated at the same time.

"I… I don't want to start a family with him. You know that, right?" The corner of his mouth hitched a little, and she squeezed his hand. "And I know he knows this because I've been really clear about it, but… I don't think he agrees. And it was fine, I think it was fine for him all these years not being officially with me because it meant his family could have his way and have him married with someone more… suitable, and he didn't have to defend me as I was lurking in the shadows, in a comfortable place for him where he could have it both ways, but that arrangement has gone wrong now, and it's going to force him to make a decision between what he would want to do and his family. And I don't want any of those options. I just want to do my thing… without being unfair to anybody, but I'm not sure everything is possible."

Jess shifted on his seat and cleared his mouth. "What do you think he wants?"

Rory looked Jess in the eye and held his stare. She couldn't break it, she didn't want to avoid his judgement, or to conceal her fears. "I…I think he would like to start a family if I was willing. But, since he can't have that… I'm afraid he will try to stay as closely connected to me as possible – even if it means going against my will. Or… perhaps not. Perhaps it's just fear talking."

"OK, let's recap here – what's the worst that could happen?" Rory hesitated. "He can't marry you by force, to begin with. Granted, he could want a bigger involvement, and to be honest, would you deny that, since you've told him and all? The baby would be half a heir of an empire, sure, but it's not like it would be born in a Syrian refugee camp, you know? Worst case scenario, you would share custody with a guy who, as much as it hurts to say, must be good enough to have had your affection all these years – so he couldn't be _so_ bad. Why are you so worried?"

"Well… did you meet my grandparents? Imagine them on steroids – that's my baby's half family. And then…"

"Yeah?"

She almost whispered, afraid of what she was saying. "Well… you."

"What about me?"

"I… don't know. But I know I don't want to make it hard on you, or make you jealous, because there's nothing to worry about on that regard."

"Are you seriously worried about _that_?"

"I… yeah. I am. I… fuck, this is so hard, we weren't supposed to be talking about this stuff so soon."

Jess gave a dry laugh. "Come on, Ror… why are you so worried?"

She doubted for a second and then decided to make things as diplomatic as possible, she didn't want to put the burden on him so soon. "Well, it's just that I didn't want you to be involved in all of this so we could focus on us. It's been so long in coming – I still feel that there's so much to do before making up for the lost years. But I guess… I guess there's no escaping reality anymore."

He gave her a weird look – he seemed pained, and she wondered if she had said the wrong thing, if she should have told him that she already knew that he was _it_ for her. But it was too soon, she didn't want him to commit to being with someone who was pregnant and had all the family problems in the book so fast, it would have been too selfish – too _old Rory_. He looked around and opened the door.

"Let's go."

She followed him, confused. "Where are we going?"

He grabbed her hand and pressed on, without speaking. He went around the deserted picnic tables of the rest area and got into the men's toilet, locking the door. She was at a loss. "What are we doing?"

"Making up for lost time while there's actually time."

He crashed against her mouth with an urgency that startled her, undoing the buttons of her shirt roughly. At first she stood frozen, but then she realized that he was right, that there would be perhaps no more time to stay in that peaceful, happy moment they had created, and then she grew as desperate as he was, and got rid of her trousers, leaving them on the sink. He then hoisted her against the wall and pushed her panties aside to penetrate her, and the strength with which he pushed, and grabbed her, and kissed her matched her own, and she knew that he would be fearing, same as she was, that it was the last time he was inside her.

* * *

They drove the last stretch to Stars Hollow in silence, Jess caressing her thigh softly from time to time. He dropped her a couple streets away from her house.

"I still want to know, Ror. I still want you to tell me who told your grandmother and why she's angry." Rory sighed, smiling sadly. "And I still want to spend New Year's Eve with you."

"Me too. And I want to tell you – I want to tell you everything, all the time. Nothing has changed for me."

He leaned to kiss her softly. "Just call me whenever you're ready. I'll be at my mom's."

She nodded and went out.


	26. Worrying News

**Worrying News**

The lights were on in the Crap Shack. Rory considered the possible scenarios that should make her dread the talk that was coming, and out of the blue started laughing. What was she afraid of? Of her grandmother, who had more than once forced people to act her way for selfish reasons and by cunning means, with terrible consequences for the ones she loved the most? Of her mom, who had messed up her own love life many times, delaying her happiness for years? She took a step and felt the tenderness at her core, a flesh reminder of a different way of doing things, of a new and whole approach to life, filled with love and self-acceptance and joy, of the person that represented that for her – of Jess, who everyone had mistaken as the wrong option, but who seemed to her as the only one who had got it right time and again. She pressed on, the memory of his sex in her body a keepsake of everything that was fair and worth fighting for. She got in the house and her mom jumped to hug her.

"Where is grandma?"

"Oh, I've missed you, too, loinfruit. She's waiting for you at the inn – she'll be staying there." Rory went for the door, but Lorelai stopped her. "Not so fast! Don't you want to talk about it?"

"Well, yeah… but I also want to find out who told her and get it over with as soon as possible. Do _you_ know who told her?"

Her mom shook her head. "I can imagine two options, though."

Rory sighed. "Same as me, and I couldn't tell which one seems worse."

Her mom kissed her. "Go ahead. I'll wait for you here."

Rory nodded and went to the door, but turned before leaving. "Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"I do know my _it_."

Her mom smiled softly. "Well… in that case, I couldn't be happier for you."

"For real?"

"For real… this time." Rory felt a tear falling down her cheek and a weight being lifted, a weight that was so old she hadn't even realized it was there. Her mom must have understood because she nodded, wiping a tear from her cheek that mirrored her daughter's. "Go on, kiddo – face that Nantucket kraken, and then go and be happy."

Rory inhaled deeply and headed for the inn.

* * *

She found her grandma having a Scotch in the deserted reading room of the Dragonfly Inn.

"Rory!" Her grandma got up and hugged Rory warmly, confusing her a great deal. "Oh, don't be surprised, I still love you and I'm happy that I'm going to be a great grandmother. But that doesn't mean I'm not angry for the way the news were broken to me. Do you know how hard it was to face that man without knowing, how utterly clueless I felt? It was mortifying, and you've been appallingly silly – to give up the kid's share of what's rightfully his or hers! Are you mad? Still, I believe things will be looking up to you very soon."

"Was it Mitchum? What did he tell you?"

"Oh, it was typical Mitchum. He first scolded _me_ for my voluntary work in the museum, as if it somehow tainted _him_ in any way. I was mystified – why did that man care what I did or didn't do with my spare time? And then he started blabbing about how great Logan had been doing these past years without you, and how wealthy and wonderful Odette's family was, and how inappropriate of Logan was to cancel the whole wedding for your _stupid little mistake, that should have been taken care of in due time –_ his words, not mine."

It was as if her worst fears were coming to life. "Logan cancelled the wedding? What else did he say?"

"He said that it was your _silly_ – my adjective, his was cruder – contract, so unselfish, so forgiving, that had sealed the deal for him, that had made him realize there would be no way of doing things the proper way if he married Odette, and that Logan had cancelled the wedding to be the father _that the kid deserved_ , and then came another long-winded speech about her family's suitability as opposed to ours. Oh, I'm so glad that Richard wasn't there to hear him, he would have died right there. So, what do you have to say?"

There was only one way to put it, and there were no manners in the world to hold it back. "Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck. What a pig-headed idiot! Doesn't he know what _no_ means? Fuck! Fuck, fuck!"

"I'm starting to regret all the money spent in your education, young lady." Rory looked at her grandmother, who seemed eerily calm. "What is it, Rory? Are you not happy by the turn of events? Because, to me, the whole situation seems quite convenient. Logan is free now."

There was something off, she could feel it. It all sounded typically Emily Gilmore, all very pragmatic, all very _convenient_ , but she didn't seem excited about that particular turn of events. "You don't want me to marry him, do you?"

She saw the slightest nervous tremble in her grandma's eye, indiscernible to anyone who didn't know her well, but she saw it. Her grandma emptied her Scotch gracefully and left the glass on the table with enough force so as to call the waiter's attention, who looked terrified at her. She pointed at the empty glass with an inane smile. "Who cares what I think? Nobody tells me anything, I'm just a clueless old lady who was a mean mother, forcing her daughter to live in a barn when she got pregnant at 16. What do I know?"

Self deprecation never suited her grandmother, but Rory pitied her. "Grandma: let me save the whole year in my schedule to try to make up to you for not telling you earlier, but, please, tell me now – what do you think? Your honest opinion." That confounded her. Emily Gilmore hesitated, and Rory pressed on. "Let me warn you, though – your opinion is not going to make me change mine in regards to what's already decided. But, still, I want to know. I always appreciate your insight."

"I… don't want to say anything that could push me away from my great grandkid. I don't want to miss it. It's the first thing I've really looked forward since… oh, it doesn't matter."

It did. Rory felt a lump in her throat. She always tried to fight off the sorrow when thinking that his grandfather would never meet the baby, regardless of how angry he would have been for the whole situation, and she suddenly felt grateful that her grandmother was still there. "It does to me, grandma. I'm so happy that the baby is going to have you. I'm so scared about so many things, and I've messed up, I've messed up more than I'd like to admit, but if I think about that, about the amazing things that the three Gilmore girls are going to enjoy together about this baby, it doesn't seem so bad, you know?"

She could barely finish without sobbing. Her grandmother was crying too, so she hugged her. "Thank you, Rory. It doesn't really matter what I think anymore – only that I'm happy. I thought I would never feel like this again, so thank you. I never want to say anything to push you away like I did with her."

"I don't want to be with Logan, grandma."

"Good, his father is a self-entitled twat so he probably is as well by association, and I would hate to become his family. But please, will you consider making a dent on his fortune? I so want to see that hair-implanted head of Mitchum's bursting."

Rory laughed. "I'm sorry, but I won't. I want to do things properly, away from the Huntzberger influence."

Her grandma stilled, considering. She finally sighed. "OK. I'll respect your decision."

"Let's go home, grandma. You can stay in my room and I'll sleep on the couch."

Her grandmother smiled and kissed her cheek. "Rory, there's no way I'm spending another day listening to your mother babbling. I'm actually quite looking forward to a quiet night. But thank you." Rory returned the kiss and got up. "Rory? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Honestly?" Her grandma nodded. "I was afraid you would throw a tantrum at Mitchum before Logan signed the contract."

Emily smiled. "That really does sound like something I would do. I'll see you both for breakfast tomorrow before heading back."

Rory went out of the inn confused with the news and with how well her grandmother had taken everything. She didn't know if it was the therapy, his grandad's death or her pregnancy reminding her how she lost Lorelai once, but whatever had prompted that change in Emily Gilmore, she was grateful for it. And her mom seemed OK with her loving Jess... Perhaps she would be able to focus on making things right from then on without having to worry about what everyone else thought about her decisions. She grabbed her phone to ring Jess before going home.

"Hey."

"Hi. So… I talked to my grandma already, everything's OK, so you don't need to worry, but if you can get out for a while I'd like to tell you the details in person." She didn't want to discuss the most worrying part over the phone.

"Thanks for ringing, and I'm glad everything's good, but I don't think I can get out right now… I'm, huh, getting a makeover and watching Frozen."

"Ask me for anything in the world and I'll give it to you if you send pictures – the Golden Fleece, a unicorn's horn, whatever. Gosh, I so wish I was there."

Jess laughed. "I'm _so_ glad you are not. It's getting very gender puzzling, I'm extremely disturbed. And high on nail polish."

"You are the best. I l…" She stopped right before blurting it out. "…See you tomorrow?"

Jess was quiet for a few seconds. "Sure, Ror. I'll call you after breakfast, I'm making Doula my infamous pancakes."

"Stop this, honestly – it's cruel. Could the Golden Fleece buy me at least some of those pancakes?"

"Sleep well, Ror. I'll… miss you."

"Me too, Jess. A lot."


	27. Makeover

**Makeover**

"Look at my beloved kids having a sleepover!" Liz kissed Doula and Jess loudly. "Jess, I really like those braids on you, and that color compliments your eyes. Oh, let me bring you some carrots with my homemade beetroot hummus dip, you'll love it – it's organic."

Liz got out of his sister's room and Jess relaxed a little. Liz still made him tense after all those years.

"Who called before, Jess? Why did you go out to talk?"

"Can you stop being so smart, Doula? If you hadn't noticed I wouldn't have to tell you, and now I do because, for the life of me, I cannot lie to you." His sister looked at him with a serious face. "It was Rory, OK?"

"I knew it! Does she love you? Oh, she does, that is so obvious. Are you two going out now? Are you in love?"

Jess exhaled. "I don't know if she loves me, but we have started to go out, yes."

"I'm afraid I still haven't become dumb, Jess. So, do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Love her! Do you love her?"

Jess grumbled. "Yes. I love her. Fuck. I mean, jeez – please don't tell mom I said that."

"Whoa, you really love her!"

Liz came in with the dip in that exact moment. "Love who? Are you in love, Jess?"

Doula looked appalled for having betrayed his secret, and he felt sorry for her even though he was a bit mad. He patted her shoulder so she wouldn't feel bad. "I love Elsa, from Frozen – she's so strong."

Liz gave him a knowing smile. "Right, right. Well, I'll leave you kids to your hummus. Enjoy!"

* * *

Doula fell asleep after Jess read her two chapters from _The Witches_ , and he went quietly to the couch. He had hoped Liz would be sleeping, but there she was, sitting on the kitchen table with all the lights off except for a small lamp, having what was probably some very nasty herbal tea concoction.

"Sit down, Jess."

Jess sat in front of her. "I'm not up for this, Liz. You can't pry into my personal life without me allowing you."

"Why are you still so bitter?"

"I'm not bitter, we're just not close."

"Then let's be. I want nothing more than that."

"I'm not sure I can."

"Why?"

"Did you learn your conversation skills from Doula? That _why_ thing sounds very first grade to me."

He knew he had been cruel and he regretted it, but he didn't know how to break that old pattern. "You know, I've seen you change over the years, Jess, and I'm so proud of you, of the man you've become, but it always irks me that you still behave with me when I try to get close as that angsty teenage boy, as if you got stuck in time somehow. You don't do it with anyone else."

He exhaled. "You're right. But I don't know how to undo it."

"Great, we're making progress here. So, hear me out – I know you have reasons to be angry at me, I won't deny it. I've known for a very long time, and believe it or not, I've made an effort to become better. But it hasn't made any difference to the way you behave with me, and I've been wondering for some years now if perhaps I should acknowledge this to you, as a sort of cue for you to try something different."

"I have noticed, Liz, just so you know. I'm still unsure, though."

"Was it that bad?"

He didn't want to dwell on the past. "Yes. But let's not talk about it."

"Why not? I'm ready, Jess. I will listen to anything you have to say, regardless of how bad it is."

"I'm not ready, Liz."

"Will you ever be?"

"I… I don't know."

"Do you honestly believe that I could harm you or Doula in any way?"

He considered it. "No. Not anymore."

"Then, can you at least accept my apologies? I know they won't make you forget what a terrible mom I was, but that and staying good are the only things I can offer you, since I can't change the past."

"Yes… apologies accepted. But promise you'll be good to Doula no matter what, and support her always, even if she does wrong someday. I… don't wish anybody in the world to feel so lonely as I felt."

"That I can promise. And perhaps one day, when she grows up and you have verified that I kept my promise, you'll be able to trust me back, and then I will die happy. I won't ask anything else until then. I know you always respect me in front of Doula. I know, Jess, and you don't know how grateful I am. For that, and for being the best brother ever."

Liz stood up and kissed Jess on the cheek. Jess wondered for a split second if he would have been a better parent if he had got a kid at his lowest, at 17, and couldn't tell. He suddenly wasn't so angry at Liz anymore.

"Liz?" She turned before opening the door to her room. "I'm in love – not with Elsa, from Frozen."

She nodded. "Did it ever stop?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Does she love you back?"

"I don't want to jinx it, but… maybe."

"If so, let her. That means letting go of any bitterness, but once you do... The warmth, Jess – I don't know anyone in this world who deserves to be loved more than you do."

Liz got in her room and disappeared, engulfed by TJ's snoring. Jess stayed at the table looking out the window, wishing for a cigarette. He felt suddenly grateful for not having had to deal with an unplanned pregnancy, and thought how heightened his mistakes would have been if he had found himself in the same situation as Liz, Lorelai or Rory. Yeah, he could grasp how guilty Rory felt about everything, and felt pride at how she was handling things, trying to make everything better for the baby. A shadow broke the stillness of the deserted street in that cold winter night – it was Kirk, carrying packages up and down, and then shushing a group of dancers that appeared out of thin air rehearsing some sort of choreography that reminded him of birds flying. Jess pondered how surreal everything seemed, being in love with Rory again and back in Stars Hollow, and how uncannily right a setting that cooky town was for a love story that defied all logic.


	28. Talking Boys

**Talking Boys**

Lorelai woke Rory up with a steaming cup of decaf coffee as a lure. Luke had opened the diner in the end – he had said there was no reason for Rory to do so, since he was already there, but she had a hunch he wanted Lorelai and her to have a private conversation, since they had repressed any serious talk about Logan the night before while in front of him.

"Jeez, hon, get up! I need more info before meeting your grandma or I will explode."

"I don't know much more than what I told you yesterday, and I seriously don't know what to do. I feel like I should call Logan to stop him from showing up with a diamond ring the size of my head."

"OK, that's _so_ not what I wanted to talk about, and you know."

"Oh." She wondered if she had rushed confessing to her mom that there was an _it_.

"Oh, indeed _._ You, dear daughter, have an aura."

"A what?"

"A halo, a layer of glow about you that has nothing to do with the pregnancy and a lot with love-making. Gory details are in order now."

"No way in hell."

"A summary."

"Nope."

"A headline, please! Go on, share a bit of that halo, I'd like to forgo foundation today – do it for my skin."

"I… what can I say? You know it when you find it."

Lorelai grinned. "You _so_ do, right?"

"Yeah… It's quite overwhelming."

"Now we're talking – you mean size, right?"

"Mom!"

"I bet he looks super relaxed too, like you've been, what – virgin to each other for 15 years? What a build-up! Perhaps we see a new side of him now and he becomes super chill and goes to catch waves and drink chai tea and knit scarves and salute the sun every morning."

"Your relaxation references disturb me."

"Well, get used to it because that's the new Jess. Whoa, I said his name, I just made this thing real. Jess and Rory, Rory and Jess, all lovey-dovey."

"Mom… my _it_ is Kirk."

"What?!"

"Ha! Eat that, you mean teaser. Now put those all those well endowed-chai drinker-yoga instructor jokes into your Kirk's mental image and repent!"

"My eyes! My mind's eyes! Oh, you're going to pay for this." Lorelai grabbed one of Rory's Yale sweaters and put it on, and then grabbed a stack of books and pranced around the room. " _Jess, kiss me, you're such a bad boy, I love your leather jacket, can you sign my book, you're so hot._ He's really hot, though, has he told you what he's being doing?"

"I forgot to ask."

"Of course, the muscles dazzled you, it's understandable. Now, seriously: are you happy?"

"I'm… freaking scared."

"Do you know how he fits in the whole picture? Because you, miss, have a very complicated picture, cubist complicated, I'd say."

"I… Well…"

"Go on! You must know – you're Rory Gilmore!" For a moment Rory had felt carefree, as if discussing boys years ago with her mom, but her question felt like a bucket of ice-cold water and she started to cry. "Honey, I'm so sorry, please calm down."

"You're right! I don't have a plan! I just love him and don't want to hurt him by being the mother of Logan's bastard baby and I don't know how to be good to him and be with him at the same time. I want to be good to him, he deserves it, I don't want to mess up! I love him. I've never loved anyone else like this even though I thought I had, and I feel so stupid in the face of love now. I want him. I want to be with him. I fantasize about him reading to the mystery baby. I see him building a crib and teaching the kid to read and cooking and building a house and a thousand other domestic things and I think I don't have the right to want all of this, but I do. I'm so fucked!"

Her mom hugged her and petted her hair. "Rory, calm down. Are you serious about all this?"

"My imaginary crib has a library beside it so he has the children's books readily available. I'm that freaking serious."

"Did you know that I, being a mother, never ever felt that towards anyone while you were growing up, inside or outside of me?"

"No…"

"And, let me break the news to you – unbelievable as this may sound, do you know that it's _alright_ for people who love each other to start a family? Like, it's OK (some would even say respectable) to _not_ raise a kid as a single parent?"

"But… isn't it unfair?"

"It could be, but you're not to make that decision for him. Jess might be many things, but he doesn't strike me as someone who does stuff he doesn't want to do. Why don't you talk about it openly?"

"I want to, but I thought it was too soon."

"He knows, right?"

"Well, I figured he would either think the belly was due to a pregnancy or to my fast food consumption catching up. Of course he does!"

"And do you think he hasn't thought about this already, inside and out? Come on, Rory. He had a tough upbringing. Someone like him definitely thinks about this stuff."

"And what does that mean?"

"That if he knows, he has thought about everything, and if he has and is still giving this a go, it means that there's a very important decision that has been made already."

She hadn't allowed herself to consider that possibility, but her mom made it sound like a very clear thing. "Do you really think so?"

"I'm positive. Do you realize that, on top of being your mother, I'm about to become your step-auntie?"

"Oh jeez. I had always thought that it was weird to love my sort-of cousin, but had never thought about it the other way!"

"We should move to a caravan and start eating road-kill, honey. Your grandma is going to love this."

"Speaking of which, let's get ready."

* * *

Breakfast with the elder Gilmore was not so bad, in the end, but she couldn't shake the feeling during the whole morning that there was some impending doom approaching, and that she needed to talk to Jess and tell him about Logan before it was too late. She rang him as soon as her grandmother left for Nantucket.

"Hey."

"Hi, Jess… Did you sleep well?"

"Sort of. Not really, I couldn't stop turning. I missed you beside me."

Her stomach did summersaults. "Yeah, me too. So, can we meet? As soon as possible?"

"We can, but you're not going to like this – I agreed to lunch with Luke, he said he would convince you two Gilmore to join. So I guess we're having a weird double-date."

She cursed poor Luke for trying to push forward what was already a thing, but she mellowed when giving it a second thought. He was the only one who had always wanted them to end together. "That's alright. But tonight it'll just be us spending New Year's Eve, right?"

"Promised. What do you want to do, though? Will it not be weird that you don't spend it with your mom?"

"Nah, I have a feeling she will be alright. I'll take care of the details."

"OK, so I believe Luke will be ringing Lorelai to make this uncomfortable lunch happen. I'll see you soon."


	29. Getting Ready

**Getting Ready**

Jess arrived to Luke's diner before Rory and Lorelai. The place was deserted – his uncle had served lunch early and had closed for New Year's Eve and Day. Luke greeted him with a big hug and motioned him to a carefully set table.

"This looks really formal, uncle Luke! What's the occasion?"

Luke gave him a genuine smile, no hint of teasing. "Just happy to have you all here. And I figured you young ones wouldn't be up to a boring New Year's Eve or Day, so it works as a casual holiday get together."

Jess patted his uncle on the shoulder. "I'm happy to be here, too." Luke gave him an understanding nod and went to the kitchen. "Do you need help there?"

"Nah, just checking up on the roast, have a sit."

Lorelai and Rory arrived then, and he suddenly regretted not having given the whole greeting thing a thought. He felt really self-conscious and freaked out a little bit – he had learnt with the years to manage his social anxieties, but it was sometimes hard still when all the looks were on him, especially Lorelai's. But she was very helpful – she gave him a big hug and kiss on the cheek and went to say hello to Luke to the kitchen, and Jess took the chance to give Rory a quick peck on the lips that left her blushing. Lorelai came out and he noticed how she checked out her daughter swiftly before placing her attention on him.

"So, dear nephew! How is the New York office doing? Your uncle is mighty proud of you."

Jess was happy for Luke to be still in the kitchen, he probably would have been mortified, same as he was. "We can't complain, we're starting to receive more manuscripts than we can read in a year, so we're spoilt for choices – even if they're mostly crap."

"I'm very happy for you, kid. You did well by yourself."

Was that the Lorelai way of giving him her blessing? He looked at Rory, who has beaming. "Thanks, Lorelai. It means a lot."

"Go on, sit down you two! I'll go help the chef."

They both sat down facing each other, and Rory grinned. "Any pictures you care to share?"

Jess smirked. "I did take pictures for you, OK?" He had, there were actually very few things he wouldn't do for her. "But I cannot share them so easily. I should make them the reward for something special, because they are _very_ special – they could erase a lifetime of work on my schtick."

"What do you want? Just ask, I'll do anything." He gave her a playful smile and she blushed while running her foot along his leg, whispering. "Anything."

Jess worried that he was the one blushing then, and couldn't help notice the knowing looks Luke and Lorelai threw at them when coming out with the food.

"Luke, that's a feast worthy of King's Landing!" Rory ogled the platter of roast pork. Lorelai followed with a baking dish with potatoes and vegetables that were golden brown.

"Thanks, Rory. I had been wanting to try some recipes for a while, figured you could be my Guinea pigs."

"Can I be your Chief Executive Guinea pig? I'll do it for free."

"That position, dear loinfruit, is unfortunately already taken, but you could gladly be my vice-president – someone needs to sample those vegetables."

"I'll take what I can get."

Lunch went smoothly – Lorelai focused her banter on the myriad awkward moments Luke had had with Emily while in Nantucket, and she didn't even hint at Jess and Rory's relationship, although it was clear she knew. Jess appreciated how genuinely relaxed Lorelai acted with him, and wondered if they would finally be able to get along with each other, and if she would be happy about what was happening between them. Everything suggested that things were falling into place for him and Rory. It all seemed almost too good to be true, and he feared for a moment that it was just on the surface that things appeared to go smoothly, as there still were major things to discuss and to confess. He needed to tell Rory what he was feeling as soon as possible. They had agreed to be open, after all. He loved her, and he should tell her, unlike the last time they dated, because there was not a single thing that Jess could share about him that was more important than that. Spending a month ignoring the fact that Rory was pregnant with Logan's baby, threading lightly so as not to scare each other away, hiding their true feelings, suddenly seemed like a waste. Jess looked at Rory for the first time since his thoughts had wandered and was surprised to see she was already checking him out with a concerned face, as if she knew that he was uneasy. He did the only thing he could do to reassure her in front of that audience – he gave her a soft smile and held her gaze, trying to convey that everything was fine, better than fine, actually, and it must have worked, because the frown lines disappeared from her face, and she reciprocated with a pleased grin. Their silent exchange was interrupted by Luke, who stood up.

"Just a quick toast to end the gathering. I'm really grateful to have had the chance to end the year with the people I'd like to share all the happiness I'm sure this new year will bring – my beloved wife, and you two, who are to me as my own son and daughter. May we all have a happy, cult-less, croc-less 2017."

Lorelai and Rory wiped each a tear. Social anxieties be damned – Jess stood up and hugged his uncle. Lorelai and Rory took turns to hug Luke as well, and then both Gilmore girls stood awkwardly in front of Jess.

"Don't be a stranger, Jess. We hope to see more of you around here. I feel we haven't really exploited all the ways to drive Taylor crazy with your presence."

"Promised, Lorelai." He took the initiative for once and hugged her first, but then froze when facing Rory.

"I think the girls will want to get ready for the evening, do you mind giving me a hand to close the diner, Jess?"

"Of course."

As soon as the words left his mouth he saw Rory's face and regretted agreeing, she seemed to be anxious to get some alone time before seeing each other that evening. She hugged him quickly and kissed him on the cheek, and then Lorelai and her left.

"Look at you, Jess! You're glowing. Don't tell me you still have no feelings for her."

"Gee, uncle Luke, you're a hawk."

Luke inspected Jess' face and then it dawned on him. "You're seeing each other!"

"I somehow knew the gossip hadn't reached you yet, I couldn't picture you setting this weird double date in a thousand years."

Luke fretted. "Did I just mess a date you had? I'm such a putz. You probably wanted to be alone but instead you've had to suffer the umpteenth Emily Gilmore-bashing-Luke anecdote. Go, I don't really need a hand."

"That's alright, Luke – we're spending New Year's Eve together."

Luke exhaled. "Well, I'm glad. So… you know?"

"About what?"

"Oh… about nothing, really."

Luke seemed worried about having said too much and Jess couldn't resist making his uncle suffer a bit. "Is it about Rory? Is everything OK?"

His uncle was having a really bad time. "Sure, everything's fine, why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know, she's been like super weird around food… did you know she eats vegetables willingly now? I've been wondering…"

"What? What do you think is the matter?"

It was too much fun to stop. "Call me crazy, but… I fear she's into that organic vegetable cult now. She won't stop prattling about eating clean and stuff, it's actually quite worrying…"

"Well… an apple a day is not such a bad thing, right?"

"Are you serious? This is a Gilmore we're talking about, this must be _really_ serious. But don't worry, I have a plan for tonight – the biggest sushi and sashimi feast ever, drizzled with copious amounts of alcohol and cigars, something that reminds her how fun debauchery is. I think that should set her straight, what do you think?"

It was like watching someone trying to decide which wire to cut for defusing a bomb. "Are you sure? Perhaps it's best if you give her time to tell you herself whatever's going on…"

"Nah, and risk losing the Rory we know forever? I think this calls for a rash action. Bungee-jumping, even."

Luke seemed desperate. "Please, Jess, don't do it, just trust me on this one."

"But why? I think I like my plan, I should check if there are any bungee-jumping spots nearby. Or parachute jump venues."

"You're still an obstinate mule, did you know?"

Jess couldn't help it and bursted out laughing. "OK, OK, I'll stop – I know she's pregnant with Logan's baby, Luke."

Luke exhaled. "It's amazing how years pass and still you have the ability to make me want to throw you in the lake – in many lakes, actually. So, how do you feel about it?"

Jess tried to calm down before continuing, it was not a conversation he wanted to have while still laughing. "We're going to do this whether I like it or not, right?" His uncle nodded and Jess gave up any escape plans. "Well, it's complicated."

"Yeah, I can imagine. Still, you wouldn't date her if you knew it was going to be a problem down the way, right?"

"I know this will sound unbelievable, but it's not even my biggest concern."

"What is, then, Trump? Climate change? We're talking an innocent life here – what could be more important?"

"Well, finding out if Rory and I are suited for each other before committing to being a dad forever seems pretty important. These are not Victorian times, it's not like we're supposed to marry blindly and then stick to an unhappy relationship forever. I wouldn't want to mess with a kid's life only to disappear when shit hits the fan. I need to make sure, first."

"Fair enough, but you don't have much time to figure it out. What do you need to know?"

"I don't know… her feelings, for one? And then she's made some bad decisions these past years, I'm concerned about history repeating itself. And then perhaps we're not suited for each other. Perhaps she can't stand my reading up to late hours, or my coffee making skills, or whatever."

"Let's set the record clear, OK – do you love her?"

Jess exhaled. "Yes."

"These things you are telling me about suitability and what not are very well, very rational, but there's always a chance people will grow unsuited to each other with time. I mean that you could never ever know with 100% reliability that a relationship is not going to end up eventually. You seem to be suited _now_ , you love her _now_ – put in the effort and have a true relationship for once. It won't be pretty sometimes, and nothing is ever going to be totally perfect – but it would be real, which is, I assure you, much more rewarding. Accept it. And if you can't – move on, for real this time. Nobody would blame you, in your position."

Luke was right. He wondered if it was some sort of karmic joke that he, who had avoided having a stable partner over the years, should encounter, when the possibility for a _real_ relationship came up, all the difficulties in the book. It was probably the biggest test he had ever faced in his life. "I'll think about everything, Luke. Can I stay upstairs until I leave later? I could use a shower and some time to think."

"Of course." He thanked his uncle with a nod and went to the stairs, but Luke stopped him. "What I did right there, Jess, was not because I think you're reckless, but just so you could talk about it with someone. I know you'll do the right thing."

"I know, Luke. It's just that there are many possible right paths at the moment, but just one heart to follow – but it's still hard to turn the mind off. Thanks for the pep talk, anyway."

Jess went upstairs and checked his phone. Rory had texted him to meet at the bridge at 7pm. He got in the shower and got ready for the most important conversation he would ever have.


	30. Carry that Weight

**Carry that Weight**

Mother and daughter were mad busy all afternoon preparing the New Year's Eve Rory had envisioned for her and Jess. If she had learnt anything from the Logan era it was how to throw a theme party. She had a feeling that Jess wasn't one for grand gestures; but she was, in a way, and she wanted to express how much she cared about him by putting the effort and doing something special. To her, it was as if she was able somehow to accept the better part of the Rory she had come to despise, and it felt good – she wanted to show him that side of her, too. It was, after all, where she came from. Lorelai had lent her the detached suite of the Dragonfly Inn, and they were both running around town trying to gather as much decorations as possible to turn it into a replica of CBGB. Lane provided a lifetime's worth of punk memorabilia and posters that ended up covering up all the walls of the room. She also lent the music, and when she asked Rory what it was for and she promised to tell her soon, Rory thought that perhaps Lane already knew, judging by the way she smiled.

The bed was rearranged to give as much space as possible to some tables and chairs, and Al reluctantly lent them, after an epic head-hammering Lorelai plea, a couple neon signs that they hung up on the walls. Granted, "TAKE AWAY - OPEN" and an outdated Pepsi logo weren't exactly the punkest neons in the world, but once they were put up they gave the room the lighting it needed, and it suddenly felt like a bar. In an unprecedented gesture, and considering how she had hated Jess, Lorelai volunteered to sew a makeshift awning out of some old bed linen to which she stuck the CBGB logo cut out from cheap upholstery fabric remnants. They hung it out as good as they could on top of the suite's entrance, and then Lorelai hugged her and left, wishing her the year she knew she deserved. Rory then made herself over as a loose interpretation of Joan Jett from The Runaways, complete with a chopped black wig and leather jacket. The Sex Pistols t-shirt she put on, all torn up, highlighted her bump, and overall she was proud of the look – she did look really punk with her pregnancy in contrast to her disheveled clothes and makeup. She wished that Jess would appreciate her imagery – after all, her fondest memories of them back in the day included music conversations, The Distillers concert Jess had invited her to, and that vintage vinyl shop in New York. And even if he didn't understand, it didn't matter – she would make sure to explain to him thoroughly what he meant. She was as nervous as a school girl when she headed for the bridge, excited to meet her true love, and to welcome with him whatever the New Year had in store for them.

She had just enough time to make it to the appointment spot fashionably late, but then she started encountering unexpected setbacks. She first run into Kirk by the gazebo, who tried to lure her into checking out an absurd self-exhibition on the house by the muddy river. He was really pushy asking where she was headed that was more important than his art, but he let her go once she told him she was headed for the bridge, as if she somehow would change her mind about the exhibition once she was in the vicinity. She passed by Miss Patty's studio and nearly tripped over a pretty toddler who was dressed as an astronaut. She was really sorry for the poor little girl and petting her hair when Miss Patty snatched the girl and motioned her to the studio, secretively sliding the doors behind her. Rory suddenly felt weirded out. There was something going on. As if trying to run away from that uncanny feeling, she pressed on, anxious to meet Jess as soon as possible, and just as she reached the muddy river and the path that run alongside towards the bridge, Kirk, dressed as a sci-fi character from the the space era, jumped out of nowhere.

"Miss, has a stork ever made it to the moon and back?"

Oh, no. Rory didn't answer and just started running, but out of the woods emerged a flock of huge storks, only they were not birds, really, but eerie dancers clad in orange leggings and feathery black and white tutus batting their wings elegantly, surrounding her. She considered running the last 200 yards up to Jess, but wherever she went the storks followed her without saying a word, and she decided against it, against directing that surrealistic experience to him, and especially the man that she was sure was behind it all. She then retraced her steps, looking around for Logan, but before she left the riverside an apparition crossed the path – it was the little astronaut girl again, who then said her name. A line of fairy lights that looked like clusters of galaxies lit up in the middle of the woods, drawing a perfect path amongst the trees, and the little girl followed it, laughing, and Rory in turn followed her. The storks suddenly returned, obscuring the end of the path that was drawing near, and one took the little girl and put her in a bundle, and the little girl waved at her in the stork's arms while telling her _see you maybe in six months, Ace_. The storks disappeared into the night and Rory started crying, overcome by the cuteness of the astronaut as a placeholder of her own growing baby, by the image of clueless Jess, who would be worrying on the bridge, and by fear of having her past and future clashing so undeniably in the present, where she had hoped to live a carefree life. She wiped her tears and the end of the path appeared, blurry. There, in a clearing of trees, lay a rocketship casting a pale light, and beside it stood Logan.

"I made it back, Ace."


	31. Out of the Box

_A/N: I'm back, and I plan to see this through :) Thanks for your patience._

 **Out of the Box**

Rory fell on her knees, dry leaves crushing beneath her, but she didn't notice the sounds they made, or what Logan was doing, because she buried her face in her hands and started shaking her head, as if she could send the woods, rocket ship and Logan away by doing so.

"No. No, no, no, no, no. It's not fair! It's really not fair!"

She was about to burst into tears when she felt Logan's hands grabbing her by the shoulders.

"Ace, ACE! Calm down, you're freaking out there."

Yeah, freak out. She was freaking out big time. She lifted her head but didn't look at Logan, she turned her face and looked towards the direction of the bridge. It was so near. She made a violent motion and stood up. She could make it. She could still run to Jess and explain that she didn't want any of this, that she wanted _him_. But Logan grabbed her by the hand and turned her around.

"Rory! Stop. There's no big threat here to prompt that flee or fight response. This is unfair – you don't even know what I'm here for. Look at me."

Something in the way he rationally summarized her reaction made Rory stop and think. She couldn't tap-dance away her fears in that situation. Sooner or later, she would need to face the fact that Logan had broken down his engagement, that he was the baby's father, and that she wanted to be with Jess. She took a deep breath. No more running away.

"OK. Sorry about that. You really caught me off guard and in a really bad moment. I was on my way to meeting someone who will be waiting for me."

Rory could swear Logan winced.

"Alright. Then call that person and tell them you're late. It's what mobile phones were invented for, right? There was no being late in landline times."

Right. Mobile. Rational, adult behaviors. Rory took her phone out and rang Jess, but it run out of battery and went off before it could dial even once.

"Fuck!"

"You seemed really upset about being late for this particular appointment. Was it a date?"

Rory looked up and found a blank mask on Logan's face.

"Yes."

"Not a first date with some random guy, I assume, since you're this interested. Not Paul, either."

"No, none of that."

Logan was definitely wincing.

"It's the writer, right?" Rory must have conceded with her face, because Logan didn't need a confirmation to start venting. "I knew it, I fucking knew it! You said in London there was nothing there. You said there was nothing there back at Yale, but I always knew there was, he has that aura about him, like you will always be star-crossed lovers to him and he cannot let go. What is it? Is he going to be our baby's daddy? Is that what this is about? That's why you wanted me out of the picture? Is he so pathetic that he's willing to be the father to someone else's baby just for a chance to get in your pants?"

"That's the most disgusting thing that must have ever left your mouth. And I didn't want you out of the picture, for your information, I just didn't want my picture to be modeled after yours anymore!"

"Wow, Ace, nice low blow. So you are saying what, that I forced my lifestyle on you?"

"Are you talking about low blows? After you just implied that the reason I wouldn't want a Huntzberger heir – which, let me remind you, you spent many years fighting off yourself – is because there's a new man on the picture? So, that's what I am to you, right? Rory Gilmore, the perfect white canvas girlfriend! She will become whatever you want her to be if you date her, she's so gullible, so malleable! Rory Gilmore dates an ice skater and suddenly relaunches the Ice Capades! Rory Gilmore, unexpected baseball aficionado thanks to his new boyfriend! Rory Gilmore, joins the Life and Death Brigade, steals a yacht, becomes the Jet Set's sweet heart! Date Rory, and see what she becomes next!" Rory could have gone on, but something about what she had just said chilled her soul, and when she talked again, she came out colder. "You are like the lot of them."

"What lot? What are you talking about?"

"Like everyone else – like my mom, like my grandparents, like Stars Hollow's inhabitants, like everyone who's seen me or known me for a while. You want to put me into your pre-built Rory image space and won't allow anything that departs from your mental picture, and if I do get out of that picture, you'll just blame someone else, something else, as if I didn't have my own hopes and ideas, as if I didn't make my own mistakes, because that would collide with the fake perfect Rory you wished for yourself. You don't care for the real me, for the one that messes up and has a voice. You just care about yourself and about a Rory that doesn't exist anymore, that perhaps never existed. But I'm not having it. You won't guilt me into being that puppet. What are you here for? Speak your mind, and expect me to have an opinion about it. You've made it this far, after all."

Logan seemed defeated, but as much as Rory had spoken truths hard to swallow, he didn't appear angry. If anything, he looked sad. "Me and Odette broke up."

"I know. You father told my grandmother. So, what?"

"It's not what you think, OK? I'm not here to propose to you. I know you're your own person, Rory. Believe it or not, I love that person, however difficult it has been all along to accept that you sometimes didn't want the same thing as I did. I told Odette about the baby, about how I wanted to be in its life, and she didn't think it was such a great idea, so she gave me an ultimatum: to give the baby up or to break up. So I chose the second option. "

"Oh." Rory was shocked, and a bit ashamed to have assumed that Logan broke up with Odette to be with her.

"Oh, indeed. I listen to you, OK? I'm not blind, either. I heard what you said in London, I heard what you said at the inn the night the baby was conceived. I've seen you these last two years with me. I know I'm not _it_ for you. You don't need to spell it out." Rory looked down, feeling mortified. "And please, don't give me that look, I don't need you to pity me, either. I actually think you're not _it_ for me either."

"Am I not?"

Logan laughed. "No, Ace, you are not. But you have been until very recently. If there's ever been such a thing in my life, it definitely has been you, and I will always love you for that. And you know it will be the same way for you – we know each other better than probably anyone else. We've been through thick and thin. We've supported each other, and made each other laugh, and loved each other in any way our sometimes sad lives allowed, which was perhaps not romantically standard most of the times, but real, so don't give me any of that _Rory Gilmore is your Barbie_ _doll_ shit. I won't put you in any preconceived box, so don't do that to me either. And forgive me about my earlier Jess rant. You see? I _do_ know his name and can be civil about the whole thing, even if I momentarily lapsed into puberty. To be completely honest, I'm still jealous of the guy. I'm jealous about the way I imagine he makes you feel. I'm jealous that it's not us – even if I know we're not that anymore, I would still trade whatever future love stories I may have for a chance for both of us to go back there, because you're an amazing woman. But I know it's not going to happen, so hear me out here, Ace."

Rory realized she had been crying silently. They were the saddest tears she had ever shed, filled with understanding of how complicated life could be, and of real love – that burns, then warms, and sadly ends. She felt old. "OK. Tell me."

"Let's do this. Let's do this together. We might not be a couple, but we love each other – let's find a way to be both mother and father to the child without letting all of this back story get in the way. I am _the_ Huntzberger heir, there's no turning back at this stage, so there will probably be some family drama involved, especially concerning the grandparents, but fuck it. You want to go work in a diner and start from scratch? Do it, I'll respect your choice, but don't wipe me out because I will inherit a media empire. Think about your mom. Think about how she tried to avoid the complications her family brought by removing them from the picture and how she had to find a way to live with everything in the end, to work through the problems that had fossilized years before. Let's avoid a huge clash later in the baby's life… let's just deal with the small, daily implications of that clash, little by little, so this complicated mess gets sorted out as we go along and there are no huge dramas further down the way. I think we can do it. Here." Logan went to the rocketship, grabbed a bag that was hidden behind it and took the contract Rory had given him. "Your contract, signed. Sorry it took so long, but I also needed to leave everything settled. It hurt at the time, but I believe this is the best… for the Huntzbergers. They way things work in my family are not really… fair, shall we say, with the female side, so I thought it would be unfair to Honor that our kid would suddenly upstage her, or her girls. So I agree that it's best to leave the family money out. But I discussed things with my sister and she agreed that the kid should be as well cared for as any of hers, so I made a trust for it, and that money will cover tuitions, insurances and things like that as it's done with hers. Whatever else I will put from my money. There's an addenda at the end, go through it with your lawyers and let me know. Think about everything, Ace."

Logan was still holding out the contract for her, but instead of taking it, she looked at his face, and saw a greatness there that she recognized as Logan's best side, and what got her in love with him in the first place. She forgot about the contract and hugged him, crying. "Thanks, for everything. Thank you for being the man I fell in love with. And thank you for making me proud of the father the baby is going to have." She broke the hug and looked at him, smiling. "I will always love you, Logan. I know we'll make this work."

"Me too, Ace. Let's talk about it more when you're ready, so you can finally tell me everything I'm dying to know about the pregnancy. And don't worry… about him. Just be happy, and I'll support you." Rory nodded, smiling, and kissed him on the cheek. "Go, you're awfully late."

"And you're _awfully_ British, Mister Huntzberger."

Logan pushed her gently, motioning her to go, and she stepped backwards, never breaking eye contact with him. He laughed at this, and bowed his head before turning and leaving while Rory watched him go. Once he was out of sight she breathed deeply several times, wiped her face in an attempt to blindly fix what would probably be a non-waterproof mascara mess and turned to go meet Jess. But she didn't have to walk long, because as soon as she started moving, the man himself appeared from behind the trees.


	32. The Right Choice

**The Right Choice**

Jess had always had a great instinct about life changing moments — after all, he had the sensitivity of a real writer — and so what he heard while hiding beneath the trees shook him to the core. As much as he was in pain he was in awe. Those two people in front of him had reached a point in their relationship that he had never experienced, or even dreamed of, for himself. They had fucked up many times, and still they were there, with the pain, the complications, but also the beauty – of sharing the new life they had created together, of becoming better for the sake of the other – while he was there with no remarkable background to speak of. He felt, in a way, like a child that does not have the experience to cope with adult matters, and so, unable to make out what it all meant for him, for his heart, for Rory, he put what he had witnessed in the box of unattainable things, a mental space that contained events that were normal for most people, but unfortunately not for him — the warmth of growing in a nurturing family, the happiness of saying _I love you_ to someone and receive the same words in return, the beauty of getting to know and care so much for someone that no quarrel or setback, however major, can erase that fact.

He hadn't meant to listen. He was getting nervous by the bridge while waiting for Rory, who was really late, and was considering to head back to town to look for her when the briefest of phone calls startled him. It had been Rory, but when he returned the call her mobile was off. He decided to leave, but then, as he was heading back, those crazy stork dancers had appeared in the middle of the woods. They were not dancing anymore, but walking towards town, as himself, while getting away from a lit path in the middle of the woods. He left the storks and followed that eerie path, who knows why, and at the end he made out the figures of Rory and blonde dick. He felt hurt and betrayed at that moment, knowing that it was neither logical nor fair to feel so, as he didn't know what was going on, and decided to step back and give them space to work their things out. But then he heard that Rory was upset and couldn't fight the primal need to watch for her, and so he had approached them silently, kicking himself in the metaphoric gut for obtruding on their private conversation, but unable to leave. He then heard blonde dick talking about him, and Rory yelling back, and suddenly the whole thing was so intense that curiosity got the best of him. He could see in Rory's face, when Logan left and she turned, that he had truly messed up by standing there.

"I'm so sorry, Ror, I didn't mean to intrude. I just heard you were upset and wanted to make sure you were OK, and then… I just couldn't leave. I'm the biggest moron ever."

"No, Jess… I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I was late. You must have been really worried."

They were talking, and they were really calm despite everything, but still he could feel that a wall had been lifted between them, and he was not sure if he had put it there himself or if she was also contributing. "Don't worry, Ror. I know it was important."

She nodded and he thought she looked like a beautiful, gentle forest spirit, the paleness of her face contrasting with the darkness around her. "Are you… OK?"

He forced a smile for her. "Yeah, don't worry about me. I mean, I'm not, but that's not what's important right now."

She looked worried. "Then, what is?"

"You, Ror. You said things that got me thinking."

"Like what?"

"Like what you said about people trying to put you in a box. I hadn't noticed, but I think I do that. Like when I confronted you about being angry at your mom and being with Logan, you know? I judged things on the surface and never stopped to think what you really wanted. I'm sorry I did that."

"Don't be. I've told you before, I've never felt that way about you."

"Perhaps because you never knew how I felt inside, but if you did, I would be on the same package as Taylor, who crowned you town princess."

"You're scaring me, Jess. I don't like where this is going."

He didn't, either, but he had to, for her. "Believe me, no one likes it less than myself, but we need to go there."

"No, we don't, we just need to close this… gap" she pointed at the space between them "like we did back then, at Luke's apartment, do you remember? We just need to get used to each other again, so we can talk about everything, and not be apart."

She took a step towards him, but he retreated instinctively the same distance she had advanced. He was doing it. He couldn't believe it, but he was doing it. "It's better if we don't, Ror. Just let me finish, OK?" She nodded, fearful. "Logan… he's such a great guy. I just realized that I hated him for no reason, when I should have known that, if you had chosen him, and being you, well, _you_ , there must have been a great reason behind your choice. I know that now. The way you love each other… that's a real family right there, Ror. I guess that's where relationships go eventually, you know? It's deeper, perhaps not so exciting, but real. Maybe what we've had this past week, as amazing as it was, looks more appealing now, but that… that looked like the foundation for a great family with Logan, and I can't be the guy that stands in the way of that. I could never forgive myself."

"You've misunderstood what went on there, Jess. It's not like that, and it's not your decision to make."

"I didn't misunderstand, I swear. I'm not saying you were untruthful or that I should decide for you because you're… how did you put it? The _perfect blank canvas girlfriend_. I just think that you have a better shot at happiness there. And to me, that's all that matters, always. I told you that if I felt, at any stage, that I was going to hurt you, I would disappear, and so I will."

"You're being an idiot, Jess! Stop this bullshit already. It's like… back in the day. Face what you're fearing."

"It's not fear, Ror, and you can't make this decision for me."

Something about that last line defeated Rory, and she nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry. You have the right to decide whatever you think is best. The wording doesn't really matter."

"You don't need to apologize, Ror. We agreed we would try, no hard feelings. I wouldn't change what we've had for anything, but I think it's smartest to stop before we do damage that can't be undone."

Rory lowered her head and Jess could have sworn she was repressing a sob.

"So, this is goodbye?"

"Please, Ror, don't put it like that."

Rory lifted her head and nodded. "OK. I can't really do this. I wouldn't change what we've had for anything either. So, good luck, Dodger. For real."

Jess saw Rory hesitating, as if considering closing the gap for a last kiss, but then she turned and left quickly, almost running. Jess watched her until she reached a street lamp in the distance, and with the assurance that she was safe in her town again, Jess started to cry. He believed he had done the right thing for her, but he couldn't help wishing that she had fought a little harder, that she hadn't been so quick to accept the easy way out he was giving her. At least he had finished it before there was unrepairable damage done. Logan was finally free, and probably still in love with her. Rory's best chance at family bliss was with the boyfriend and father to the baby formerly known as blonde dick, and as much as it pained him, as much as he would have given the world for her to love him back, he was glad he had made the right choice.

"Good luck, Rory. For real."


	33. Fast Forward

**Fast Forward**

January was a tough month. It started as bad as the previous year ended – with Rory crying alone at home, not wanting to disturb her mom, who was in the town's New Year's Eve celebration with Luke. Rory cried herself to sleep, and next morning, when her mom woke her up and Rory told her what had happened, Lorelai was reassuring and tender, promising her that everything would be alright, but surprisingly devoid of advice, as if the situation was too complicated, even for her. Luke was as diplomatic as her mom, and showed his concern through cooking, making sure that everything he put on Rory's plate was appealing enough to will her to eat. Rory wondered if they were thinking what she was – that she should have at least tried to tell Jess that she loved him, so at least he would make his decision with all cards face up. But if they thought she should have been more vocal, they never said. Perhaps they had arrived eventually to the same conclusion as she had when Jess had told her that it was not her decision to make – that it would be unfair to declare her love in her situation, as Jess was an honorable man who would have maybe felt compelled to stay by her side, even if he didn't want to. In the end, it didn't matter what he said was the reason for quitting. He had quitted, and that was all. Perhaps he had decided that he didn't want to be involved with a pregnant woman, and he had a right to get out of the situation as cleanly as possible.

Logan was there for her in many ways, and at least that dreadful night had brought her the consolation that he would be there for the baby. He was with her in the ultrasound that told them the baby's sex, and called her quite frequently while in London. This brought her solace. She was happy that the baby would have a real dad, unlike her when she grew up, and that she and Logan had found a way to be in each other's lives without being romantically involved. Yeah, she could really live with that. The thought of getting back together with him never crossed her mind.

Her appointment with Headmaster Charleston went better than she could have hoped for. He offered her to teach some extracurricular Literature courses and to supervise with another teacher Chilton's newspaper to get acquainted with the school system gradually, and so she was able to quit her job at the bookstore and at the diner, and still have time to kick off her masters. She considered renting an apartment in New York for the time being, but she would be too close to Jess, so on the days she had lectures she drove back and from Stars Hollow. She could have easily stayed at Paris', even if she was away at what she called "the American Surrogate Tour", which was basically a uterus casting across the country for her company, but she preferred not to until they were able to meet face to face. She hadn't broken the news yet to her friend.

Stars Hollow was tough. After much consideration, she decided to tell Babette about her pregnancy and let her spread the word over town, which took her neighbor about fifteen minutes. For a week it was impossible to venture out – everyone had an opinion on her state and love life, but the gossiping, if it didn't die out, was greatly reduced after a while, Rory imagined that thanks to some pleas from her mom and threats from Luke.

If Luke talked to Jess, he never told her, and since she couldn't have him near her to enjoy his wit and bantering, his warm breath on her neck at night, all of him around and inside her, some second hand news were not going to make things easier, so she never asked.

The one thing that gave her focus during that dreadful January was the book. She was pretty close to having a first draft, and by the end of the month, when she felt calm enough, she tackled Jess. She did it, she imagined, with the strength that many writers before her must have put into explaining really intimate and painful facts. It was tough, at the beginning, but then she wore her pain as a badge of the love story that would never come to pass. She struggled, but she went for it and spilled her heart out. When the first draft was finished, and she was able to read the whole thing in one long sitting, she realized she had gone about everything the wrong way – the book was written chronologically, but once every key moment in her life was neatly placed after the other, she started to realize that some things stood out, that some events had affected her character, her decisions and the course of her whole life in a way that defied order. She then decided to let the book rest for a while, and to come back to it later with renewed forces to tackle the whole subtext and chapter organization. She really hoped she would regain some strength soon.


	34. Paris, Texas

_A/N: Here it is, dear readers – the end of the road. If I could have chosen for myself how I would like to read the ending to a story, it would have been in one seating, so I've decided to update the latest chapters together. Thanks to everyone who's made it this far – I hope that, in the end, I could make this journey worthwhile. To all those who shared their interest, love and insight – you definitely made mine._

 **Paris, Texas**

"Hey, Gilmore. Is your life such a fun-ride that you can't even give me a call to catch up? Will I have to drag you to New York to be able to see you? The kids miss you, you know? They ask about you with puppy faces – Rory faces, if you ask me. What does that say about you? How can you make them love you and then deny them your presence? What life lesson are you teaching them here? That you cannot trust those who you love, that everybody ultimately disappears –therefore, dies? What are you, the baby-faced angel of death? I can't have any of that with my kids! Call me back. Don't, actually. Materialize here as soon as possible, or I'll kick your ass."

Rory was grabbing a coffee at her favorite place near Columbia when she heard Paris' voice message. Damn Paris. How could she say that? She felt guilty, nonetheless. But she didn't like being made feel guilty by Paris. She had just survived one of the top low months in her existence. It was time to face the kraken. She grabbed her coffee and walked briskly to her car, and when she got to Paris', half an hour later, considerably worked up after replaying in her head a thousand different ways of breaking the pregnancy news to her and her friend's reactions, she rang the bell with a force that startled her. Paris herself opened the door.

"Good! Glad I managed to kick some sense into you, Gilmore. It's just a pity that the kids are out with Doyle tonight, you won't be able to baby-face your way back to their hearts. I guess you'll just have to keep on putting the effort."

"Well, I'm glad they're not here, because I wouldn't want to teach them that friends can argue like teenagers. Wait, you must have already done that, you… stern-faced angel of anger!"

Paris burst out laughing. "Thank god you still have it, Gilmore! Show me more of it, I love it. I was getting tired of mopey Rory, dragging her sorry ass across the world without the guts to face the reality of her 30-year career and love life crisis. Tell me, how has been life kicking you in the gut lately?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, brace yourself."

Rory opened her coat, revealing her almost 5-month belly. Paris' jaw dropped. "Come inside." Rory followed her to the living room, where Paris turned and looked at her with the same face she had when she thought Rory had betrayed her to Francie. "Why didn't you tell me? Me, the single most knowledgeable person you could ask for advice on this matter? Your true friend for years?"

Rory didn't know anymore if she was hurt, angry, or sorry. "I did go through a 30-year crisis, OK? I'm still going through it, I think. I felt so lonely on this… but I couldn't do the Rory schtick anymore, I had to figure everything out on my own, figure if I wanted to keep the baby, what I wanted to do with my life, because I'm going to have to live with this decision for the rest of my life. Just me, Paris, not you, not my mom, not anyone. The thousand directions my head was pulling to were enough for me, I couldn't deal with everyone else's, so I basically shut everyone out until I was 3 months in. And then…"

"Yeah?"

"January hasn't been the greatest of months, alright?" Rory started crying. "I'm going through a lot right now. But I do need you, I do wanted to tell you, and I'm ready for some Paris bashing. But please don't ever say again that I don't love your kids, because it breaks my heart. You're right about having missed some precious months of their lives, it won't happen again. I've been selfish. I'm sorry."

Paris stood for a moment and then hugged Rory. It was one of the awkwardest hugs Rory had experienced – it tried to convey love by sheer strength, and competed in the Luke category of weird arm placements – but it felt great nonetheless.

"OK, you need to tell me everything. Sit down." Rory sat on the couch and Paris sat across her, on the coffee table. "Logan's, right?"

Rory nodded.

"And you're not getting back with him, correct?"

Rory shook her head. "But we've figured things out. He's going to be there for the baby, and support him financially, but not me. I'm doing this on my own."

"Good girl. You truly are your mom's daughter." Rory smiled. "So, how are you going to support yourself financially?"

"Chilton. I've started teaching some part-time extracurricular courses there, and I'm getting my masters at Columbia so I can eventually teach full time. That's why I came so quickly."

"Sounds sensible, but how are you going to support yourself _morally_?"

"Meaning?"

"You don't strike me as the motherly or academic type, Gilmore. It's not an insult, I'm not either. I mean that I don't think that you're going to be content with just educating your or someone else's kid. What's going to drive your professional ambition? Chilton doesn't seem to cut it."

Rory winced. If anyone was capable of seeing the wrong in the only thing that made sense for her at the moment, that was Paris. "The book."

"What book?"

"I'm writing me and my mom's story."

Paris seemed to ponder the idea. "You know, I might seem like the Ice Queen to you, but I literally just got chills from that." Rory repressed a sob. She could tell Paris was proud of her, and she couldn't remember a time where she had seen that from her – maybe when she got back to Yale. It was painful to think that both going back to Yale and the book had been prompted by Jess. "It's actually great, Rory. It's so… you. And it's funny, because I hadn't thought about it, but I see it… Yeah, it's going to be great. How did you come up with that idea?"

Rory buried her face in her hands and mumbled. "Jess."

"It's a mess? Well, everything is, wait until you go on labor."

"No, I said _Jess_. Jess gave me the idea."

"I was wondering about the breakdown, since you seem to have everything so apparently tied out, and now I see. So, Jess is back. Talk about returning from the dead." Rory glared at her friend. "Hey, I'm not judging! I mean… My Tristan meltdown doesn't qualify me to criticize anyone's love life."

Rory exhaled and explained in detail everything that had happened in the past months, about writing the book, about realizing her feelings for Jess, about their short period together and their "breakup". She even skimmed through their past history so her friend could have the whole background. Paris nodded through the story but never interrupted her.

"I would have given it a try, with him, you know? The whole family thing. There was something about him… I don't know. It sent my motherly instinct into overdrive."

"He fucked you senseless, you mean."

Rory sighed. "Yeah, that too."

"You know, I always thought you two would end up together somewhere along the road."

"How so?"

"I don't know, he was special. For you. He was an ass, mind you, but he stirred the pot big time. It's funny how he can still do that."

"I'm not really laughing at his capacity to shake me up at the moment."

"Sure, who wants their shit shaken? Still, you two are behaving like frigging cowards."

"How so? I mean, look at my love life's records. I really did try to do things properly this time. I love him, I want him to be happy. It was too much to ask from him."

"You're so thick, Gilmore, that I don't know how you managed to graduate from Yale."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Get your head outta your ass for once, OK? Look at the big picture: Jess, who never had a father figure or a family to support him, and who's clearly always been in love with you…"

"We don't know that. We don't know if he still is."

"…yeah, whatever. So, you cross his path once more, in seemingly the worst moment possible, and he's willing to try things out, but you never tell him how you really feel about him and suddenly he sees you, with Logan, in the prick's best performance ever."

"Hey! That's the father of my baby you're talking about there."

"Right, so, media mogul makes the moral comeback of the century, Jess watches it, and having had no long-lasting relationship in his life (that you know of), which means probably no other big love, sees you there having a meaningful, deep conversation with someone you have great history with, who's none other than the person you chose instead of Jess back in the day (we're really not accounting for the Philadelphia incident as much as we should), and, being deeply in love as he is, and having always cared for your welfare, thinks _who am I to break a family up, when I didn't have one? How could Rory choose differently, in the Jess-Logan war, having already made that decision in her life once, and especially now that there's a baby involved?_ And so he gives you the easy way out, and you take it. You swallow hook, line and sinker while thinking all the time that you're doing _him_ a favor. He's back at home crying that you didn't love him enough to stop him, and I'm positive about this."

"I'm pregnant with Logan's baby, Paris. How could he ever be OK with that? Even if he loved me… I think he must be relieved."

" _You_ think, _you_ thought. Who cares? You can be so self-centered, Gilmore. What does _he_ think? Has he told you?"

"No."

"Right, you didn't ask, you just jumped to the comfortable conclusion so you could be the savior and not the punisher for once. Hey, it's understandable – I can see that you're also trying to move on with a clean slate in your love life. You don't have the best track record, to be honest. But you'll need to get your hands dirty, woman, because this is some sort of karmic retribution. You want to do things right? Go join a NGO, save lives and cut this bullshit. You want to be happy? Toughen up and admit your feelings. Maybe he doesn't love you. Maybe he does, but doesn't want to be with the mother of Huntzberger dragons. But you know what? There's a chance. There's a chance you both fucked up and chose to do the right thing, when the right thing was wrong. He put himself out of the picture, he won't be coming back to beg, as much as he fucked up by doing so. Swallow your pride and give the first step. You need to do it."

Rory was really starting to believe that Paris had a point. She was afraid of being hopeful – she didn't think she could take anymore heartbreak – but she was. She probably was going mad – she was considering that Paris' advice was actually good.

"You have a point, Paris."

"God, I think this must be the first trumpet of Apocalypse. Are _you_ , Rory Gilmore, telling _me_ , Paris Geller, that you will consider my love advice?"

"I… yeah?"

"What's more, are you telling me that, if everything works out in the end, it might be all thanks to me? The biggest romantic fiasco in the city?"

"Mmm… yes?"

"OK, so the way I see it, this should warrant me a pretty special position in the baby's life… as a godmother, maybe…"

"Well…"

"I know, I know. Lane has probably taken up that spot. Damn diversity quotas… There's still another very special position to be taken that would just fit me right."

"I'm listening. With a certain degree of apprehension."

"I want to be the baby's fairy _wombmother_."

"That sounds dangerously like a doula."

"Don't even mention those shamans to me. I mean that I want to be in charge of monitoring your pregnancy and labor."

"Yeah, right. There's no way in hell you're going near my uterus."

"Why not? I mean, I'm really interested about it, I always imagined it would be as pink as Jessica's."

"Why were you thinking about my uterus? And who the hell is Jessica?"

"My biggest asset! My Texan champion, my surrogate princess. Oh, you could have been such a great surrogate. Consider it if things go wrong at Chilton."

"You're creeping me out."

"Alright, alright. I'll put the best doctor in my medical team in charge of your pregnancy, and I won't go near your uterus. But you have to do this for me."

"OK… You can be my fairy _wombmother_. I've been to three ob/gyns already and none has worked for me anyway."

Paris hugged her. "Thank you, thank you! You won't be disappointed, I swear. So, are you going to go to Jess now? You're in the area, after all."

Rory panicked. "Huh… no? But I will, soon. There's something I need to finish first."

Paris nodded. "Good woman. So, tell me: boy or girl?"


	35. Everything But The Girl

**Everything But The Girl**

California 2003 was a nightmare. Stars Hollow 2004 was an even bigger one. Philadelphia 2005 and 2006 were considerably better, until they got bad again. But New York 2017? That was the beginning of the year to end all disastrous beginnings. Jess was desolate. The years had trained him to be able to keep functioning in his social and professional life even when his private one was crumbling, but that January was really uphill. He considered ringing Rory a thousand times. He thought at first that he had made the right decision by giving her the easy way out, but he was not so sure anymore. Shouldn't he have at least told her that he loved her, that he didn't give a rat's ass about Logan being the father of the baby, that he had no intention of stealing that role from him, and that he would be civil towards the guy, no matter what? Had he chickened out, the pain of the Philadelphia incident still too present? His train of thought always started like that and ended in the same place: in his past experience, in his memories. He had told Rory that he loved her before, and still she had chosen Dean and Logan over him time and again. No, it didn't matter anymore. He had given her the easy way out, sure – but she had _taken_ it. She would probably be in Logan's mansion now. Castle. Fortress. Whatever. And so he would always end his musings the same way: repeating to himself that he needed to go through the motions, to avoid thinking about _her_ (he couldn't even say her name in his mind), to keep doing what he had always been happy doing, and that things would get better one day. He didn't feel it, but he knew things always brightened up eventually. It was just a matter of patience. No feeling lasted a thousand years.

Going through the motions meant also avoiding Luke for a while. He had called on New Year's Day to ask if he was alright. He hadn't pushed, hadn't enquired about what had happened, but Jess had been cold with him all the same. Talking to him was too risky at the moment, and so he told him, so Luke hang up promising that he wouldn't be initiating contact for a while, unless he wanted to do so.

He worked out a visit system with Liz so he could spend time with Doula without having to go to Stars Hollow. Every Saturday Liz would drop his sister a couple towns away from that damned place, where Jess picked her up to spend the day, and then dropped her back in the evening. His face must have been a pretty graphic disclaimer, because not even Liz had tried to pry about what had happened, and merely supported him silently and by agreeing to that weird visit schedule, which he deeply appreciated. Not even Doula tried. She was a real joy to be around, though, and Jess knew that, if he had always considered her an intellectual force to be reckoned with, it was in the emotional intelligence department that she outshone everyone. She avoided any topic that was remotely connected to love, and didn't even prattle about Kwan as she used to. They simply spent their days going to museums, or libraries, or walking around New York city, and she was only curious about anything that was not pink, or heart-shaped, or romantic in any way. Which meant that they visited every Natural History exhibiton in Connecticut.

One day, he bumped into Martina while he was on his way home. She was walking with a couple of friends and was very nice when greeting him, but he could tell she was still hurting about their breakup. He felt awful about it. He knew she had noticed that things were not right with him either, but didn't fish for unpleasant details. They parted with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and Jess wondered what life would have been like if he had taken a different decision about her. The thought of getting back together never crossed his mind.

February started a little merrier. Matt and Chris spent the first two weeks in the New York office helping him give a kickstart to things, and so his head was occupied most of the time. Since he could not stand thinking about _her_ , he focused all his energy on the company, and was probably a real pain in the ass for his partners those days, bossing them around. They probably knew something was amiss, but such was the power of the Great Jess Ice Wall – they never asked, never intruded, and he loved them for that. He would tell them, one day, as he had done in the past. Just not yet. Not yet.

The day of his partners' departure, a big envelope arrived for him. By the size of the thing it was a full manuscript. Chris and Matt got it and started trying to assess the number of pages without opening it.

"300, Matt, I'm telling you. It's the whole thing."

"There's no way in hell, Chris. 250, at most."

"We should really put these in the bin, you know? It says clearly on the webpage that we take no unsolicited manuscripts, and when we do, it's just sample chapters, not the whole fucking thing."

"Don't. I mean, one of the best first novels we ever published was unsolicited, right, Jess-the-author? Jess?" Jess had been distracted proofreading for the hundredth time a novel that was due for printing, and didn't hear Matt and Chris. "EARTH TO JESS."

"What?"

Matt threw the envelope at him. "How long, go on. The winner takes 20$."

Jess started weighing it, lifting it up and down, when he suddenly noticed the sender's name. The thing fell from his hands.

"Man, what is it? You look as if you suspected it's filled with anthrax."

"I think we should really work on our anthrax detection systems. I mean, this is a really risky profession, opening envelopes from unknown people all the time, what do you think? So, how long is it, Jess? Open it up, man, I want my 20$."

"Sorry, it's not unsolicited." Jess put it in his drawer.

"Look at mister editor, all secretive and mysterious. What is it you're hiding? Is it the next great American novel you have there?"

"It's personal. I'll tell you about it when I'm finished with it."

Matt and Chris exchanged stares and seemed to silently decide against nagging any further. "Alright. But if it's 250 pages long I'm getting those 20$."

The time for Jess' partners to leave couldn't come any quicker, and as soon as they did he grabbed the big brown envelope and headed home, stopping first to get cigarettes. He turned on the heater when he got home and opened his wardrobe. There, behind the fancy shirts he never wore, lay his writing robe, that had been hidden for the last month. He put it on and grabbed his ashtray, lighting a cigarette.

"It's not going to be a great night for you, dear lungs."

He took the envelope and sat on the couch. There it was: "Rory Gilmore, 37 Maple Street, Stars Hollow". The thing was probably 275 pages long. He had an average reading rate of 700 wpm, less if he was reading really closely, which he would do. At 250 pages, he could be looking into 70000 words, give or take. Two hours. He could be done with it in a couple hours. He took a deep breath and opened it. The manuscript was neatly bound. The title read "Gilmore Girls". He turned the envelope upside down and a simple paper note fell.

"Just read it, please."

As if anyone on Earth could stop him.


	36. The Lie and How We Told It

**The Lie and How We Told It**

 _ **REBEL REBEL**_ _\- Chapter 7_

 _Yeah, I know. What a cliché, the rebel boyfriend. Wait for what's to come, though – it gets worse. I think we have established by this point that this is a story about me and my mom (and the title says so), so you'll probably be wondering what the hell am I doing with all this boy talk. Who are you, really? I mean – say you had to define your dreams and wishes, and you had had the luck of enjoying a nurturing relationship with any of your parents. Would you say "the thing I want most in the world is to keep having a nurturing relationship with (insert type of parent here)"? Hell, no. You would say "I want to be the next great American athlete", "I just want to be happy", "I want to know true love" or something along those lines. You wouldn't wish for a thing that's a given to stay the way it already was – you would ask for something different, something fancier. Now that I think about it, perhaps the smartest course of action would have been to wish for the good things to stay as they were, but I was not as smart as I once thought. If I had been, perhaps I would have wished for me and my mom to stay as close as those first 16 years. But I didn't. And you know what I didn't do, either? I didn't wish for the love of my life. I only wanted to become the next Christiane Amanpour, and so it's quite funny that at that moment in space and time, the things I hadn't wished for came clashing against each other. Because it is right then and there that a downward trend started._

 _In the end, I really didn't want to be the next Christiane Amanpour, but that comes much later. And I didn't want the relationship with my mom to go sour, but it did, even if I tried to make it better by hiding that I didn't agree with her on the really important things. But this I also found later. And I didn't wish for true love, but boy, did I get it. Do you know how I can tell, after all those years, that it was for real? Because it turned things upside down, it kicked me in the ass and confronted me and shook me and it pains me to say that I didn't live up to the challenge. I didn't understand what it was, and so overlooked it, like everything else. No, it was not love's fault that, when I picked up the pieces, I put everything back together the wrong way. Sadly, I also found out about this much, much later._

Jess had enjoyed the first six chapters of what was Rory's autobiography more than anything he had read in his entire life, and he had read a lot. Granted, he had a huge bias, but he had decided to shut down his critical editor mind as soon as he started and chosen to go with the flow of the book. It was an emotional rollercoaster for him, even by Rory's age 6. There she was, the love of his life, in her full glory. She was funny, she was _really_ funny. She was in real life, also, but it brought something similar to pride to see that she was also on paper. There was a quirkiness to her prose that was captivating, and it all felt like writer's erotica to him – the way her voice was unveiling before his eyes, the way he could see her mind cogs turning, the way he would read about things she had told him herself that were transformed into narrative with a deft hand, and the way he was discovering things he had never known. She was witty but humble about it, and the amounts of cuteness, harshness and reality were balanced to an alchemic degree. She reminded him of a candid Caitlin Moran – without the overtly PR-staged agenda and themes. His critical editor mind was shut, but he couldn't turn off the Jess reader-writer, and so as he read on he filled the mauscript with his margin notes. The book could end really badly for him, in which case he would burn the thing off and none would be the wiser. But, in a way, even more than his own first novel, his notes were a work-in-progress love poem dedicated to Rory. Had a pony really died while she was riding it in her childhood? Man, that was sick. He really wished he had met Rory back then. He wished he could meet her all.

The whole thing was going to end dramatically, he could tell by chapter 5. Not because of the book, although... who knew? But for him. He had avoided thinking about her the last month as much as he could, and suddenly there he was, immersing himself in the single, most intimate experience he had ever had with her. His survival instinct told him to close the damn thing off and run for the hills at the first Dean mention, but he couldn't stop. He had to do it. And if it ended badly… well, it was bad already, how could it be worse? He needed to get to the end, even if it meant torture. That was Rory spilling her heart out. He was ready to take it.

Dean, Rory's first love as she herself put it, was a short chapter, shorter than the pony one. He knew what was coming. He lit a cigarette and dove in. The rebel boyfriend. The pain of going for the first time against Lorelai's opinion. Wait, was she hinting about true love? Fuck, she was, she really was. And also at the beginning of the end of the Rory who was sure about her place in the world. As he read on, he became painfully conscious of how he had messed Rory's life. Sure, he had been reckless and knew he had been, but, coming from a broken family, his fuck-ups had never affected everyone around him as did hers. He was mortified. But there was something else there, some conflict Rory was hinting at, about the way she handled things when he left, of how she inadvertently started building a façade, and eroded the connection with her mom by not telling her as she used to what she really felt, what she really wanted. He knew already what this had meant for the real Rory: she forsook the mirror that had been her mother, and by doing so, by avoiding being sincere in front of Lorelai, she had avoided confrontation not just with her mom, but with herself. Sure, it was minor details at first – their first kiss, her true feelings about him and Dean the summer she left for Washington, the real pain she went through when he left; and then married Dean, her relationship with Logan, stealing a yacht, dropping Yale, pretending to like her freelance journalist gigs for the sake of what her grandparents, Logan or even herself would think if she took another road, cheating on Paul. Not knowing herself. Lying to herself. Pretending. The story of Rory's life unfolded before his eyes, and it was raw. She was the bravest person he had ever known. She was also unbelievably flawed, but she was putting herself out there for everyone to see it and it was a gift of love for the world. And he loved her back for it. He loved her body and soul.

He had doubted at one stage about Rory's mistakes, afraid that they would be character traits. He didn't worry anymore – he realized, as she did, that they _were_ character traits, but so was her kind heart, her keen mind and her insight. Knowing her armed with those virtues, he wouldn't need to worry anymore. She held, as did everyone, darkness and light inside her, but had the strongest will he'd ever known to fight for her better side.

The last chapter arrived, and with it great sorrow for the book to end. And there was Rory, 15 years later, broken again by the same rebel boy. She ended the book on a positive note, confident that she would be vigilant, this time, to put back the pieces correctly, to stay true to herself, so she could be for her little boy what her mom had been to her. And right there, when he closed the book, he realized he had the biggest proof he would ever get. She had been through the most amazing self-discovery journey, and once she had worked through the lies, through the pain, there was only one person for her there. She loved him. She really loved him. Jess owned Chris 20$ – it had been 302 pages long. He lit a cigarette and put his clothes back on. It was still 9pm, he could make it to Stars Hollow before midnight. He hoped she would still be awake.

He stopped the car in the town square at 11:30, and walked as fast as he could to Maple Street. He slowed down right before her house. He approached it slowly. The lights were on just in Rory's room. He considered tapping it, but he wanted to make a gesture – not a grand one with dancers and rocket ships, but one that would tell her straight away that he admired how brave she was for showing him her best and worst even when he had messed up – again. In all fairness, only giving her an autobiography on Jess-the-fuck-up could equal what she had done, and he didn't have one of those, so he settled for the next most embarrassing thing he could think of, so she would know that he was coming to her stripped of pretenses, just as she had done herself.


	37. Stars Hollow Aligned

**Stars Hollow Aligned**

He had to have it. She had checked the tracking number on the carrier's webpage a million times and it always said the same – that it was delivered at 4:16pm. She had also rang the company just to make sure. Twice. He could be reading it at that exact moment. Or perhaps someone else in the office had got it and he wasn't reading it yet. Or worse, maybe he had thrown it away it as soon as he saw who was sending it. The wait was killing her. He was a fast reader, he should have finished it already. She was nervous and mortified. What was she doing, speaking about herself so openly? She was mad. She had to be. Still, Jess was going to be the harshest reader she would ever get, even more so than Logan. It made sense for him to be the first one. She hoped her mom didn't hate her for it. If it was bad she would dump the thing and stick to teaching.

Her phone lit up with a message. She couldn't see what it was in her blocked screen because there was an image attached, but the screen couldn't lie, the sender was Jess Mariano. Fuck. Fuck, she had never been so nervous in her entire life. She unblocked her phone but left it on the bed, taking a couple turns around the room as preparation before diving right in.

At first she couldn't understand what she was looking at. Her heart sank when she thought that perhaps he had sent her a meme that was meant for someone else. But then she recognized Doula in the picture and she understood. The guy that was hugging her was Jess, with a complete makeover: he had lacquered fuchsia nails, lipstick, blush and what looked like a Disney princess crown. He seemed embarrassed, but Doula was beaming. Rory let out a sob that was also part laughter. That had to be the most hilarious and endearing picture she had ever seen. She couldn't imagine any document in the world that could be more shameful to Jess. "But why did he send it?" she asked herself. And then it hit her.

Not caring about her attire she grabbed her coat, put on some sneakers, grabbed the car keys and darted out of the house. There, leaning on her car, 6 feet away from her, was Jess. He was smiling.

"Jess…"

He made a gesture to speak, and so did she, but both stopped. They looked at each other for an instant and both smiled shyly. And then, just at the exact moment that Rory forwent every intention of talking and closed the distance between them, giving up to the desire to hold him, Jess jumped at her, so both met half way in a heated kiss that promised to consume them. But it didn't matter, it didn't matter that they loved each other so much that their skin couldn't take it, because both knew that there was nothing to worry about anymore, and that their long separate journeys, the ones they had to take in order to find each other, had ended. Jess broke their kiss and caressed Rory's face, smiling.

"You cheated, you… temptress."

"Hey! What do you mean?"

"You know those duck pajamas drive me crazy."

Rory blushed and laughed. "I'm so ashamed. For everything. I think… I will not be able to talk to your face for a while."

Jess stroke her neck and kissed her cheek. "Then don't. Let's go to bed and never get out until you go on labor."

Rory repressed a sob. "Do you mean it? I mean… that we'll be together, by then?"

"Yeah. If you'll have me."

"And after?"

"Whatever works, Ror. I have never minded. I never cared about the baby being someone else's, and I don't want to take anyone's spot. I'm sorry I freaked out. But I'm here now, and ready for whatever's coming. We'll figure it out." Rory started crying. "Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing! I'm just so happy."

Jess beamed. "Me too, Ror. So don't cry."

"But the thing is that I'm going to get so huge! We won't be really able to go to bed together, we'll need to get a spare one so I can actually fit right beside you, otherwise you'll have no room."

"Is that what's worrying you right now? After I made an ass of myself again?"

"Yeah!"

Jess kissed Rory in a way that told her that there was nothing to worry about. "God, I love you and your hormones so much. I can't wait to spend all the periods and your menopause beside you."

Rory cried. "That is the sickest, most beautiful thing no one has ever told me."

"Get used to it. I'm a noob at serious relationships and couldn't draw a line between crude and romantic if my life depended on it. And I'm a complete idiot, too, although you know that already. But I promise you this, Rory Gilmore: I will never ever make a decision again without making sure that we both know for real what's on each other's minds. And I'll make sure that you don't either. And if you do, I'll kick your ass, not because I want you to be something that you are not, but because I want to make sure that you always stay true to who you are. And I hope that you'll do the same with me."

Rory hugged Jess with all her strength, nodding. "Yes, and a thousand yes. Let's help each other stay true to ourselves."

"That's a done deal. If we get that right, the rest is easy as pie."

Rory stepped out of the hug and gave Jess a sultry smile. "Shall we go to Luke's apartment?"

"Hell, yeah. I was freaking out a bit about doing it right below Lorelai and my uncle. Because we're doing it, Ror. I'm going to make love to you like there's no tomorrow."

Rory blushed furiously and lowered her head, bursting with joy. They held each other's hand and walked quietly through Stars Hollow, and the town didn't seem to Jess the ring of hell it once had. On the contrary, he was linked to that place forever, and was happy to be. As they crossed the town square, they passed near an absorbed Taylor. Jess felt so optimistic that he greeted him cheerfully.

"Good night, Taylor!"

At first Taylor didn't even see who was talking to him, but his jaw dropped when he noticed the happy couple holding hands and waving at him.

"You! You… hoodlum! And you! With him! Again! Oh, I would have never expected this from our dear Rory, you were supposed to have outgrown your rebel phase by now! And pregnant! Wait, is he the father? Because that, young miss, is scarier than _Rosemary's Baby_! The town will have a lot to say about this. I'm keeping an eye on you, rascal! I know that crime scene was your doing!"

Jess and Rory looked at each other and laughed, resuming their way to Luke's apartment. When they were at the door Jess got the key from Rory's hand and opened the diner, but she didn't go in.

"Jess?"

Jess turned, giving her his signature smirk. "Yeah?"

"I love you."

In that moment he made peace with all the times he had been in that town hoping that his and Rory's heart were in the same place. It didn't matter anymore – their starts had finally aligned. No, Stars Hollow was not bad at all, once one was sure of their true place in the world.

* * *

A/N: There will be a small epilogue to wrap things up. Thanks everyone for reading, and loads of love.


	38. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"Com'ere, sugar! Tell me, what exactly is this?"

"It's a sculpture."

"I could see that. But what does it represent?"

"Honestly, Babette? I haven't got the slightest idea."

"One would think that for running the place you'd have a clue about the artwork in your gallery."

Jess turned and pointed at a man who was sitting at the end of the room, in a corner, knitting a scarf. "That's the artist right there. If you manage to get something more elaborate than _everything is knots,_ please, come and tell me."

"I think I'll get a drink instead."

"You'd be better off."

"MOREY! Get me another one! And make sure it's a double!"

Most of the crowd gathered at the New York office of Truncheon books turned and forgot momentarily their conversations, deafened by Babette's command. Jess rubbed his face.

"Dear _son-phew-_ in-law, you seem to have reached your quota of human interactions today."

"Please, Lorelai: stop calling me that. We're not really in-laws, and it's not even that funny."

"Loinfruit's sweetheart?"

"Jeez."

"The ex-boyfriend who lived? Taylor's Bane? Putative daddy?"

"Hey, Luke? How do you deal with her when she's hyper?"

Luke grabbed Lorelai by the waist. His wife was beaming after having managed to make Jess uncomfortable – again. "I told you already: you need to stop caring. She feeds on your weaknesses."

"You know, Lorelai? I feel your real talents are wasting at that inn of yours. You'd make a great torturer."

Lorelai smiled and started singing: "Jess and Rory are lovers and cousins."

Jess searched for a distraction. "Look! Logan's coming, thank God."

Logan reached them while putting his coat on. "Congrats again for the event, man. I don't think there could have been a better book presentation – intellectuals, hipsters and Stars Hollow's crowd all gathered in one place. Look at Kirk trying to pitch his novel _Stars Hollow – The real truth, and not what Rory wrote_ to that reviewer."

"I was considering getting him away from her but then I thought that he's really doing the best promotion possible, and for free."

"Yeah, let him. Lorelai, I think your daughter's book will have the unintended side effect of making Stars Hollow a very trendy destination. Miss Patty has convinced half of the people to go check her show at the Summer Festival. Imagine all those visitors, and you with both inns now."

"That's what I told Taylor! But he insists that it is bad rep to have an _almost pornographic_ book set in the town. He tried to raise funds to sue Rory and have a fictional name used instead."

"Oh, that's fantastic, I'm going to tell that to the New York Times lady before leaving." Logan shook Luke's hand and gave Lorelai and Jess a quick hug. "We'll drop Oliver tomorrow before noon, Jess. I'd better go say goodbye to Rory, Odette freaks out a little bit when she takes care of the baby for long – she thinks she's going to give him a French accent, and that it will affect his college performance down the road."

Logan left to look for Rory. Jess gave Lorelai a pretend annoyed look. "I was wondering, Lorelai: why in hell you never bash Logan as you do me?" He then turned to his uncle. "She wasn't doing it while Rory and him were dating, was she, Luke?"

"Not that I noticed. It was all _banter-ish_ , at most."

"Then, for crying out loud, Lorelai: why me?"

Lorelai grabbed Jess' arm and smiled. "Because, _dear son-phew-_ in-law, my cruelest kips are only directed to my favorite people in the world."

Jess smiled at that. "Come on, let's free your daughter from James Carpenter. He's seen Logan leaving and will now try to sell her some custom made writing desk, and probably his book of poems, too."

But Rory had just been saved by her grandmother, so Jess and Lorelai stood close by and were joined by Liz while Emily said goodbye.

"I'm so happy, Rory, to have been able to be here today – even if I was mad when I first read the book. Your grandfather would have been so proud of you. A most talented Gilmore writer! His heart would burst with joy."

Rory let out a single tear remembering her grandad. "Thank you so much, grandma. You don't know what that means to me. I thought for so long, with the unplanned pregnancy, that he would have been mad."

Emily shook her head. "Nonsense. If I managed to come to grips with it, so would have he. You were the light of his world, after all, and you came unplanned as well. Oliver would have been his life, too. And I guess he would have even enjoyed Jess' company and talking to him about books. He's not so bad when he's not being hit by things."

Rory kissed her grandmother on the cheek. "And he loves me and Oliver, and makes us happy, remember that."

"Yes, well. I guess there must be something in the Danes blood for the Gilmore girls. Perhaps Luke has a relative he could introduce to me, then we would be all triply related." Rory laughed at that, although she was a bit weirded out by it. "Oh, I'm just joking, Rory. As if I could stand a man in a flannel shirt. I hope to see you all soon in Nantucket."

Emily kissed her granddaughter and waved goodbye to all while elegantly putting her coat on and heading for the door, that someone opened for her as if even Truncheon Books was her domain.

"My grandma said she wants to date your great-uncle, Luke."

"What? That nutcase that lives in a log cabin and refused to be taken to a hospital when he shot his own leg hunting?"

Rory laughed. "Nah, I'm just joking. It's just she's jealous of us with our Danes-Mariano men."

She put her arm around Jess while she said this, smiling. Lorelai, Liz and Luke started to discuss about the latest town meeting, where Taylor had tried to approve a motion to ban Rory's book from Andrew's bookstore and Stars Hollow library. Jess took advantage of the distraction and whispered to Rory's ear.

"Are you alright?"

"Of course! Everything went perfect."

"Don't lie to me, Ror. You know what I mean."

Rory stared at Jess, still amazed after over a year at his partner's insight. "I will be. At least he apologized about not being able to make it."

Jess frowned but then softened, caressing her arm lightly. "He'll get there someday, you'll see. It's not like you said anything bad about his parenting."

"No, it's actually the lack of presence in the book that bugs him, but it is what it is. Look at Logan – he's fighting for Oliver. And he even managed to get Odette on board. And look at you… You are the best father a boy could dream of. So I'm not sorry – we didn't have dads to count on while growing up, and our boy has two."

Jess pressed his forehead against Rory's and squeezed her waist. "And both dads would die for him, so you are right. We have each other to take care of ourselves. No need to mourn those who didn't want to be involved."

Jess gave Rory a quick kiss and another squeeze and tried to gather his senses back so he could overlook the party. One could never know when the Stars Hollow bunch and his world could come clashing. Lane and Zach approached them at that moment.

"Rory, look at Paris – I think she's flirting with that old guy over there."

Rory looked and saw Paris talking spiritedly to none other than Dr. Harold Ackerman. "God, I can't believe it – not again!"

"Jess!" Doula came running through the crowd. "Look what Chris gave me! He said it's the Harry Potter of the seventies. Is it good?"

Jess grabbed the book and nodded. "Ursula K. Le Guin is great, I think you'll love the _Earthsea_ trilogy: it's beautiful."

"Did you read them when you were my age?"

"I actually read them when I was already in my twenties, but I enjoyed them all the same."

"Oh…"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just worried I won't understand them."

Jess caressed his sister's head. "Don't worry, Doula. I think you're perfectly capable of getting them, but even if you don't, that's alright." Jess looked at Rory, smiling. "There are some books you will only be ready to fully enjoy at a particular moment in time, and it doesn't matter if it takes you a while to get there."

Doula pretended not to notice the intense look between his brother and Rory. "Oh, great, I was worrying. I really want to become a writer like the two of you."

Rory, who was still beaming at what Jess had said, turned to Doula. "I think that you have the potential to become a great writer, Doula, but especially an awesome person. Just remember to stay true to yourself."

* * *

"Do you hear that, Jess?"

"What?"

"Exactly that – nothing. Just you and me, and a bottle of champagne I have in the fridge, because Oliver is not here and the book presentation was great and I'm not breastfeeding anymore and you are the handsomest, smartest, most amazing editor-partner a woman could dream of."

Jess kissed her roughly and Rory moaned. "Fuck the champagne, Ror."

"No way! You'll have to wait, mister, and then you'll have to make love to drunk Rory, who's quite lazy in that state, I'm afraid."

Jess laughed and took the champagne bottle out of the fridge. "You know? I was going to get something fancy to celebrate with the champagne, like oysters…" Rory wrinkled her nose. "But look what I got your mom to bring instead."

He beckoned Rory to check the inside of the fridge. "It's Al's!"

"Yeah, I know you love this shit reheated."

"Yay! What is it? Oh, don't tell me, I'm so nervous."

"I think the stench will be a dead give away. Emphasis on _dead_."

"You got me Indian?"

"Yes."

"After you said, and I quote, that Al probably stews his stuff in water from the Ganges? And that he cannot tell a Madras curry from a paella?"

"Yes, and I hope this tells you very eloquently how much I love you."

"Right, because being my soul mate, the best pregnancy companion a girl could dream of, and the best half-daddy to Oliver could not do it, right?"

"Oh, that is easy, Ror. Look at this shit." He opened a container. "I'll give you 50$ on the spot if you can tell if it's animal, vegetable or mineral."

"Come here."

They kissed languidly for a long time, until Rory broke the kiss and opened the champagne bottle in a daze.

"So, I guess we have more stuff to celebrate tonight, right?"

Rory had an evil grin on, the one that she inherited from Lorelai. Jess knew she was onto something mischievous. "What are you up to?"

"No, Jess: what are _you_ up to?"

"Oh, no, you didn't."

"Yeah, I did!"

"Ror! You can't go through private stuff like that, thank god I'm not fifteen and it wasn't old porn stashed under the bed!"

"So, when were you planning to tell me?"

"I don't know, I was waiting for the right moment. After your presentation seemed like a good time. And I needed to re-read it like a million times before sharing it with you. It's taken me so long that some parts have lost their meaning somehow."

"Oh, I'm not talking about your novel, which I read a couple weeks ago, anyway, and who makes me really, _really_ jealous of your talent."

"Then what the hell are you talking about?" Rory beamed. "Oh, no, you didn't _that_ one. Man, it was really well hidden! How the fuck did you find it? Lorelai told you, didn't she?"

"Yes, but don't be angry! She only wanted to make sure that I liked it so in case I didn't she could tell you to exchange it for another one with a weird false pretense. I'm going to be wearing it forever, after all."

"You are?"

Rory nodded. "Imagine I hadn't seen it and then, when you gave it to me, I didn't like it. It would have been really awkward. You could have thought that I was saying no when I was just saying no to the poor ugly trinket."

"The worst thing is that your and your mom's crazy logic is making sense to me. Plus, you saved me a really uncomfortable proposal, so thanks."

"Wait, no proposal?"

"Nah, I think you can go get the ring now, you know where it is, and you said you would be wearing it already."

"Jess! That's not fair!"

"Hey! You saved yourself from an ugly ring and I saved myself from an uncomfortable moment, it's a win-win. Plus, if you think about how embarrassed I would have been, isn't it nice that you chose to do this for me? Because you love me?"

"But you had something planned, didn't you?"

"I was still weighing a couple options, but yeah."

"I'll tell you what: I'll do anything you want if you propose."

"Anything?"

"Wait, I get a veto."

"Just one?"

"Yeah, but don't play dirty and save what you really want me to do for when I've vetoed your first idea."

"I'll tell you what: if you get no vetoes, I'll propose in the two ways I had imagined."

"Really? You would do that for me?"

"Remember: you will be doing something for me, too."

Rory extended her hand and Jess shook it. "Deal! So, what do you want?"

"Oh, I need to think about it. I mean… _anything_. You are _so_ in trouble."

"Jess! It's not fair, it could take you ages to come up with what."

Jess pulled Rory to him by the waist and smirked. "Honestly, Rory: you know you're everything to me already, and we have created the most beautiful family a guy with my background could dream of. Who needs to put a ring on it?"

 **THE END**

* * *

 _A/N: here it is, at last! It makes me really happy to label this as complete, and to have mapped out what would have been the perfect revival ending for me. I hope you enjoyed it._

 _Again, thanks everyone for the lovely and detailed reviews – they've given me strength along the way to keep on with the story, so this is all for you. And if it's something you would be interested in, I could think of a couple lighter one-shots that could fit in between the end and the epilogue – there so many things that I would love to re-visit!_

 _May you encounter great loves in life and fiction,_

 _I._


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